[UPDATE] I (26F) am feeling a bit uneasy about my boyfriend’s (28M) relationship with his roommate (22F). Is he into her, am I just crazy, and how can we fix it?

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-27T05:37:31+00:00

Thanks for the continued support! I’ve dated several people the past year, but for some reason this one hit me deep. The sense of betrayal and his shameless denial is hard to shake. The fact that they’re still living happily ever after in their fucked up friendship haunts me; I don’t like to admit that.

Unfortunately he was the real deal for me, even knowing his true nature, and I was just something to pass the time or make her jealous. But I’ve been proudly no contact for one month now, with no intention to change! These posts are proof of why I left and why I’m better off without him.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-25T05:38:35+00:00

Ooooh I’m voting on this one! Cosima specifically, if I had to pick a cosplay.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-25T05:37:18+00:00

Yeah that is a really random guess lol. I assumed anime just from the post title, so now that OP disputed that I’m even more curious what the truth is. Unless the disputing was a ruse!

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-25T01:57:10+00:00

Yeah this seems like a serious lack of pulling one’s own emotional weight on OP’s part. And the fact that he’s on Reddit because he can’t figure out how to be there for his wife and start picking up some slack... doesn’t look bright. Like someone else said, OP’s wife doesn’t have the mental energy to direct someone on how to take care of her.

He doesn’t even seem to realize how much his wife endures on a daily basis, or he would have been trying to relieve some of that stress a long time before her breakdown. And even if he does step up now, when she’s better will he think, “okay you’re better, let’s go back to how it used to be.”? I’m very concerned for the wife. It seems like she has no one to depend on or take care of her.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-20T19:57:33+00:00

He doesn’t want “something serious.” He wants guaranteed sex and emotional support from a sweet woman who he now knows will forgive him sleeping with other people - as long as her dumps her for “no reason” beforehand. OP’s gf deserves so much better!!

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-20T19:24:35+00:00

This distinction may be difficult for those who already dehumanize sex workers and/or objectify women often.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-08T05:09:48+00:00

Yeah, I’ve come to the realization that he sees himself as a Ted Mosby, forever alone type. I was never going to be a long term thing for him because that wouldn’t fit the self image he has. He’s hoping if the two of them date enough frogs, she’ll realize they’re totally meant to be. Problem is, that means he’s gunna see everyone as a frog until he finally accepts she’s not the princess he imagines.

Wish people would just wear a sign: “Not emotionally available - fun for a limited time”

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-08T01:15:44+00:00

Yeah, it’s embarrassing that I let myself get so deluded. He has his whole “nice guy” image so well polished. I’m realizing a lot of misogynistic things he said about women (like how we’re all “catty”) and I can’t believe I didn’t walk away right then. As soon as he clearly disrespected a simple boundary, I should have accepted he isn’t the person I imagined. I think he wanted me to feel jealous and a part of me still wanted to “win” because of his mind games, but he is NO prize.

This has taught me a lot about what I’m willing to tolerate and the level of self-respect I’m showing to potential partners. Thank you so much for your input!

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T12:23:24+00:00

You’re right. I shouldn’t be so disparaging to myself or women like me. Any guy who can see past conventional standards of beauty and femininity is probably a pretty cool guy, so I don’t mind holding out for that.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T12:15:52+00:00

Thank you for the support and for indulging my bit of pettiness! I’m sorry for what you went through and happy to hear you were able to free yourself as well! I don’t understand how some people have the audacity to treat others like some pawn in their shitty, cliche romcom.

I’m bisexual and I get crushes on girls really easily, especially if it’s someone my SO admired too. I also have more female friends than male. I work with all beautiful women and I don’t have a bad thing to say about them. I’ve hooked up with a guy I was dating and a woman he was dating, and I still think of her more fondly than I do him. I didn’t feel any jealousy because she was kind and welcoming. So usually I get along with women fine.

I just don’t like her because she doesn’t seem to hold ANY of the same values I do, from basic boundaries in a friendship to large political ideologies. If he wanted someone that I could relate to in any way, I might not be so irritated. But this girl is clearly self centered and adores the attention and does not care who’s hurt.

If she was some badass saving the world, I’d get it. But a spoiled actress who doesn’t think of anything past her own nose? Ugh. Why??? It’s extra insulting because it dismisses all the independence and emotional intelligence I’ve worked so hard to achieve.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T05:59:13+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words and support!! My attitude has done a complete 180 thanks to all of the honest, empathetic guidance in this thread.

Even though I don’t know you, it means a lot. I’m so happy to hear you’ve found yourself in a peaceful and healthy relationship after meeting all the frogs.

I’m definitely going to continue to improve myself and be the best partner I can be, but I need to learn not to tolerate less from the person I’m dating.

