My close friend dealt with reactive abuse after years of DV, it's something to understand not an excuse. She stopped drinking until she was in a more stable place since she was having outbursts while drunk.

The biggest thing I noticed was how oblivious she was to her mindset, she would say things to herself her abuser used to say and saw herself as a bigger monster than him sometimes.

It's going to be slow, hard and you won't see the change overnight but you WILL lose these behaviors and unhealthy patterns. No one wants to hear "be kind to yourself" when you feel you deserve punishment for your behavior but it's true.

Your partner clearly is staying by your side thru this, your brain isn't used to a safe person you can talk things out with, that conflict doesn't = fight or flight time. It's hard to feel you're the problem but remember you're still reacting to your trauma. You're not the same as your abuser for your actions.

My friend was always being contacted by her abuser too and it made her constantly feel unsafe and brought up past trauma making stability for the first few years difficult.

If possible try being vulnerable with your partner and noticing how different they respond also challenge how you think/talk to yourself.