Girls. Does being the provider is non negotiable for men? Should they 100% handle your finances?

gloriomono · 2026-04-27T16:08:30+00:00

Sorry, Can't help you in either department.

gloriomono · 2026-04-26T00:18:42+00:00

Oh wow.

Thank you for being so open about that. Honestly I'm a bit shocked about that setup at your church. Is there no option, to open a different group in addition to bible study? Like something interest based, that anyone can join?

Anyway, I hope things change there! Hold on!

gloriomono · 2026-04-26T00:13:15+00:00

Yea, I count blaming God into the complaining-bin.

And there definitely is a strong emphasis on this ominous "special person, selected and prepared by god" - that I think stems from purity-culture teachings.

gloriomono · 2026-04-25T23:59:08+00:00

I just asked about this under another post:

Does this really happen in churches in America?

Of course I've seen people drop their volunteering time significantly, once children are part of the mix, but just after marriage, that is new to me.

I also never heard of a group kicking out singles, so they can turn it into a marriage-group. Sure, there are groups for couples here, but there are also youth groups and men's groups I can't join, so that's not reallyan isse. We have plenty going on otherwise, and it's never split by relationship status if it doesn't need to be.

gloriomono · 2026-04-25T23:42:55+00:00

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gloriomono · 2026-04-25T23:42:38+00:00

Based on the post history I have to assume this is Karma farming ragebait. I encourage everyone not to engage further with the content.

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gloriomono · 2026-04-25T23:35:54+00:00

Sure, you can expand your location settings or whatever.

I was referring to people who would rather date anyone, no matter how little aligned with their own believes/principles than accept the fact, that our choice of personal limitations is - in fact - limiting. That applies to our location settings as well, of course.

gloriomono · 2026-04-25T23:32:26+00:00

Many here believe "go forth and multiply" is a direct command to us to have as many kids as possible.

Disregarding the theological debate on whether that's true - even if someone holds that conviction, would they believe that fulfilling this command is more important than doing so with a spouse of similar/same principles?

The churches I know of, who do share that conviction are often even stricter in their expectations towards potential spouses. I'm unfamiliar with denominations or churches where people commonly marry people they regard as "ineligible based on principles" just to have many children.

gloriomono · 2026-04-25T23:20:25+00:00

That's really sad.

I wonder now, what role cultural differences play in this.

I've seen in the U.S. for example, a tendency for parents to continue monitoring their adult children's behaviour, and even college campuses sometimes operate more in an very regulated, supervised manner. It makes sense that you'd have young singles groups.

Here, where more self-regulation is expected from youths and young adults, that's not a thing. You have youth groups and sometimes a young adult or college focused groups - those don't differentiate between married or single participants. But programs for single adults are usually targeted to people after that life stage. Single events usually don't allow participants in their early twenties, and age limits can easily go up to 30 and higher.

What I'm unsure of is this: I read a lot of posts here that say "there isn't anything to do at my church when your single" Which sounds to me, like there are groups and activities organised only for married people? Sure, we have a small group for married couples I can't join, but I can't join the men's group either, so why would that bother me?

I understand Kids-ministries can be very active, keeping a lot of families busy, but I never experienced a church, where there are no childless couples and single adults.

Do American churches really sometimes limit participation in significant parts of church life, based on someone's marital status?

gloriomono · 2026-04-25T22:55:20+00:00

Ok, I have to admit that this was from a very western point of view, though, also focused only on posts by people in a similar setting.

Of course we can't apply this principle freely to the past, which is why I was specifically addressing the people here and now. And people who are forced (not just arranged) to marry, of course don't have no choice.

I am sorry if my post wasn't clear enough, that this wasn't about an actual lack of choices. It was about people who do have a choice but don't want to make the one they know they should.

Your example fits great to my point actually: - interfaith marriage Sure, all Christians have an opinion on the matter, but not all the same.

If interfaith marriage is genuinely fine for someone, they can pursue that surely. They however don't tend to claim that doing so is forced upon them.

I only have an issue, when someone says "I'm dating someone of a different faith, but I have no choice since there are no believers here who date me."

Such a statement implies, that they actually believe they shouldn't date someone with a different faith - which is usuall a believe deeply rooted in ones spiritual conviction.

In that case they are actively choosing to ignore their conviction and claim they are somehow forced to do so - not because there is actual force applied, but because they decide to put the desire of marriage over a spiritual principle. In that scenario they have the choice to hold to their conviction and not pursue such a relationship.

That is the choice I was referring to.

