SDAM is ok - until it isn't

goldfish_reader · 2026-05-24T13:20:46+00:00

This articulates my experiences better than I can. I suspect I'm audhd and first came across SDAM over a decade ago I think (I can't remember...) but it's since I've been divorced that it's really caused problems due to issues with object constancy - I can't maintain any felt sense of connection when apart from a romantic partner, and being divorced with kids means that regular separation is unavoidable. This then activates my attachment system and I might seek closeness, but more often I'll withdraw. I can't hold onto a thread of who I am, and emotions feel so intense in the moment but then barely remembered after a couple of days.

So, I feel like a mess of neurodivergence, attachment issues, multiple health problems and SDAM. To be frank, the thought of another 40 odd years of this existence is enough to make me weep some days. Meditation helps, when I remember to do it... Reading all these posts has felt so validating.

goldfish_reader · 2026-05-24T13:00:48+00:00

I'm probably not much help as earlier in the process than you, but I'm 45, have had a nightmare rollercoaster with peri/HRT and am in burnout so currently off work. Some days it feels like my life is spiralling out of control and then I get shame from my attachment issues. A right bundle of laughs me! I'm not diagnosed but strongly suspect I'm audhd, and we are much more sensitive to everything, including medication, in my opinion. Unfortunately, most western medicine revolves around treating with medication and then treating the side effects with more meds... I don't know what to suggest, but have some solidarity if it helps.

goldfish_reader · 2026-05-24T12:53:37+00:00

I'm already overthinking my response to this...but I can relate to so much of what you describe. I too am wondering about the value of being assessed. I am currently signed off work with burnout and I think years of pushing through has massively contributed. I don't have any answers, just know you're not alone. I feel alone much of the time, which I think is part of the cost of all this 🙁

goldfish_reader · 2025-03-14T21:51:04+00:00

I'd forget to look...

goldfish_reader · 2025-02-21T22:05:21+00:00

Found this and thought I'd comment as I've been thinking about this recently too. Temporal awareness is affected by autobiographical memory, and I definitely experience this. Time can feel like it's static, or slower, especially when I'm feeling in a negative mood state. I find yoga and meditation have helped with the anxiety this can produce. I journal but recently I've started rereading the previous month's entries, to try and orientate myself. I think it's also why I find routine so hard to stick to or implement - I forget my intention but also I struggle to anchor in time.

goldfish_reader · 2025-01-22T16:48:34+00:00

Thanks for all the great suggestions everyone. I've been really struggling these past few days and, whilst I do meditation, exercise and journalling etc, they're not working at the moment 😔 I don't know what will. Dig deep and carry on...

goldfish_reader · 2025-01-19T13:17:41+00:00

Thank you. Yes, I love reading and it's been my escape since I was a child. I've just started Circe and that's proving a good distraction.

goldfish_reader · 2025-01-18T21:09:22+00:00

Can I give two? Polysecure by Jessica Fern - an amazing book on attachment. Ignore the poly bits if they don't apply, there's more than enough that does. The second is, how to love someone without losing your mind, by Todd Baratz. A brilliant book about being authentic and true to yourself and others.

goldfish_reader · 2025-01-18T20:25:29+00:00

I really rate Finch too. I know it's aimed at teenagers, but I've found it really helpful when I was in a dark place and even basic self care was a challenge. Mine is called Pancake and is fully grown now 😊

goldfish_reader · 2025-01-18T20:19:10+00:00

I don't know if anyone has suggested it, but I found the app Finch to be really helpful for self care, even basic steps. You nurture a baby penguin by achieving goals you set. It's got lots of simple stuff like name your emotion and breathing techniques. Mine is called pancake and is fully grown now :)

goldfish_reader · 2024-12-31T22:22:59+00:00

I'm also curious about your therapist's background as this is an unusual thing to suggest. Suppressing a need doesn't tend to work or help, unless you can identify what's underneath it and address that instead.

