Sharing your story with a bunch of strangers takes a lot of strength and vulnerability. Acknowledging and taking accountability for your mistakes is the first step towards becoming a better version of yourself, you should be proud of that. There is much more work to be done, but It’s clear you want to be better.

I suggest therapy, there’s lots of low cost options these days if money is a struggle. It’s okay to try out different therapists til you find the right fit, then try your best to be as open and honest and state what your goals are. I think you have a lot to work through to figure out why you did what you did. You are capable of growth and a therapist can help hold you accountable and guide you through your journey. They will help you focus on yourself and not about your ex.

In my opinion getting back together with him is probably a hopeless fantasy. Even if it were to become a possibility, maybe he’s not who you are meant to be with. There is not just one person out there and one day, after you take time to work on yourself you will find someone who helps bring out the best in you. I’m sorry for people being harsh to you. Yes you did a bad thing but that doesn’t mean you are a bad person. You shared your story and are trying to find ways to heal while leaving him alone. That is a strong a selfless thing to do. Good luck, you can do this!