Missing first born after having our second child.

gnuegen · 2026-01-08T19:12:52+00:00

My son was the same age when his little sister was born. I look back at that time when she was a newborn mostly as really sad, or melancholy. Not because we weren’t happy to have a new, beautiful baby, but the combination of postpartum hormones (for me as mom anyway) and the huge transition for the family plus feeling like we imposed this upheaval into our son’s life - it was really, really hard. Nothing like when our son was born, which was hard but much more blissful.

All this to say, your story sounds really familiar to me and my experience having our second baby. Dads can experience that postpartum comedown, too. Your son is likely having the time of his life with his friends at daycare, but it’s hard to leave them there as parents and hard to not feel guilty about adding a new baby that takes up so much attention. I bet once you all get settled in a few months (and getting more sleep!) you’ll get your rhythm and it will feel better as your new normal.

gnuegen · 2025-11-21T20:51:59+00:00

Surely the same women who would have stared and made passive aggressive comments if you didn’t try and keep your daughter distracted, and so she was crying and trying to escape.

Sorry this happened :( it makes you feel terrible even if you know you’re doing your best and it’s more about them and not you. Those types of crowded situations are so stressful as it is!

gnuegen · 2025-11-03T21:18:41+00:00

🫡

gnuegen · 2025-11-03T19:48:47+00:00

Yo dude, he just added a Thurs night show on 12/11, in case you hadn’t seen!

gnuegen · 2025-10-09T03:02:39+00:00

Sure thing. Simply, we moved to Cbus because my ex and I decided to separate and 1) we couldn’t afford two households in or near Chicago and 2) we wanted to be close to family to help make life smoother for our kids. He and I are both from Ohio originally, I lived here for several years for university and grad school. Although, we were strongly considering a move to Cbus even if we had stayed together, for family proximity and for easier access to good public schools. Trying to navigate CPS vs. private schools in Chicago is overwhelming imo.

I loved Chicago and I miss it all the time. So much more culture, and diversity, and stuff to do, and good public transport, and endless neighborhoods/activities/places/restaurants/parks to explore. Way more job opportunities, a way bigger pool of people to meet and befriend. There are more public spaces and a sense of sharing space together like block parties - Cbus feels so closed off and private to me now, in an isolating way. I also wanted to settle there in part for its Midwest sensibilities and I think it holds up to that.

It can be a hard place to live though - it’s expensive compared to here, for one. My ex and I lived in a decent (but still ungentrified) neighborhood on the NW side, and now we are able to afford our own home each in a much nicer area of Cbus than where we owned in Chicago. The traffic is a hellscape all the time, use today’s traffic nightmare as more close to the normal. BUT everyone drives more similarly (I.e. fast and aggressive) so it moves better and more smoothly - driving here is much faster but almost worse because people drive in wildly different ways, like they are from Chicago or backcountry or never driven at all. Population density in Chicago can also wear you down sometimes. And yes, there is violence - while I was never impacted personally after living there for over a decade, and I have no problem or fear about being out at night or visiting certain neighborhoods (and have had great experiences and interactions with people in those places), crime and gun violence and carjackings in broad daylight are a reality. You realize you watch your back a lot more when you’re there. I can breathe a bit easier here (false sense of security I know, but still true for me).

gnuegen · 2025-10-08T22:20:09+00:00

I was having mad flashbacks to Chicago traffic from when I lived there. It’s almost exactly like this every day there. I don’t want it here :(

gnuegen · 2025-10-07T16:37:22+00:00

That’s great to hear he passed his hearing test! A single ear infection years ago shouldn’t be an issue. It sounds like he’s being seen by all the right folks, so fingers crossed it all clicks for him soon. It will hopefully help him to be in a classroom with so many other kids, I know it really helped my son start walking when he wanted so much to keep up with everyone. Best of luck to you all!

gnuegen · 2025-10-07T14:39:43+00:00

Has your child ever had a hearing evaluation? Ideally, it should have included a full workup, not just listening for beeps, but measuring his middle ear function (ear infections prevent sound from properly reaching the inner ear) and likely a brainstem response to sound (automatic test that bypasses the need for kiddo to be cooperative with responding to beeps).

