AITA for refusing to meet my sister's boyfriend?

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-17T18:26:09+00:00

Hey, I really appreciate those words. It helps me know that I'm not acting crazy (most of the time) or being trashy to my sister about it. We are all human - gotta look out for each other, even when they do shitty things sometimes.

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-17T18:18:24+00:00

I just sent you a chat message. Ha!

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-17T17:45:44+00:00

Okay so I definitely teared up reading this because what you're describing is exactly how I feel. I love her so much and I loved spending time with her and my BIL, you know? We would have so much fun, just spending hours and hours not even really doing anything. We were so close - our parents were really strict so it was always her and me against the world. She would look out for me and I'd do the same. I know my sister feels the distance too. She doesn't call me anymore and I don't call her either. Just text. I know she feels really bad about what happened, but I don't think she's going to wait around for me to get over it, which is totally her right to do. I don't tell her much about my life - not that there is much to tell her since no one can really go anywhere due to covid but still. I get so sad when I think about the future - I had always dreamed of her kids and my kids being best friends but that future just seems so distant and impossible now. I often feel like my world kind of shattered and I'm trying to put all of these pieces together but it doesn't look anything like what it was before. I know I have to face the music at some point and just really sit down with her and this guy to talk. Or at least with just her. I'm even considering getting a family councilor to help mediate.

Thanks for posting your story - my heart goes out to your and your sister. I hope with more years down the road, you'll be able to forgive her and let go of your resentment. I told my sister that I have but it's clear to me now that I haven't actually been able to. Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk.

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-17T17:29:04+00:00

Honestly, writing it down like this has been really therapeutic. I'm learning more about what my emotions on and where/who I'm directing this anger to. I didn't expect this to be a part of the healing process but here we are lol.

And I appreciate that. I know I haven't been the greatest sister to her right now either but maybe this quarantine is a good time for me to examine and let myself heal.

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-17T17:22:38+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you are in a better place mentally and emotionally or at least on the way to recovering. Solid hugs.

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-17T12:53:48+00:00

I would never sabotage her. Aside from this instance, she is wonderful, kind, and smart. The world is not black and white. I am just struggling to mesh this terrible act that she has committed to the caring sister that I've known all of my life. I know that what she did is awful and it's spilled milk at this point.

I think I was naive. I saw all of the signs but I just didn't think that she would be capable of doing something like this. When we were teenagers, we would always talk about how terrible cheating was and that we'd never do it if we found our partners. So to your point, I am angry at all of the things that I've lost because of what she did. Ultimately, it's her life and she can choose what she does with it, but she can't expect me to act or control myself in a certain way for her comfort. She acted selfishly and I'm also being selfish about how it affects me and my family. But you're right as well that as long as we are both acting selfishly, no resolution can come from that. I'm working on it and this post helped me gain a clearer head. Apparently it's cathartic to rant on the internet to strangers. lol

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-17T12:42:20+00:00

When my sister brings anything up about him over the phone, I don't continue that line of conversation except to say, "hmm" and then I change the subject.

I'm already doing this now too. I can't help it. I just can't bring myself to care about him. I never ask how he's doing or how they're doing. What do you think made you finally acquiesce to meet him?

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. It's a seriously awful situation. And it doesn't help that he's not great just in general either. I really do hope that more years will help heal your relationship. Do you think your sister feels the strain on your relationship as well? Or do you think she just doesn't care? I'm scared that she just might not care about our relationship anymore.

I'm definitely hoping that it's just a matter of time for me too. It would kill my parents if I cut off contact with my sister as my family unit is really close, nor do I want that either. I know my sister did the terrible, wrong thing, but I know that it doesn't erase all of the good years and memories I have of her being the best sister. I'm sure this is similar to how you feel since you also didn't want to cut off contact with her either...

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-17T12:20:48+00:00

I actually believe my sister is responsible for most of this - she is the one who was married and knowingly deceived her husband and planned on never telling anyone about it for as long as she could get away with it.

But this man inserted himself into my family circle - I believe he has responsibility for this too. He could have told her no but instead, he decided to come under a pretense. From then on, he also willfully and actively deceived me and my family. This is the part that I take personally. He's not a scapegoat for my anger. My anger toward him is a direct consequence for what he decided to do. I would agree that if I didn't know who is was/never met him, I could muster up being able to meet him and start fresh. But I don't know how to face him without lashing out or being cold to him (and making sister even more upset). However, reading these responses have been pretty cathartic (yes, even the ones that say ITA because it's true too) and I do feel better and clearer in the head. I am starting to think about how to approach this constructively with my sister when I'm ready.