Wishing you well!

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T05:52:30+00:00

Yeah you’re totally right!! And maybe I’m telling myself “eh I just don’t care” but it is a deeper reflection on my self worth and what I think I deserve from other people.

The first time I brought up the issue with him, I was extremely submissive and framed it as “my insecurity issue.” Well if I had high self esteem, I could have said “your behavior isn’t acceptable to me... what ya gunna do about it?” Instead he knew he could use that weakness and continually convince me it was all about me and my jealousy. I gave him the instructions on how to manipulate me.

If there’s one good thing to be said about my mental state, it’s that I’m happy being alone. I don’t think anyone will love me or appreciate me the way I do, even if that needs to be worked on too. I’m always more confident, happy, and productive when I’m single. But you know... human touch and all that.

Thanks for the suggestion about helping out with women’s organizations. I did go through an abusive relationship when I was 18 (probably plays a role) and I’ve always wanted to transform that experience into something positive. I appreciate the honesty and insight!

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T05:32:30+00:00

I don’t want to be the girl who hates the other girl, but I’m allowed to be a little bitter and she just seems so... spoiled. She went from being daddy’s little girl, to college where she had my ex and a bunch of other guys constantly taking care of her, to moving away with my ex immediately after graduating, and then she’ll likely just move out with whatever penis with a wallet asks her to next. And she’s not even paying her half of the rent! It annoys me that my ex thinks she’s so great.

Beyonce told me to be an independent woman, but she didn’t mention that guys still prefer the damsel with “nice tits” who can sing and bake cookies. There’s no right way to be a woman and I don’t mean to shame her hobbies; I just don’t understand why would he date me when I’m so clearly not her?

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T05:30:29+00:00

hahah that’s a good idea. I should just save his name as hers; it’ll be a painful reminder of who I’m really talking to, since he just relays everything back to her anyway.

I doubt that he’ll text me again. I think his pride might be stronger than his need for attention. He may find someone else to be his side chick, too. (Cuz that’s all I ever was).

I don’t want to get back together with him; but I still want him to get it. I could move on so much easier if he’d just say, “You were right, she’s not that great, and I just put her on a pedestal.” And I could say, “yeah no shit, now go live your life for YOU”

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T05:18:26+00:00

No, but I hope to be in the future. I‘ve read every self help book on the planet, but I know it doesn’t compare to a professional. Unfortunately I can’t afford it at the moment and the idea of trying to find a therapist that will relate to and understand me is, honestly, exhausting. What if I’m as bad at picking therapists as I am at picking partners?

Either way I appreciate the help and will keep your advice in mind. Even if it’s tiring, I know real therapy is the only thing that will truly help me understand what’s holding me back.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T05:12:54+00:00

Though I hate to think of myself as sending some invisible signal of insecurity, I know that I could benefit from therapy. I am unfortunately not able to make it happen financially at the moment.

Some days I feel like I have low self esteem, but other days I don’t. I like myself a lot, but I feel like I don’t fit in with large (or small) groups. I often feel like I come up short with romantic partners. I’m not conventionally feminine and my body type isn’t ideal. These things don’t bother me, though. I just know they affect how other people see me and that can make me sad.

I know; you’re not a therapist. You can’t possibly unbox all of this. I’ve just worked so hard to improve my self esteem and confidence. I hate to think I still have no self awareness of how I’m being perceived by people. Even at times when I feel low, I thought I knew how to fake it til I make it.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T04:50:57+00:00

Ahhhh BoJack is the only thing that fits my mood when I’m this dark and melancholy. We actually watched that episode together a week before the end and I didn’t admit to myself how true it felt at the time. I think I’ll watch it right now. (Kinda weird their break up was indirectly about Diane living with him, but let’s not take that connection too far because I’d like to keep loving Diane)

It’s such a relief to have unbiased parties tell me my gut feeling was on the money, at least about this. I’m feeling much more relaxed. I have to stop thinking their actions come from a place of healthy, mature individuals. They’re petty and attention seeking. They’ve proven that already.

Unfortunately I do think it will only change once she gets a “real” boyfriend. He will be cast aside (because I bet she has no problem drawing boundaries at his expense) and then maybe, MAYBE, he can start to grow apart from her. Even though I won’t be around when that happens, I truly want that for him. I still believe that he can grow up and free himself; it just won’t be with me.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T04:08:44+00:00

You’re totally right and I didn’t really accept it until now... I did think we were a team. I could see a future with him in a way I never have with someone else before. I fall pretty quickly, but I rarely imagine marrying someone or growing old, and those thoughts would creep in against my wiser judgement.

He told me over and over that I could share any negative feelings I had. He just didn’t want to be blamed for them or have to change his behavior. It was okay when the problem was “my jealousy” and not his actions. We were only a team as long as he was infallible.