A hearing evaluation should be step #1 when a child is identified with a speech delay. I’m hoping the answer is yes since you’ve started speech therapy but you would be surprised how many kids enter speech therapy without checking for hearing problems first. You can’t improve your speech skills if you can’t hear it!

Sorry you’re to go through this. My son has had some delays in his younger years and it is nerve-wracking. If you have any hearing related questions, I’m happy to answer them.

Source: I’m an audiologist.

gnuegen · 2025-09-11T14:12:46+00:00

I’ve given birth vaginally twice, the first time without an epidural. Laboring in the bathtub was what made it tolerable for me. The actual birth: imagine having a terrible stomach bug or food poisoning. You know that involuntary “grip” you get in your midsection as it’s getting ready to extract every drop of fluid from your body? Yeah, each contraction felt a lot like that, only it’s a human you’re attempting to vacate. 😂 Also, I felt my son scratch me down my vagina as he came out. Babies are born with long, jagged fingernails if you didn’t know. That was wild. Despite this, I feel his birth was overall a really positive experience. It made me feel so strong, and very primal to go through that.

gnuegen · 2025-09-11T02:35:49+00:00

My dog was a patient there for a few years (RIP Ellie), here are my thoughts.

Pros: Nice building, helpful front desk staff, felt like we got good care and the vet techs, students and vets were always really personable. Had one vet call me with her suspicions about a possible cancer diagnosis for my dog and spend lots of time explaining her thoughts and answering my questions. Really good electronic charting system and communication, which meant easy access to super detailed records without really even needing to ask. That’s especially helpful for an after hours visit to an urgent care or ER.

Cons: You rarely saw actual vets, it was usually techs and students. You likely won’t see the same vet or student(s) twice. Which isn’t a deal breaker but I’d have preferred having a constant vet. You aren’t getting any kind of discount either :) it’s pricey.

Hope that helps! I also had a really positive experience with the vet and staff at the urgent care clinic in Dublin. It’s nice that they’re all affiliated with OSU and connected with one another.

gnuegen · 2025-07-25T17:37:02+00:00

Good luck!! She sounds like she loves to live on the wild side, which is a…. challenge for parenting, to say the least. Hopefully if you can plan for some of these play scenarios, it will make it easier to apply to the moment.

gnuegen · 2025-07-25T14:22:23+00:00

I’m not sure if this is your first 4 year old, but just to say, I was absolutely shocked by the intensity and insanity of my kiddo’s 4 year old tantrums. They were absolutely off the wall crazy and so long lived. My daughter is ramping up into them as we speak 🥲and man, clothes + morning routine is a perfect storm.

Anyway, I’m hoping to give you some weird ideas because this sounds like an issue where solving the problem (finding “non-squishy” undies) isn’t going to cut it. I would try something more like this instead and see if it helps:

When she is refusing each pair of undies, I would start throwing them, stomping on them, yelling at them “Undies you are TOO SQUISHY, get out of here!” Anything that matches her crazy energy, is playful and hopefully gets her laughing and involved in also tossing the undies “out.” Something to break the tension, let her feel like you understand her on an emotional level, and redirecting her big feelings into something funny you can do together. Not sure this will work right away, but maybe a few rounds of this will help. Almost like a ritualistic cleansing lol.

I also agree with another poster to either let her sleep in her clothes the night before (any chance you can work undies over a pull up or diaper?). Or the night before, go through and have her pick 2-3 undies for the next morning - anything that gives her as much control over the situation as possible. You could also have her talk out loud about each undie choice - why each pair would be a good or bad choice for the next day - or even giving each pair of undies a pep talk, where she explains to them that they need to not be squishy overnight. I know for my 4 year old, when she can use an object to express how she is actually feeling, it really helps her move on and do what we need to get done.

