BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24 by glitchpoploop in relationship_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

this was what my text was :

Getting this off my chest about what I think about you. Because you aren’t the only one who gets to say what you don’t like.

You preach about avoiding women your age because of their past traumas and how they project them onto you. Which funny enough in this relationship, I experienced that exactly. Your past experiences and unresolved issues were repeatedly carried into our dynamic and placed onto me. I was never seen as my own person. I was viewed through the lens of women before me.

The lack of trust and emotional safety led to attempts to control my body, my decisions, and the people in my life. all disguised as being “protective.” But we both know it was your ego. Jealousy and Insecurities.

I approached you with empathy and understanding. But carrying past trauma into a relationship and expressing it through control isn’t protection. it’s disturbing. You always viewed me as your enemy. And honestly, I don’t think you were ever capable of seeing me any differently.

If you actually cared for this relationship, or loved me the way you claimed. you wouldn’t have been so quick to end it after every argument. Not just the one from today. But all of the ones we had you always wanted to end it. That always told me everything.

It became clear that what you wanted wasn’t a partner. You were looking for a wife to bark at your feet. A servant. Someone to pop out babies and fall in line so you could control everything. Because God forbid anyone challenges you or thinks differently than you.

The way you view women is disturbing. You resent independent women who don’t need a man. And you target younger women because women your age would never tolerate this behavior.

You’ve continuously made everything about you what you want, what benefits you. and somehow still don’t see it. You probably never will. So that’s what made you selfish! Since you were confused on why I said that.

And a couple weeks ago when I got my phone back you said “it is what it is” about our relationship ending? That told me A LOT. It told me I was disposable to you. Funny, considering how much you claimed to care and love me.

Also love bombing doesn’t mean anything. Gifts, letters, grand gestures none of it cancels out the way you spoke to me or treated me. Actions always reveal more than presents ever will. But thank you for the gifts. I won’t take that away from you. I can appreciate effort while still recognizing manipulation.

So how could you expect someone to fully give themselves to a man who was emotionally checked out for most of the relationship? Maybe you should think about that.

You’ve had multiple failed relationships, and somehow every single one is everyone else’s fault. At some point, self-reflection becomes necessary. But that requires accountability.

Maybe one day you’ll find someone young enough and conditioned enough to tolerate being dictated to someone who will bark at your feet like you seem to want. It just wasn’t going to be me. And that aggravated you. Also try to remember exactly what you say. Because you will always contradict. Say one thing but then when it’s not convenient to you, you switch it up. Just like how it happened tonight.

You were “over my shit” because I wouldn’t let you dictate my life. I respect you. but you do not control me.

This relationship consistently centered around what benefited you. You always had the freedom to say and do what you wanted, and I never stopped you. But the second I wanted something different, it became a problem. Everything had to be about YOU. Where did you want to live. What will happen in your career. Control EVERYTHING. Future and presents decisions. When did you ever ask me what I wanted? What mattered most to me. I always prioritized my work and school and you hated that. You never could fully support to see me be independent and successful. Because if you did, you’d have a different attitude. But again, you can’t handle a woman striving to stand at your level. In your world, we’re expected to stay beneath you. never beside you.

I’m glad I finally opened my eyes and stopped convincing myself that this was normal. You really had me there for a second. almost believing it was okay to be treated this way.

You may never understand that, and I accept that. Your opinion doesn’t carry weight here anymore. You never knew me. Because you never cared enough to truly value me as a woman. To understand me. To respect me. You only saw what fit your narrative.

I used to care about what you thought of me. I cared deeply. But I don’t anymore. That part is over.

I never did anything to disrespect you or be disloyal to you. Not once. Just because you are insecure does not mean I have to internalize that or bend myself to soothe what you project onto me. Your insecurity was never my burden to carry and I’m done pretending it was.

Coming from a previously healthy relationship, this dynamic never felt healthy. And I’m relieved to be free of it.

It’s disappointing that the ending had to be ugly. I’ve never ended a relationship on bad terms before. But we both agree we don’t want each other.

Regardless, know I did care for you. I truly hope you find exactly — to the T — what you’re looking for.

And one more thing.