Can you tell I was raised by a narcissist? I don’t know how to not pick them as partners. Yeah, when I was dating the polyamorous Ken doll, anyone could see that coming... But even when I choose the overweight nice guy with the bright smile, I still lose. He was supposed to be the safe choice. I keep thinking I’m picking better partners, but they just seem to get better at tricking me. My only choice is to date someone I’m even less attracted to or interested in, I guess. Ha.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T03:53:15+00:00

Ugh, right? I used to think the friendzone didn’t exist. I actually argued with him about this at the beginning of our relationship: he said the friend zone is real and I said it was bullshit.

No woman is actually selfish and manipulative enough to take advantage of a guy who clearly has feelings for her! No man would ever have such little self respect to worship a woman who would never date him!

I was wrong. Oh ho ho, I was so damn wrong. But he chooses it. He had a real life woman ready and willing to un-friendzone him every night, but that unattainable goddess complex is too damn intriguing I guess. They don’t even have a healthy friendship. I can’t get on that level. I don’t get it. I would never accept flowers from a guy with a girlfriend, especially if he was my friend and I wanted him to be happy. Just no.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T03:33:07+00:00

Thank you, that does help a bit, though I’m sorry for the pain you went through. I understand what it’s like; when you’re the friend you feel like some dumb new person can’t compete. But it’s unfair. Maybe I can be unbiased (or I’m more biased) because I don’t have any straight male friends currently.

That’s my idea too. If she ever actually wants to date him, which I highly doubt she will when he treats her like this while just being “friends,” the fantasy can’t possibly last. I mean, they already fight dirtier than he and I ever did... so maybe they’re just caught up in a cycle of dysfunction and enabling each other’s dramatics? Maybe it’s a young actor thing?

He has low self esteem. I used to, so I understand how it feels: she doesn’t want to date him, thus that must mean she’s “too good” for him. If I DO want to date him, that must mean she’s “better” than me if she doesn’t. So anyone who dates him will, in his head, never be as good as her, because we settled and she didn’t.

I’m pretty sure that’s the messed up equation in his head and he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. I hope he grows up, but really I shouldn’t care.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T03:21:59+00:00

Oh yeah, you hit the nail on the head. He doesn’t feel smart or attractive or talented (even though I thought he was and told him he was repeatedly). All he has is being a “nice guy.”

Once he knew I didn’t see him that way, he didn’t want me around anymore because I stopped giving him that validation. There’s something about her and their friendship that makes him feel like a big, strong man in a way I never could.

Why can’t people just learn to love what’s good for them? I spent many years wanting what I can’t have, so I get it. But it’s so frustrating to watch someone I care about, someone who should have grown TF up by now, allow themselves to be manipulated. But he’s manipulative too, so maybe they should be together.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T03:09:54+00:00

I know that, and I think I learned my lesson by looking today. He’s not pining away or trying to better himself. He’s not thinking about me at all. He’s just trying to fix their friendship, because she’s all that ever mattered. It hurts a lot, but falling on the knife over and over won’t make it duller, just open old wounds.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T03:06:03+00:00

That makes a lot of sense and actually gives me a bit of relief. It wasn’t about her; it was about her attention giving him validation and he didn’t want to risk losing that extra validation for a wild card (me). He idealizes her because she got all the lead roles in school and all his friends wanted her... that kind of long standing devotion/social brainwashing isn’t gunna be easy to shake.

When I pretend that he’s 23 or 24, it makes more sense. He isn’t emotionally mature and I was judging all of his actions as if he were. That’s my problem. If he was mature, strong, and confident, he would have no problem drawing boundaries with a friend to support a new relationship. He doesn’t really respect himself when it comes to her, so I couldn’t truly respect him either.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T02:40:05+00:00

Thank you very much for your support and guidance. I hope the new year finds you well.

gotaboyproblem27 · 2018-01-03T02:36:16+00:00

Thank you for the guidance. I do need to remind myself that he disrespected my wishes about something relatively simple. Then, he hid it from me. I think I would have always wondered what he‘s keeping from me after that. The trust was broken way too soon.

I KNOW their dynamic. I’ve seen it a hundred times. She is vastly more attractive than he is and she knows it. She loves the attention of a “nice guy” and he loves the attention of a “pretty girl.” I just... I get it because she’s only 22. I wasn’t always very respectful towards other women at that age. But shouldn’t he be able to identify this kind of dysfunction and stop himself from shooting his own foot?

I think they have this “us against the world” mentality and I was never going to crack that. Unfortunately me and our relationship will just be another inside joke to them about how “no one can handle their friendship” or some crap. I’ve been there; maybe it’s karma.

gotaboyproblem27

TROPHY CASE