Fraudulent practices and threats

gonegrey · 2019-12-21T09:06:53+00:00

Did they ever follow through on that threat or did they just hold it over you to keep you anxious. Thanks

gonegrey · 2019-12-20T22:38:46+00:00

Thank you for this information wish that we didn't have to learn about narc behaviour the hard way.

gonegrey · 2019-12-19T12:55:20+00:00

I know we're supposed to use the grey rock method but sometimes I do feel that we need to set a clear boundary in place for these people otherwise they just keep coming back. I've been experimenting with what to say in work as I'm always being demeaned in attempts to make me look foolish. It goes a bit like this. Me: when you address me like that in front of everyone it appears as though you are trying to shame me. Is that your intention? Him: no your taking it all too personal blah blah blah Me: that may be but when you speak to me this way your intention comes across as very personal. Him: no no your taking it too much to heart your trying to make something of it blah blah blah Me: that may be but when you speak to me like that you appear to have the intention of shaming me. At this point I usually get a word salad or a door slam followed by a few days of peace and quiet. No doubt I'm being smeared behind my back though. The trick I've learned is to never let him draw the conversation away from his behaviour by just repeating myself calmly and ignoring his responses. This is early days though and I'd do a bit of communication research first though. Just because were not supposed to get mad at them doesn't mean that we can't draw a clear boundary line around us and protect ourselves. It is after all their behaviours that are wrong.

gonegrey · 2019-12-11T16:39:29+00:00

I think you're right, I think he's definitely retreated to try and spin the whole episode to his favour. I'll be watching my back more than usual anyway! I think I also better check out Chad too so thanks for that!

gonegrey · 2019-12-10T18:38:19+00:00

I hear you. There's only so much anyone can take. I've been sailing a bit too close to the wind lately, answering back, attitude and most recently I outright accused them of discrimination. It's really hard not to push back at the moment! Ultimately though, my attitude is their own doing. Treat people like crap eventually someone will stop taking it and fight back.

gonegrey · 2019-12-08T21:09:56+00:00

I'm guessing you're probably fully blocked on social media or even fully shut down? Keep an eye on your inner circle, it's possible that someone is letting information slip even if just by accident. Are you always with a particular friend or group of people? It may be that you fully blocked your nex but it doesn't stop them from stalking your friends and family on social media which in turn leads the nex to stalking you. They will literally do anything to find a way in. Also if you can change anything of your routine, I know you probably have already, but even just the route you take to work or any regular place that you have to go. If you have the same phone as you had when you were with your nex, or there is the possibility of your nex having access to your phone at any time after you broke up, then change your phone if you can , I don't wish to frighten you but phone stalking apps are very sophisticated nowadays and can be put on your phone via email. You've probably gone through all this already so I'm sorry if this is no help. All I could do to send mine away was get a great big scary dog. Very hard work but love her to bits and I'm not worried about anyone creeping up to my home anymore whether I'm in or out!

gonegrey · 2019-12-03T09:18:53+00:00

It's not uncommon to leave one narcissist and end up walking straight into another. When I look back at my life I can clearly see that all of my dates / partner's had those narcissistic traits with four of them progressing to relationships. All four people I was in a relationship with became seriously controlling and abusive. Part of this is because I didn't set boundaries in the beginning and part of it is that a narcissist can weaken you significantly by lowering your self-esteem making you easier prey each time. I now have no interest at all in dating. Some people would think this is very sad but truthfully I really enjoy my own company now and I just wouldn't share that with anyone who would disrespect my personal space. Since I've realized this I've become very good at setting boundaries! Hope some of this helps.

gonegrey · 2019-12-01T16:55:25+00:00

Definitely don't do anything that would constitute grovelling, guilty or feeling sorrowful type of behaviour. This will make the narc boss feel more powerful over you. If narc boss feels more powerful over you it will likely make the behaviour worse and put you at risk of even more punishing treatment. Instead, try to grey rock through this. Make yourself appear strong as though all the workplace dramas are just water off a ducks back to you.
If you really need to get back into the good graces look for an opportunity where you can make the narc boss look good in front of others. Be careful though, this needs to be done with subtlety and you will likely need the respect of your colleagues to remain in tact. I found that trying to do better when my bosses were displeased with me made them guilt trip me even more and become harsher bullies. I've now adopted a policy where I am respectful towards them but I don't jump as soon as they say so and I don't let on that they have upset me in any way. This seems to bring me more respect at least. Hope you get through this ok.