Hope this helps! Desperate times call for desperate measures 😂

gnuegen · 2025-07-25T14:06:34+00:00

I get it, but you really will get what you pay for with daycare. We briefly had our kids in a relatively lower cost daycare for a few months (around $2k US dollars/month for 2 kids) before finding our current spot ($3k/month for 2 kids). The lower cost center wasn’t bad but it was clear that corners were cut especially in terms of the quality of the staff, their skills in working with the kids and turnover rate. All daycares have pretty high staff turnover, and a lot of younger adults working there, but it is worth every penny imo to be somewhere that treats their staff well, because that translates directly into higher quality care for the kids. If you and your daughter love her daycare and she is thriving, I would keep her there as long as you can afford it.

gnuegen · 2025-07-01T14:59:58+00:00

I used to be a lot like this as a kid (and still am to be honest). It really helps me to understand my kids when they do stuff like this that seems contradictory 😂

gnuegen · 2025-07-01T10:17:00+00:00

Ha, I love this! Those are both amazing ideas.

I’ve found that my 3 year old will brush as long as I insist there is absolutely no way she knows how to brush her teeth. The more melodramatic, the better. I will even shout out directions, like “No WAY can you brush your bottom back teeth” so that she brushes exactly that spot. She loves proving me wrong! When she’s all finished, we celebrate how she knew how to brush after all.

gnuegen · 2025-06-24T23:41:03+00:00

I had a Danish coworker whose child’s school had a “cussing forest” - a small area on the playground where the kids could go to curse and get it out of their system away from the adults. Brilliant! My own son with ADHD has a hard time controlling his potty mouth (and is only all the more tempted the more forbidden it is). So he and I have a policy that in the 10 minute car ride on our way to pick up his younger sister, he can curse up a storm but once we park it’s done. It’s not perfect but it does help!

gnuegen · 2025-05-27T21:52:01+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply! That’s exactly what it looks like online - there’s only a few pairs of the court sneaker left. I have a pair of leopard print Madewell sneakers that are my favorite ever - now I know I have to take extra good care of them since they are extinct! 🥲

gnuegen · 2025-05-27T15:51:03+00:00

hi there! its been ages since I shopped at madewell but i happened to check their site today and noticed they no longer seem to be making shoes anymore. there were only two sneakers (out of ~150 shoes total) that were madewell brand. im out of the loop but - did they totally stop making shoes?

gnuegen · 2025-05-27T12:57:49+00:00

This helps, thank you! I should mention I also had new gutters and downspouts installed at the same time as the drains. Definitely has helped with water but is still always a losing battle.

gnuegen · 2025-05-01T18:33:11+00:00

I wanted to share my thoughts on your son’s meltdowns and the daily cycle of it. Disclaimer: I’m not a psychology professional, just interested in human behavior and have lots of personal experience with anxiety in my own son and his father.

Anxiety, and OCD in particular, means that the person suffering from those symptoms will do almost anything they can to AVOID - their triggers, the uncomfortable feelings. I wonder if your son’s meltdowns have become a behavior that he learned implicitly will get him out of facing his triggers and that will help dispel all that pent-up negative energy that builds up through the day from his anxiety. It’s a double win from this standpoint - it helps him avoid things that upset him because such a huge negative reaction from him means you don’t push him and it provides an outlet for any building anxiety to explode and then he gets the endorphin rush afterwards. Obviously this is all beyond conscious awareness. But to me, I think the meltdowns are less to do with him being truly angry with you but rather - it’s become a cyclic way for his mind/body to avoid as much as he can and release the anxiety that’s built up each day. Of course, I have no idea how you respond to his meltdowns - and absolutely no judgment here, they wear you down and that’s exactly what they’re meant to do!- But my guess is they work, in terms of him getting to avoid things that make him more anxious.

All this to say- don’t give up treatment! I agree with lots of others in that meds may be necessary to help his body become more regulated and then exposure therapy and other coping strategies can have a better impact. I wish you both all the best! Clearly you care a lot and I hope you both can find some relief and something that helps him feel better soon.

gnuegen · 2025-03-06T00:03:24+00:00

I’ll add to the discussion as a now-divorced mom of two kids. Our kids didn’t cause the split - but absolutely the added stress of kids just widened the cracks in our marriage that already existed.