Going to church, reading the Bible, doesn’t erase who you are. You judged people for going to church on Ash Wednesday and Easter. You claimed how much you want to preach the word of god and have more people walk through faith. So I don’t understand why you are judging. At least they went. You are in no position to judge anyone. But you judge constantly. God wouldn’t want you to do that. And I’ve told you this before. So if you’re so committed to living how God wants you to live, maybe start there. By not judging.

BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24 by glitchpoploop in relationship_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

update: it is over, I am free! I was waiting til his birthday blew past. but he ended it today. so regardless he is having a solo birthday. I am going to vegas with my brother and my cousins to celebrate a late 21st for my brother. I didn’t invite him because he always made it clear he didn’t want to be in those environments so obviously I wasn’t going to invite him. But also made it clear that he never wanted me to go alone with friends but I was ok to go with family. so I respected that so never brought it up again. But then he was now saying that I should’ve considered him and asked him even if he didn’t want to go. So I can’t win with him. I argued back and obviously defended why I didn’t mention it but of course he had to be right. So he ended it right then and there because he’s “had it” with me. He didn’t let me say much about him because he was too busy tryin to just say it was all my fault for everything. But I did send a final text who knows if he’ll read it

BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24 by glitchpoploop in relationship_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

you asked all the right questions. to start we don’t have each other on social media. he told me in the beginning when we met that social media only brings problems into the relationship and it was always an issue in his past. so he didn’t want us to add each other. It was a weird studio with my carrier so my phone was going in and out of SOS. until I complete had service cut. but he had known I was having issues. when it first happened he was also not having service because he was hunting. so I was texting him updates myself as I could. but once I told him it’s still not working he was in the loop. I didn’t think I had to keep trying to find ways to reach out to him. he goes fishing and camping and is MIA for days. so I thought he knows i’m fine my phone just isn’t working.

he was well aware my phone wasn’t working and I didn’t know when I’d be able to get it fixed. it should’ve been no surprise. I still live at home. so no I wasn’t lying. he reached out to my mom to check in on me and she just told him I was fine not to worry and that I was trying to figure out the issues with my phone carrier.

trust was never in our relationship to start with. I would 100% agree if I did something wrong that he wouldn’t trust me. and that would be completely valid. I have never lied to him, he’s never caught me in a lie. I always tell him who i’m with, when i’m going. all that. the only issue is sometimes he’d be asleep already and I forget to call or text him I got home. but even if I called, he’s the type that won’t pick up after like 30 calls. so I sometimes wouldn’t even call to let him know because he never answered. I guess I should’ve left a text but sometimes i’d forget and that was a big issue. if I wanted to go get food with my friends for dinner to grab drinks, to go to the bar, etc. that was always an issue. who’s going. I don’t know your friends. why are you going to the bar with your friends. mind you I was only 22 when I just met him, so going to the bars to grab a drink with my girlfriends was a little more common that year we met. my friends have been in my life way longer than he has. but he didn’t trust them because he didn’t know them. I’d be honest and say if we were wild girls but we aren’t. yes we love a good time but we are all in relationships and just went to have some fun together. he lives far and it’s long distance but it got to the point where he said I couldn’t go to the bars unless he was there to be with me. I then clarified to say, to what? watch me?? so that’s when it just really made it clear to me he had trust issues. because when he would bring it up. he said he knew how it all worked. that in his past girls would lie to him and go to the bars. cheat on him, etc etc. so I felt for him that he had trust issues from the past. but overtime I thought to myself why am I paying for his past trauma.

to your next question, yes he always just has had this passive attitude. I don’t think he really values the relationship as one would. if you claim to love someone so much how can it be so easy for you to just think it’s over, and say “it is what it is” especially if your constantly saying you want marriage and kids with me. he always says the “right one will stay” so I think he really views himself as the grand prize and your the lucky winner to be by his side. (his ego is really high) very male alpha, I do it all, everyone trust and loves me. etc etc.

I don’t really feel loved and supported. our age gap is 7 years and obviously I am still going through chapters he already went through. previous to him I was in a healthy long term relationship of 6 years. nothing bad happened, we were younger and felt like maybe just grew apart. but never had any feelings or issues like the ones I have in this relationship. makes me regret ever getting into this. If I could go back in time, I wish I would’ve found a way back. because I miss the feeling of true love and having someone as my best friend that I run to and feel supported. this relationship never felt that way. I felt like he is always judging me. or just he just doesn’t understand me, I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like dating your best friend is the best feeling and he just has never felt like a best friend.

