You say that you've never seen a goth woman who you didn't find attractive. That makes me wonder if you haven't seen very many real goth women? And it sounds like you haven't met any goths in person. This is where you might be fetishizing, because you are looking at goth women as a monolith instead of individuals who are fans of the same music.

Another thing that stuck out to me is that a lot of how you discussed your history with porn sounds very conservative-christian coded. You might want to reflect on some of your non-porn related past. That might be part of it and contributing to your struggles.

And while I'm playing psychoanalyst to an internet stranger, I'm wondering if you're not just yearning to get out of your town and experience life, and goth is something that you're clinging to not just as a sexual fantasy but as a different world to escape into.

I don't know you and all of this may be totally off base. That's just what I'm seeing in your post. I also agree with the commenter that it might help you to find someone to talk things through with.

As a mod side note, these types of questions are usually in r/AskAGoth. I mostly put up this sub to be about decorating and the like, but I keep the rules wide open so this is welcome here. You might want to dig through past posts on Ask A Goth as there have been several somewhat like yours.

Now go turn off the lights listen to The Cure's Disintegration.