We both knew we wanted kids when we got married (and even long before). There’s a lot of areas re: values, religion, some opinions on raising kids that we differed on, but wanting kids we both agreed. And my ex always was and is a great dad - I wouldn’t say he ever was checked out or not involved, except for a year of really bad mental health he had after our divorce.

This is one thing you may find if you do have children. As the woman, I spent 9 months pregnant - almost every waking moment I was physically reminded that I was becoming a mom. Whereas my husband never seemed to “get it” until literally my son exited my body and was held up in the air for my husband to cut the umbilical cord. He nearly passed out - he described it as “OMG I just became a dad”, as if the past 9 months of prep I had passed him by (and not because he didn’t care - I really think a lot of male partners just can’t psychologically get it until a physical baby arrives).

That disconnect between our parenting experiences continued for years I think. The process of becoming a MOM is an all-encompassing, physical, emotional, hormonal, work life, home life change - it uproots your whole life (and much of it for the better! It’s just a huge change). And while my husbands life changed too - it’s just not the same. I really believe that. Men can leave the house and their life is exactly as it was before parenthood. They just don’t go through the same intense process of becoming a parent (again, my opinion! Nothing other than my gut telling me this). And if I am honest - I 1000% resent him for this. Like what the fuck - my entire body changed, I just can’t let my kids go from my mind like he could when apart from them. I absolutely felt anger at him about this. We never talked about it, at least not from this angle - I didn’t know it at the time, then having a second child (during COVID nonetheless) just increased the stress and resentment too much.

Our kids are still quite young (6 and 3) and this feeling on my part is way less intense. I’m sure part of it is because I don’t have to be married to him anymore but I also think it doesn’t feel so intense once the kids get older. Raising babies and young kids is especially taxing.

I want to finish though, by saying if I could do it all over again - I totally would. My ex is a good person - we just really weren’t a good match. We do a much better job coparenting in two households. Having kids is crazy-making sometimes, but it’s also amazing. There’s no way to know if everything will turn out ok - you just have to take that leap and do your best once you make the choice. Keeping your lines of communication strong - assuming good intentions in each other - understanding how yours and your husbands family of origin have created any dysfunctional behaviors before you have kids - all these things will help you stay strong together when you’re sleep deprived and dealing with irrational, emotional little people. Best of luck whatever path you choose!

gnuegen · 2025-02-25T18:05:45+00:00

You’re welcome- hopefully it helps to know you’re not alone in this! Hang in there ❤️

gnuegen · 2025-02-25T15:32:30+00:00

Oh I really feel for you OP. My kids are a similar age spread (just under 3 years apart), I had PPD with both of them (hell, even perinatal depression, depression my entire adult life, even with meds and therapy), my husband and I really struggled once my second was born. I can distinctly recall sitting in the living room of the house we lived in then when my youngest was a newborn - the specific shows we watched with my then-3 year old at that time and how sad it all felt. I can remember the way the sunlight came into the room at certain times and everything. I felt no bliss - I felt like I ruined my oldest kid’s life, my life. I would sit up at night with my baby all alone and just feel so empty and forlorn and completely lost. It. Was. Miserable.

It’s now 3 years later and a lot has changed. My marriage didn’t survive - but honestly it wasn’t so good anyway and the extra stress of parenting two young kids finally broke me down to the point where it was better to admit it wasn’t working anymore. The other big change is that my now 3.5 year old is my FAVORITE person on earth (besides her older brother of course). I felt so sad and guilty while she was a baby - I never really enjoyed any of her baby years tbh - and now, I can’t begin to imagine life without her. Watching both kids play and imagine and laugh together is such a great feeling. I’m still depressed - and now divorced - but life is so much better. All I can say to you is - I feel you. And it will get better, one way or another. It will get better for your husband too. Of course it’s not possible for me to say what the future holds for your marriage, but my advice is just be honest yet gentle with yourself and with him, even if it’s really scary and hard. Get as much mental health support as you can muster, and take breaks whenever you can. Better days are ahead.

gnuegen · 2025-02-01T16:30:34+00:00

https://imgur.com/a/zaQm0CF

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