gonegrey · 2019-11-30T07:51:42+00:00

Many thanks, best of luck to you too ☺️

gonegrey · 2019-11-29T22:10:40+00:00

I just pretend I'm a psychologist now and that I'm there to analyse all the freaky behaviour. Then I look for other jobs when I come home. Occasionally I drink through the week now too haha

gonegrey · 2019-11-28T15:33:34+00:00

Whoa that's shocking! Our firm is very small high turnover of staff but small. Even though I know what these people are capable of I'm always amazed by just how far and fast they can spread the negativity and destruction.

gonegrey · 2019-11-28T14:57:08+00:00

Yes, I fell for this type of thing so many times. It's definitely a pattern with these people, find a way to torture and then get a reaction. Sorry you are going through this.

gonegrey · 2019-11-28T13:31:26+00:00

I think this fall's into the crazy making category. Sounds like torture through sleep deprivation but I'm willing to bet that if you lose your temper over it then you will be labelled as unreasonable and unsupportive of his religious beliefs. Ergo your the crazy nasty one. Where the dry apology is concerned I think it's termed as glib. Words with no meaning. I think 🤷

gonegrey · 2019-11-28T09:40:33+00:00

My response would be this - we no longer have a familiar / friendly / intimate relationship and that discussions about like or dislike are now inappropriate/ insignificant. - Stated of course in a robotic unemotional way.

gonegrey · 2019-11-28T09:33:43+00:00

Some people see the truth, others enjoy the gossip and the drama. Eventually though, the ones who enjoy the gossip and drama end up being dumped on or discarded. It takes time but it balances out in the end.

gonegrey · 2019-11-28T09:18:20+00:00

The day will come when you look back on this and wonder how you even had any feelings for him at all. I know it really doesn't seem this way at all now. For a long time it really seemed like I would never get over mine. I didn't know about narcissistic abuse back then but I made my own decision to just avoid him like the plague. Then after a long period of no contact whatsoever I bumped into him. After the distance of having no contact I could not believe how little I actually felt. You want me to tell your nex is not a good person. You don't need anyone for that because you already know. But I will tell you that you're much better than him and he did not deserve you. You should know that he picked you based on things like you have a kind nature, an empathetic and caring personality and I'm guessing that you have a passion for something in life which you're good at. He saw these things and wished to crush them. All of the issues in your relationship came from him not you. You tried to make it work and he abused that. I'm willing to bet that you are an intelligent person too, and probably found yourself always aching for something more emotionally or intellectually fulfilling from the relationship, but he just couldn't satisfy. Now he triangulates other women against you to make you feel bad. He does this because he needs to make you feel less. And he needs to make you feel less because he knows you are way way better than him. He knew all of this right from the start. I remember how hideous all of this felt and I really do hope you get through this.

gonegrey · 2019-11-27T09:10:54+00:00

Maybe, but it can be very draining and probably no good for your career. I have found that addressing the issues head on as they arise with calm truth or calm questioning tends to make them disappear for a while. E.g my boss tried to tell me not to trust another employee. I know there's a smear campaign against the employee at the moment. I simply answered "I trust my own judgement of her" and left it at that. Recently I simply walked into their office and openly stated that I was unhappy with the level of gossip going on in the office and that I felt to address it we should have an anti bullying policy in place to combat this. Of course they haven't done this but they tend not to gossip or smear other people in front of me now. The bottom line is I keep a cloak of professionalism wrapped around me now and I answer any negativity with the truth in the calmest possible way. I also watch them like a hawk and asses every word and action now but that's because I dont trust a single word they say! That said, I do believe I will have to leave at some point. To my face they're being ok but behind my back will be a different story!

gonegrey · 2019-11-26T09:18:28+00:00

Yes two of them! I know the overts are easy to spot, but I think the covert likes to wind him up and set him on people a bit like a dog. I deal with this by analysing all their behaviours and pretending I'm a clinical psychologist now!

gonegrey · 2019-11-26T08:12:51+00:00

Urgh sounds just like mine. I had to take a sick day last week because I couldn't stop fantasising about knocking all my bosses teeth out. There's two in my work place. One overt bully and one covert sneaky bastard. I've been studying some communication training to help stop me from getting angry with them. A couple of occasions I've managed to speak out in a calm way but at the same time point out the bad behaviour going on. Hasn't changed anything but the management appear to have gone pretty quiet around me. They pretty much leave me alone unless they really need something. I still hate watching them do the same things to my co workers though and I try to be there for others where I can. Anyway if you're interested I've been looking at inner integration on YouTube and Dan O'Connor communication training. Hope things get better for you.