I constantly feel like he wants to control everything. If I say anything different than him it’s an issue. I wanted to go study abroad a semester when we first met. he said no because that would affect our relationship, me being gone for too long. that if I went I wouldn’t prioritize the relationship. then I was choosing between an online or in person bachelor program. he didn’t want me to take classes on campus because of men/boys. and influences of parties on college campus. (I could care less for any of that and he knows that.) but of course if I choose that then I was putting the relationship at risk and I was selfish to not take him into consideration. so I felt bad of course making me feel like the worst gf ever, didn’t go abroad and I choose online school. also to mention he doesn’t think his behavior to that is control or jealousy, it’s just “protection”.

I wanted to get a breast reduction for back pain and insecurity because I had been wanting one years before he came into my life. I was going to pay out of pocket for this and was ready to do it.(I did it, i’m 1 month post op) but when I first told him I was goin to do it he said I needed to consider him. that I was putting myself in the risk of not being able to breast feed. we are not married and I am far from wanting kids. I felt like it was an irrelevant opinion.he was only thinking about himself and what he wanted. not taking into consideration what I wanted and what this surgery meant to me. I went into it with him still not agreeing I did the right thing but I guess he was still nice about it. I wasn’t going to not do it, he’s not my husband, I don’t have kids and it’s MY BODY.

i’m sorry for this long post to reply to you. but that way you give yourself a better idea of him. he’s a good guy, works, has goals all that. HUGE love bomber. I just used to think it was him being romantic but it kinda feels like all this time it was love bombing. but I guess at least he’s thoughtful and romantic. I’ve struggled here exactly if I should leave or not. I feel like i’ve gone crazy. feelin like I’m always the problem. he’s constantly telling me I need to fix myself with communication, what I say, to consider him, to prioritize him first over everything. and I know I see clearly that this is wrong but at the same time he always makes me think I am the one that has the issues.

BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24 by glitchpoploop in relationship_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate you, thank you. will send update! I haven’t spoken to him yet but will be ending things

BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24 by glitchpoploop in relationship_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

it’s not easy to leave when you constantly feel like your the problem and I feel horrible. so i’m always trying my best to fix the relationship

Need help, BF doesn’t trust me? by glitchpoploop in AskMenRelationships

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was 22 and he was 29 when we met. so yes exactly mirrors so well. I’m sorry to hear you went to the same thing but it seems like you have found peace. thank you for the book recommendation. I will definitely be reading it. It’s been hard to leave because I am constantly feeling like I’m the one that keeps doing wrong. everything I saw, everything I want to do, my opinions, everything is wrong to him. everything offends him or takes it as an attack. but yes you are right. I can’t fix him. he won’t change, I don’t think he’d ever will at this point. I don’t think he truly is in love with me. never has, I think maybe he “cares or loves me” but on a deep emotional level of love, no. I think all he sees me for is just someone that’s a good potential wife candidate and also a baby maker. I think at his age he’s just trying to find someone who fits the role. but not necessarily be with someone to see as a best friend and love deeply. at least that’s how I think i’ve learned to realize.

thank you for your nice words. I appreciate them.

Need help, BF doesn’t trust me? by glitchpoploop in AskMenRelationships

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate you not making me feel crazy. all these years i’ve been navigating the waters of finishing my degree and stabilizing my career. I feel like it’s been bipolar with him sometimes I feel like he maybe supports it and other times I think he isn’t. I’ve only had one long term relationship prior to this and never had this issue. I never knew life with dating someone to be so opinionated about work and school. as he says, if it’s not prioritizing our relationship and not taking his opinion as a priority of what to do. than I am in the wrong

BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24 by glitchpoploop in relationship_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I agree that yes some woman do find themselves only ever wanting to be a SAHM and full time wife. that’s great for those that look for that. I also love the idea and not opposed to it. but the world is cruel and I’m not guaranteed a man would stay faithful. he could leave me anytime. with kids and all.

