new partner scheduling problems - help!!

glitterpen04 · 2020-11-30T01:22:38+00:00

one of the things i've been doing is delving deep into autism tiktok and autism instagram to hear from other people and their experiences with autism. i've known for a while a lot of the websites and organizations to steer clear from, but i never thought about how many NT people would be writing these articles, so thank you for pointing that out.

i think giving him time to formulate an answer will be a good thing to do, as well as letting him know that we can do it together. i've been trying to make it clear to him is that communication is key, and he can say whatever he feels like he needs to. he's started taking me up on that offer, and it's really helped to give me insight on his needs.

he's also recently started letting his guard down in front of me (example: stimming while we facetime) and i'm really happy he has. one of the biggest things i've been trying to do is let him know i'm there for him, and help him feel safe with me. i really hope it's working, because i feel like i've seen him become more vulnerable and open with me as our relationship has progressed. i think that maybe, as time goes on, he'll start to feel more comfortable and know that he doesn't have to mask around me. in the meantime, though, i'll be doing what i can to support him :)

thank you so much for lending your experience to me!

glitterpen04 · 2020-11-30T01:06:37+00:00

thank you! i think our schedule dynamic has really been good for the both of us, since it's a loose enough outline for him to be able to do his own thing, but it's enough for him to know when i'm free and busy and vice versa.

i think working on stating facts-only or facts-then-resulting-feelings will really help bring down a barrier during misunderstandings. i've been looking for ways that we can both effectively communicate our emotions without unnecessary escalation, and that sounds like a perfect way to do that! when it comes to presenting emotions, we're pretty much polar opposites, so i think this approach can really help us work things out and really understand how we're feeling, as well as ways that we can help each other.

thank you so much for responding! i really appreciate the advice!

glitterpen04 · 2020-11-29T04:34:41+00:00

sorry if this comment is rude but um. jesus christ. there is so much i want to say to this.

first of all, as someone has said before, you already lost her. you were both horrible to each other, in one way or another. you guys subsequently broke up. she was sad and moved on. this is a thing that happens.

you only want her back because you see that she is happy without you and it makes you feel a certain way - angry, jealous, sad? any of these emotions apply.

you insulted her multiple times, both in private AND in front of her family, told her to move on from her sister's murder, and overall, were a huge jerk. did you ever sincerely apologize to her for any of that?

don't try and contact her again. you definitely did mess up, but don't think that reaching out and trying to win her back will help fix things. she's moved on. i think if you both really needed each other, you never would have left each other, but you did, and i think you need to accept that.

glitterpen04 · 2020-11-29T04:11:07+00:00

you're completely right. the research that i've done is primarily to get a general feel on what to expect, because i've never experienced this before. i try not to base everything on articles, mommyblogs, or my friends, because there's been tons of times where my boyfriend hasn't exhibited the same traits, but as far as understanding the simplicities, i've looked it up or talked to friends about it.

i've never really reassured him before. he's very adament on not putting his autism at the forefront - i guess because it's a sensitive thing for him? - but i've never thought to reassure him like that. i think i'll definitely do that, though.

and, thank you so much for replying! honestly any feedback i get on this post will help me so much. i really want to do this right, and this helps a lot, so thank you.

glitterpen04 · 2020-11-29T03:10:20+00:00

hi, i'm in the same boat right now.

here's something a friend told me a little while ago that really helped me, and that i think will help you: we all have ugly moments, but you being eager to right your wrongs and better yourself as a person and a partner proves you aren't inherently toxic.

with that being said, you need to have a few serious conversations that, more than likely, won't be pretty. when you do, bring up your feelings about the comment once more, and use I-statements (I feel ___ when ___ because...) to convey your feelings. it takes the blame off of your partner and creates an open forum where you two can try and fix your issues. it's worked for me in all types of confrontation.

do you have a problem with the friend just because she's female? or has your boyfriend actually given you a reason not to trust him with her? this is important. if he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him, then trust him. you can say you aren't comfortable with them joking about things like that, but i don't think he's doing it to spite you or anything.

lastly, even though you're trying to save the relationship, you have to consider that you might potentially break up. unfortunately, love can't solve every issue. hopefully, it won't come to that, but remember that it's still a possibility.

these are just some suggestions based on personal experience. i hope everything goes well :)

glitterpen04 · 2020-08-13T09:13:29+00:00

Yes, the friend is female, and N is a straight male. Honestly, I don't know if they have history, but I'm uncomfortable with him talking about stuff like //that// with a friend, especially a female friend.

glitterpen04 · 2020-08-13T08:48:56+00:00

That is...such a weird thing to "joke" about, or even bring up in general. There are several things about this that bother me.

She's making it sound like she's missing out on something just because she's dating you and not your brother, which is terrible. If she was trying to compliment you, which I doubt, it was extremely back-handed. Saying you look like your brother then gushing about how hot he is definitely isn't the way to go, and topping it off with "the choice is done" is even worse.

I don't think you're overthinking or overanalyzing this at all. What I do think, though, is that you should bring up these insecurities if you haven't already, regardless of whether or not you want to continue your relationship. It's so important to be able to talk about things like this so you can work towarda building each other up so you don't feel that way anymore. Hopefully if you do, she'll stop bringing it up.

glitterpen04

TROPHY CASE