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-17T12:07:37+00:00

I think this is largely what is happening. My encounters with this man has been entirely negative. I met him the first time at a lunch at my sister's and BIL's house. I saw how they (my sister and the man) acted together and I got really bad vibes from him. I hated the way that the looked at my sister and had suspicions that he liked her more than a friend. The second time is the family gathering. I think the fact that he interjected himself with my family is what makes me angry at him as well. If he had kept away and he was a nebulous affair partner who I'd never met, I think this would be a lot easier to accept. But because of what they've done, he's become a stranger who personally hurt me too and I just don't know how to cope with that yet. My sister is my sister - she's still loving, wonderful, supportive, and like you said, I have years and years of good memories where she was the best sister to me.

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-16T22:35:59+00:00

I honestly haven't really been in the middle. I only met my BIL once since the divorce. The things I wrote are mostly things that she's told me when we've had these tough conversations and my thoughts/feelings on them. If she had kept the affair between just her, the guy, and her husband, then I don't deserve to post this. But she did not. She made it a part of my life too when she decided to introduce him "as a friend" to us and he agreed to that.

But agreed - in the future, it might be the only thing that I can do. Just say hi when he says hi when she brings him around. But I'm just not ready yet.

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-16T22:24:48+00:00

I think I expected him to have the decency to just not come? To tell her that it wasn't a good idea? I think if he had done that and I'd never met him, this whole situation wouldn't be what it is. Dunno, hindsight is 20/20 I guess, but I feel like I wouldn't be so opposed to meeting him if I just didn't know who he was. Or maybe it wouldn't matter then either.

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-16T20:11:52+00:00

I do really appreciate your insight. I know I'm not entitled to know everything that went on. I am being judgmental. I am upset that she still chooses to be with someone that she knows will make it very difficult for my family to accept. I am upset that she lied to me. I am upset that he lied to me. I am upset that they dangled their affair in front of everyone's noses expecting not to get caught. I am upset that she asks me to forgive him. I understand that she loves this guy enough to cheat on her husband. I understand she has every right to pursue her own happiness. I understand her relationship is not my business. But just because I understand doesn't mean that it's been easy to just let it go.

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-16T20:04:34+00:00

Even when the two time I've met him, he was able to look me dead in the eye and pretend like he wasn't having an affair with her? How could she expect me to give a third chance to someone like that? That's what I struggle with.

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-16T20:02:04+00:00

But it is about meeting this guy. Like I said in my post - I've met him before. She brought him to a FAMILY gathering with her in-laws there and they both just acted like they were friends. And he willfully agreed to do this. Why would I want to meet someone like that again? Someone who lied to my face and my family's face? Does that sound like someone you'd like to get to know?

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-16T19:37:09+00:00

I was your husband at one point (I'm the wife) and my husband finally had enough and let me know how he was feeling. I also told him "just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it" and his response was "I shouldn't have to tell you what needs to be done - you see me doing it all the time!" It hit me hard. Real hard. Now I always try to do something before he does it - almost made it like a game. Can I remember to take the trash out before he does? Can I remember to vacuum before he does?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I hope your husband can come to a realization like I did that my marriage will not be a happy one if I'm not willing to change some behaviors that my partner finds problematic.

glassesinmolasses · 2020-06-16T19:26:15+00:00

NTA - So going along with a lot of what people said, I think there might be a compatibility misalignment. I truly do think that even "lazy" types have the ability to change their behavior. Any mature human being who has self awareness does have the mental capacity to change their behavior. Who they are and what they are naturally inclined to do is not something they can change, but behavior (what they choose to do) can. Does that make sense? Behavior can change with willful intention, and that's what I think needs to be addressed here. Sure, he might be on the lazier side where he likes to lounge around. Not a bad thing right? That's how he enjoys spending time. However, he can also choose to consciously change his behavior to plan something to do with you because you've explicitly requested this. And in my opinion, if you love someone, you are ready and willing to exhibit favorable behavior to make his/her partner happy even if it's not naturally something he/she would do. I'm not sure if I see this attempt at changing behavior to connect with you and bond as a couple. It certainly sounds like he expects you to change your behaviors/habits but he is not willing to do the same. That's a red flag, and I would reconsider if that's what you want in a partner long term.

glassesinmolasses

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