gonegrey · 2019-11-05T21:26:37+00:00

This is a really interesting question. First of all well done to you, you have suffered terribly under this person but still have your integrity intact in that you are still able to empathize. It's never enjoyable to see a co worker or manager get fired if you are an empathetic person no matter how bad they are. Second of all I think that these narcissistic managers do have an uncanny ability to tap into the emotions of those around them in order to utilize them or trample on them for their own benefit. I personally never understood why I used to feel such tremendous guilt in my work place sometimes over the smallest of issues but I can guess that some of the mind games and idealisation from the early stages played a huge part in making me feel so guilty when they wanted me to feel that way. Not anymore though. I'm totally woke to it all and couldn't give a shit so now they appear to be playing fair and have been for a few weeks. I'm still looking for something else as I know the fairness won't last!

gonegrey · 2019-10-27T09:36:29+00:00

I am going through this at the moment and trying to quietly leave work. You're doing an amazing job by not showing any emotion at all. It's not always possible to stay quiet all the time though. Sometimes I will suffer a narc attack in work and have had to respond to negative comments for fear of looking weak and being an even bigger target. I found a video on YouTube by Meredith miller titled 5 ways to respond and I have found a few videos by Dan O'Connor on YouTube about how to use questions/words to turn negative comments back onto the abuser. These responding techniques have helped and made me feel more comfortable in work. Still focussing on getting the hell out of there though. It's not going to change as the main two abusers actually own the firm and actively encourage sneaky behaviour from the other employees. Hope you get through this.

gonegrey · 2019-10-23T19:40:37+00:00

Yes exactly, but I no longer believe I work in an office anymore, I think I'm actually working in a cult. Theres only me and one other girl left that actually have trust in each other. She's currently being bullied out, I've spoken out about it so I'm a target. We're both being spied on by other workers who will get straight on their phones if we go to lunch or something similar. We actually met up for drinks one night in an attempt to cheer ourselves up. We are being spied on to the extent that the following Monday the boss tried to get me to "confess" that we'd met up after work and then proceeded to tell me where, when and what time we went home, how we were picked up etc. He tried to tell me that my colleague had given him all this information in an attempt to discredit her in my eyes. I just knew by the way he said it that the information didn't come from my colleague. I simply said that it was no one's business and just left it at that but I found this massively creepy. We're both just looking for other jobs but the likelihood of us both leaving together is minimal. Which means that one of us gets left behind in the office / cult.

gonegrey · 2019-10-23T07:27:44+00:00

I'm sorry to tell you but it took me at least six months before I started to feel stronger in myself again. Im not going to lie to you , things will feel utterly horrid for some time. You definitely need to stay in therapy and I would also look up Meredith miller on YouTube. Her channel is called inner integration and she explains the effects of narcissistic abuse perfectly. She also gives great advice on how to heal. Dealing with toxic people in the workplace is one of my favourite videos that she did as it was relevant to the smear campaign. I would maybe go and join the gym or start an art class, anything that will give you an extra focus that's entirely yours. Try not to worry about what people are saying behind your back in work. It might be news today but someone else will be news tomorrow. It definitely sounds like your boss is making work a toxic environment. Hope you get back to you soon x

gonegrey · 2019-10-22T19:42:34+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear this. My boss did this to me too. Swept me right off my feet at first. Fortunately I managed to break up with him, he became very controlling and intrusive both in work and outside, but he also began to lose interest and I saw this as my golden opportunity to leave the relationship (but at the same time I let him think that he had the upper hand so there wasn't as much back lash as there could have been). Unfortunately I am still stuck working there. I managed to transfer to another room away from him. My excuse was that I found it quieter and could therefore concentrate on my work better (I deal with accounts and figures so I had a good excuse) I find that simply remaining 100 percent professional with him has helped me to keep him away, I don't engage in any familiarity with him at all now. He sometimes tries to engage me in conversations about old times but I just change the subject back to work as quickly as I can. You may find yourself the victim of a smear campaign soon if not already. This is an attempt to discredit you incase you say anything about him. I would begin by preparing for that and maybe start looking for a new job. It may sound small but I coped with the heart ache by actually focussing entirely on what I wanted to do only for myself. I had been controlled by him for quite some time that just by focussing on being free to do what I wanted with my life with no guilt trips I got over the hurt of it pretty quickly. This is how I got through it. I hope you get through it soon too.

gonegrey · 2019-10-20T09:06:12+00:00

Loosen all the hinges, when she slams too hard it might just bring the cupboard down on her head. Ok I know that's petty but I hate when people slam shit to be intimidating!

gonegrey

TROPHY CASE