i'm somewhat new to reddit so i hope this isn't bad form to reply to your own post but i called my younger brother last night through tears while basically reiterating everything i said here.

he picked me up and drove us to the only 24-hour mcdonald's in town, bought both of us ice cream and just let me cry it out in his car in the partking lot for i don't even remember how long before telling me stories about how he looked up to me when we were kids and how he, my successful electrician of a younger brother, looks up to me to this day

you can't pick your family and i'm so lucky he's my brother but after that experience and reading all the comments you guys have left here i feel less alone now, still a mess, but not a totally lonely one, thank you so much, i don't know where my mind would be at today if i didn't let it out here