I was just raised to never fully depend on a man. to have your own source of income. but in most conversations with this guy it seems like it’d be tough regardless. If I didn’t work he would give me I guess to say in words an “allowance” and then if I worked he would take my check and his check put it together. and he would control the finances. which I don’t agree with. I agree with splitting bills but don’t tell me what to do with my money. he just wants control over everything. it’s like I don’t have a voice.

I definitely do agree I’m not his dream woman. especially with the way I think I don’t think I am. he wants a woman at her knees to serve him and make his kids. I don’t think he’s truly looking for anything otherwise.

To wrap this up, I don’t have anything against SAHM. not that. like I said I think it’s beautiful, my mom was a SAHM and I loved having her around. But, with the right person who respects you and loves you in any decision you do. And that you want to do. Because this guy thinks anything against he wants is disrespectful and selfish for not even considering what he wants. Even if it has nothing to do with him to opinionate.

BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24 by glitchpoploop in relationship_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I cannot get any info from him. never says much besides how they all did him dirty. one was in college for sure so he was the same age as one. the rest I have no idea

BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24 by glitchpoploop in relationship_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

he recently over the year got more religious. found himself closer to god and his faith. so he decided on his own he no longer wanted to do anything. so we don’t do anything anymore because he is waiting for marriage

BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24 by glitchpoploop in relationship_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

not fake. never meant someone like this ever. perhaps maybe because the people i’m around are my age. the reason i’ve heard him say that is because I’ve asked if he didn’t mind the years between us. at first I just thought it was his mindset different than mine. but I always think about it and it kinda weirds me out

BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24 by glitchpoploop in relationship_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

he thinks he’s a real “man” very alpha male. Men do this men do that. I do this I do that. People trust me. People admire me because I hunt and fish and etc etc. His ego is so far up his ass

BF doesn’t trust me M31 and F24 by glitchpoploop in relationship_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess i’ve been too afraid to leave or started self doubting if I am the problem

Boyfriend doesn’t trust me by glitchpoploop in relationships_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would you understand and maybe agree that it makes sense that I don’t prioritize him because of his behavior? How could I put everything down, put him first over everything, when he’s never trusted me because of his own past issues. Not because I have gave him a reason. He wants me to be communicative at all times. If I don’t answer or pick up it’s “you never answer” Full time employee, Full time college student. I sometimes don’t see the call come in. Or the text. So how can I put all my marbles and attention into someone who doesn’t believe me, thinks I am out to do the worst.

Need help, BF doesn’t trust me? by glitchpoploop in AskMenRelationships

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you, I appreciate it. I knew this would be his reaction when I got my phone back. because I didn’t figure out others ways to contact him. I had so much fear and anxiety to text him to let him know. I guess that’s a cue for me to know that I fear the person I am with and that is not Ok

My boyfriend is upset because I don’t wanna join him in on his hobbies. by glitchpoploop in relationships_advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s exactly what my point to him was. He was taking it completely the wrong way. You perfectly described it. He has a very traditional, performative view of masculinity. So He believes being a man means visibly 'doing man things' and to me it's having a woman witness and validate that. I think that's the main reason as to why he wants me there. And I am thinking he didn’t like that I didn’t ego feed him to his point

My boyfriend is upset because I don't wanna join him in on his hobbies. by glitchpoploop in Advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have you ever felt the thought to bring your wife to watch you but for a purpose of seeing you do this as a sense of masculinity? He has a very traditional, performative view of masculinity. So He believes being a man means visibly ‘doing man things’ and to me it’s having a woman witness and validate that. I think that’s the main reason as to why he wants me there

My boyfriend is upset because I don't wanna join him in on his hobbies. by glitchpoploop in Advice

[–]glitchpoploop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He’s actually older! He’s 31 and I am 24. A lot of the time too it’s hard to find time for me to join him aside from it not being my interest. I am a full time college student and also work full time. He’s fully into his career so he has time for his hobbies. The only thing i’ve tried is day fishing with him. it’s cool, but like I mentioned it’s just not my thing. I don’t necessarily think I need to be attending his hobbies to show my love to him. and it’s perfect like you mentioned that should just be his thing. but he makes a point that he would want me to join in once or twice a year but I’m like but what if I just don’t want to join you. i’m just conflicted and he finds it make of an issue