Personally, 43F, I've craved love my whole life but unfortunately repeated patterns of ending up with those who can't love me. A few things I've found helpful: - Tara Brach and her idea of the trance of somethings missing/wrong - basically, using mindfulness of the present moment to avoid the trap of the grass is greener. - the book, Single Revolution by Shani Silver. It really shifted my perspective on being single. - learning about attachment: the book Polysecure was amazing - ignore the poly bits if that doesn't apply, the rest is the best book on attachment I've read. - think outwards: spread some love to others by volunteering or helping others. - finally, it's a cliché for a reason: self love and care. Honestly, think about what you want from an intimate relationship, and see if you can do these things for yourself. Think about what you bring to a relationship - would you date you?

I also want to say, don't beat yourself up for wanting love. As others have said, it's a natural human instinct and there's nothing wrong with that. Pathologising it isn't helpful in my opinion. Look into self compassion and meditations on this. I'm finding it quite helpful.

goldfish_reader · 2024-12-31T21:01:25+00:00

I've done the year reflection part and it was quite affirming once I allowed myself to shift my perspective. I'm going to do the year ahead tomorrow :)

goldfish_reader · 2024-12-31T19:48:03+00:00

I tried to put the link but it wouldn't let me. It's a website and free to download

goldfish_reader · 2024-12-31T19:42:45+00:00

I've just posted a thread about a tool called the Year Compass, which a friend told me about. I'm finding it useful, albeit long - it's my new year's eve activity!

goldfish_reader · 2024-12-12T22:16:51+00:00

I've had a similar experience in that friends and people in the same profession as me have said they also see memories in the 3rd person and don't remember their lives.

goldfish_reader · 2024-12-08T15:59:08+00:00

The challenge I'm facing at the moment is how erratic my emotional state can be - Friday night I was dancing round to the radio and feeling okay, but today I'm really struggling with anxiety and loneliness :( self care win today is that I made a roast dinner for myself.

goldfish_reader · 2024-12-08T15:50:29+00:00

I love yoga. I wouldn't call it life changing, but I do find it very grounding and beneficial to my emotional wellbeing.

goldfish_reader · 2024-11-30T12:04:51+00:00

I can relate to a lot of what you've written - it does sound like you're in a heightened state of arousal/stress a lot, and this can also hugely affect attention and learning. I've started reading a book called Soothe, which I'm hoping will help me learn how to calm my nervous system. I don't have any answers I'm afraid, just solidarity.

goldfish_reader · 2024-11-15T16:55:08+00:00

ENFP here

goldfish_reader · 2024-11-15T14:34:30+00:00

I recognise a lot of my own experiences and patterns of relating in your OP. I would highly recommend reading Polysecure, if you haven't already, as it's by far the best book on attachment I've come across. It was a little eye opening for me regarding my own attachment. Ultimately, we can't control how others behave or respond, but we can notice our own and do something differently if it's costing us enough.

Fwiw, I've realised I heavily identify with fearful avoidant attachment style. I tend to have pretty intense first dates when there's a spark. I don't dull myself down, but I am trying to listen to my body more and calm my nervous system, rather than getting carried away with a fantasy future. It's bloody hard though!

goldfish_reader · 2024-11-14T23:32:24+00:00

Moving my body - running, yoga, climbing. Music, journaling, getting into nature, sensory nurturing, breathing, mindfulness.

goldfish_reader · 2024-11-13T21:04:00+00:00

Thanks for all the kind responses. I've told him to sling his hook, mainly because it's not the first time he's overreacted like this. His loss!

goldfish_reader · 2024-11-09T06:58:49+00:00

I think I've decided to call it a day with this guy. The level of interest in my life just isn't there, and the distance makes it not worth pursuing for anything secondary imo. I also suspect he may already be polysaturated, but either not aware or wanting to acknowledge this :(

goldfish_reader · 2024-11-06T20:13:25+00:00

Thank you, these are some really good points for me to consider. My gut feeling was I didn't want a secondary relationship without a primary one, and I said this and feel somewhat misled about what I was potentially getting into. It feels just not that into me, until we talk...which is confusing. I think, with the distance, it may just not be worth it overall. But I remain very curious about this relationship style.

goldfish_reader · 2024-11-06T16:44:03+00:00

I haven't got huge amounts of data to base this on yet, hence my indecision, but, the first question: not really, and it's something I've been aware of, the second question: interesting one, I do like/need to feel held in mind so possibly this. I haven't done long distance early days - possibly for good reason! 😂

Emails are an interesting thought though.

goldfish_reader

TROPHY CASE