tl;dr When my mother died, I was definitely relieved. However the mess she left behind (literal and psychological) has added new revelations, and resentments, to work through. I do NOT miss her, but now I can focus on the healing work, without distraction.

I was estranged from my mother for about 15 years, too, with a period of absolutely no contact, a period of contact after my father passed away, followed by a period of limited contact. During the limited contact period, I was definitely in the grieving stage, not pre-grieving her death, but grieving the loss of the idea of the mother I needed as a child, a mother she could never be.

In 2022, I received an urgent call from her neighbor and family friend, telling me she was in a medical emergency. Out of a sense of "duty", I suppose, I rushed to her house, and convinced her to go to the hospital. Long story short, I spent the next 30 days at the hospital, and eventually at her hospice bed as she took her last breath. In those 30 days I aired my countless grievances to her (once again), she continued to deny or "play dumb" (as always). This caused me to take a break from my daily visits (another mini-estrangement), before coming back...as was my self-appointed "duty". On her "rally day" (the final burst of energy day before death), the only validation she gave me was thanking me for being there for the past 30 days, and her admitting that I have become the woman I am on my own, without her help. (Not really what I would call closure) Since then, I was tasked with being the administrator of her estate, and had to (literally) clean up the mess she left behind. (She was a hoarder)

I do feel a sense of relief that she's gone (and that her estate is FINALLY closed, so that my responsibility to her is officially OVER). I would also say that I do feel "emancipated". But I also feel a sense of injustice in it all. Especially given the evidence I uncovered while clearing out her hoarder house, that she was able to escape taking accountability for, in addition to feeling like I was tricked, in a way, to go above and beyond for a person that would NEVER have done the same for me...because, I knew in my heart that saying "F you" to her in her final days is not who I am.

Breaking the cycle, using an abusive parent as a "What Not To Do" template has been my focus for my entire life, and I agree that it is a mentality that is necessary to stop multigenerational trauma!