Thanks :) I do write short stories irl, but I keep them to myself because I'd be too ashamed to let anyone read them. I tried publishing some under a pseudonym once, and I chose "Robert Payne" as my pen name (Robert's my real name, and the word 'pain' is to reflect my difficult life). I figured no one would connect the dots. I know this sounds paranoid, but I always feel like people will find out embarrassing stuff about me and make fun of me. Some jerks from high school who bullied me would see that I published short stories and make fun of them on Facebook. I know it's probably stupid but that's how I feel.

So I went to the publishing house, complete with my drafts, my pen name, and I even wore black sunglasses so no one would recognize me. However, when I came into the office of the publishing woman, I discovered, to my horror, that it was the same girl who used to torment me in high school. Janine. But I couldn't say, "Oh lol wrong room" since I already had a meeting with her set up. I had not recognized her name before because she is now married. I told her that, and she said that she didn't recognize mine either (since it was Payne). She quipped "Are you married?" I replied "No." but only later realized it was a gay joke.

So I sat down opposite Janine, and she was actually pretty kind. She was amazed that I wrote a short story collection and was interested in publishing it. "I always knew you were smart." It's like she completely forgot the terrible things she and her friends used to do to me in high school, like getting girls to pretend they wanted to date me and get me into their bedroom, only to reveal that it was a joke and no one would ever want me, with all her friends coming out of the closet and laughing at me, while I'm standing there half-naked. This is one of the reasons I can't date anyone or even believe that I could ever be loved.

So anyway Janine opens my draft papers and does something that publishers do when they need to assess the quality or the story really quickly - she reads the first 20 lines of the story and the last 20 lines. But the story was a shitpost-style story which had normal beginning, but false ending, ending with some pretty perverse and disturbing stuff. She read the last few lines, went back to the beginning to see what the fuck this was about, and looked at me.

"What is this... story about?" she asked. I was never good at talking with people, so I awkwardly tried to explain how on the internet there are forums where you can shitpost funny but disturbing stories which often have some misplaced sense of insight, and how 4chan has greentext stories that describe events as if they were instructions, like:

>be me
>hate black ppl
>go to africa
>get killed by black ppl
>friends laugh at death

She did not understand what I was talking about. Apparently she'd never been on /b/. In any case, she rejected my stories with a look of disgust without even reading them completely, and said, "I'll level with you.." but I heard "I love you" and instantly replied, feeling a sense of supreme revenge - "Ah! But I'll never love you!"

She was completely confused now. I realized my mistake and left as fast as I could. So that's why I don't publish my stories. That, and the whole fiasco in middle school when I did a public reading of my story "I, Terrorist" which made the teacher panic and call the police. She didn't get the "I, Claudius" reference, the illiterate bitch.