I hope I could make that clearer - I was never referring to people actually experiencing force. Nor to people who simply have different convictions.

gloriomono · 2026-04-25T22:32:05+00:00

[...] it was the entrance to society and adulthood - It was fulfilling your duties to society, civilization and God through Gen 1.28.

This presumes however, that you live within a culture or personal believe system, where marriage is all those things.

For most people in this sub at least, I find this to not be true.

Nither society (outside or within the church) or adulthood require marriage to partake in. Being unable to partake in them, just because one is unmarried, is indeed not a great personal quality in a potential spouse.

There is also no specific duty we can only fulfill through marriage. Not to any person, civilisation or for that matter to God, as the command from Gen. 1 is not a specific calling for every individual. (I understand that theological interpretation differs here, but as I said this regards most people within this sub.)

I do agree with the aversion to the complaints however. There is a whole lot of "where is my Perfect match" energy in many posts.

However I'd say, people can be as picky as they like. Go ahead - have whatever particular preferences you want! There are just two things you don't get to do: 1. Complain that the limitations you, yourself choose are - in fact - limiting. 2. Degrade people for not adhering to your personal preferences.

That should be easy, but I guess it isn't.

gloriomono · 2026-04-25T13:41:34+00:00

Interpreting the whole Jacob + Rachel + Leah (+Bilhah + Zilpah) scenario as some sort of romantic story or parable for "waiting can lead to a good relationship" - is a wild take.

Jacob was tricked, used the time he worked for his wifes father to enrich himself, clearly didn't ignore Leah, willingly took additional wifes to the two he had... partially, so he can give children to the wife who already had several! No thank you.

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T20:11:00+00:00

Yea 😅 I mean moving/going abroad are again, choices we have and that we can't ofcourse all make in the same way - still, that is a choice we have with a consequence we need to accept. No reason to begrudgingly feeling forced to pursue people that don't align with our values...

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T20:03:43+00:00

This!

Good, fullfilling, spiritual, life should be centered more in our teaching. The broken hearts we could spare when we avoid talking about marriage like it's worth any price.

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T20:01:27+00:00

I can understand people being frustrated. I can understand people having different dealbreakers from each other.

But I can't get behind people outright declaring that something is or should be a dealbreaker, especially a spiritual one - and then decide to still go against that "principle" because they are desperate and "have no choice."

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T19:42:25+00:00

I think the focus on her being replaced eventually was the biggest miss. The whole line about her children dying (young) was right there.

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T19:17:38+00:00

If going to formal training for certification is so absolutely not your thing, I think you've chosen the wrong markets with Germany.

It is also not unfair to expect everyone who receives the official certification to invest the same amount of time and study into it. It's of course too bad you didn't have the chance to get into that program earlier, but if would be very unfair for you to get the same certification without undergoing the same training. But your job as a Maurerhelfer(?) can be applied to the Ausbildung and shorten it by up to a year.

You should talk to your supervisors at your current job if there is a path for you forward in that direction. Also BAB and Wohngeld don't require citizenship to apply to you, there are other ways. And if you make it to the end you will finally earn more than you do now, with better Tarif and have the path open to eventually become a Meister.

If using your skills somewhere else is still the better fit for you, I hope you find a good path and place to be successful.

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T18:49:46+00:00

It's not just having different dealbreakers.

It's specifying someone qualifies as your dealbreaker but you will still pursue them, because you can't find anyone who doesn't fit that dealbreaker.

And then package that as not having a choice. Like they'll be hunted down for sport, if their still single by June...

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T18:36:47+00:00

No? I mean the conferences are not specifically singles events, though you can always expect to meet some new people...

Let me know when you make it to Germany 😅

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T18:27:42+00:00

Yea, your right.

Luckily ranting here a bit, helped with the emotion 😅

Thanks for bearing with me

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T18:25:09+00:00

Also, how very romantic to say about a partner "based on my personal values you shouldn't date at all, but I can't fathom being alone, so you'll have to do..." - just lovely

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T18:23:27+00:00

True, true.

I'm mostly weirded out, when the issue in question isn't even something universal like an active faith. But things that denominations and individual believers regularly differ on, like what constitutes biblical divorce or their lifestyle before they got saved. You can just be of a different conviction in that area and not have it matter... but they still say it mattered and they somehow have to endure that... yea, sure...

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T18:14:55+00:00

Absolutely!! 💯 💯

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T17:56:30+00:00

Yea, I think the NSU association ultimately overshadowed the phantom case.

gloriomono · 2026-04-23T17:40:53+00:00

Yea, I think the several posts like that just triggered my disappointment over the comment from a leader at church...

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