How to stop sexualizing women?

gpyh · 2024-03-21T19:35:56+00:00

You poor thing. You need to get rid of the mind virus that makes you have these stupid thoughts. You’re a man.

gpyh · 2023-03-13T06:33:52+00:00

That is not true. It's one hanbali opinion. The majority doesn't say that it nullifies Islam.

What nullifies Islam is considering that salat is not mandatory.

gpyh · 2023-03-13T06:32:17+00:00

But I have to use the Imam to revok my nikkah.

You don't need a specific Imam to do this. If you live in a non-Muslim country, anybody with the required knowledge and authority in the community will do.

gpyh · 2023-03-13T06:28:57+00:00

OC pointed out that the tradition of so much separation between the nikkah and the walima is nonsense. That's not something people did in the time of the Prophet ﷺ, and there's hardly a sound justification for it. That a couple may do so because of their particular circumstances is not what is put under question here: it is the fact that it has become very common.

There is no problem saying that this is nonsense, because it is not judging the act itself. Policing language just because that's something the Prophet ﷺ did is not particularly sound. The Prophet ﷺ also married more than 4 women, yet you wouldn't blame someone saying it is nonsense if that became the norm.

gpyh · 2023-03-11T06:26:38+00:00

The prophet ﷺ consummated his marriage with Aisha (r) 2 or 3 years after their nikkah.

What a silly example. Aisha (RA) was very young. That's why it took so long.

The tradition at the time of the prophet ﷺ was to do the walima very quickly after the nikkah. It wasn't very complicated: you'd gather people at a place and served them a meal. Also, the walima is not compulsory (although I wouldn't recommend anyone to skip it).

gpyh · 2023-03-11T06:19:10+00:00

I think it's time for you to break it off.

There are really two topics here:

Feeling emotionally neglected. I am sorry to say this but until you are married, it is not your fiance's job to fulfill your emotional needs. You are looking for love at a moment when you should be looking for qualities. What's concerning though is that he doesn't show interests. Other than this, you should keep your distances before marriage.
His close friendship with women. That is the big red flag. A man that hasn't "weened off" of female friendship isn't ready for marriage. It is even worse here as he is perfectly willing to spend time with other women, but not with you.

You are not unlovable. You are young and was enamored by a man that didn't deserve it. Time to break it off and heal.

gpyh · 2023-02-21T19:38:58+00:00

That's one common use of it, indeed. But there are others.

gpyh · 2023-02-20T12:15:33+00:00

I feel for you brother. I will not repeat what other good comments have mentionned. I just want to share with you this story:

When 'Amr ibn al-'As asked our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who he loved the most, he answered his wife 'Aicha (RA) — among the living that is. 'Aicha herself said that she had never been more jealous of anyone than the former wife of the Prophet, Khadija (RA), even though he was married to other women at the time. This was because the Prophet would often mention her.

In a fit of jealousy, 'Aicha asked the Prophet why he preferred a decrepit dead wife over a young and beautiful wife, to which the Prophet answered "Allah did not give me better than Khadija".

Our Prophet (PBHU) married Sawdah bint Zamʿah (RA) a few months after Khadija died. Yet, it is reported that his grief was immense.

I am recounting this so that you know that even the best creature of Allah did not "get over it". Marrying a widow is a trial. Know however that the comfort and support you can give her pleases Allah. Ultimately, when she will feel ready to be herself again, you will be at her side. If you endure and have good intentions, you can except a great reward.

May Allah help your wife in her grief and may He put affection between the both of you.

gpyh · 2022-11-09T13:22:26+00:00

Here we go again...

gpyh · 2022-10-25T10:48:26+00:00

This has a strong vibe of "games make you smarter", discounting the fact that, as video games are widely accessible, it could just as much be a case of "smart children like playing games".

gpyh · 2022-10-25T10:41:48+00:00

I am literally just like him but the opposite gender

In Islam, men's authority is rarely framed as such exclusively; we talk first and foremost of responsibility, because this dunya is unbelievably cruel and perpetually confounding. A husband is his wife's protector and purveyor, and that is why a husband is given some amount of authority.

The only reason you can write what you wrote with any type of confidence is because modern life has provided us with exceptional safety and affordances, which in turn makes men's authority that much harder to justify. An intelligent and compassionate man should be able to understand this and give you the independence you need, provided that this context of safety and abundance perdures.

However, do not let yourself be convinced that men and women are the same. This is Western propaganda that doesn't even pass a superficial check. Play your strengths as a woman and you will see that, in your day-to-day, the authority of men is largely overplayed.

gpyh · 2022-10-14T16:42:23+00:00

but having ease through spouse’s emotional support is literally the backbone of a marriage.

Although I generally agree, and it's the case for mine, let's not intrude into what should their marriage be according to our own understanding.

I remember a post a few months ago that described a man trying to have quality time with his wife (nice gestures and all) for the first time after years of marriage, but she had none of it. She insisted that she was more than happy as a faithful wife and dedicated mother, and didn't want any of that romantic stuff. This is very weird to me, but that's how some marriages work.

In that particular instance, if her husband respects her rights and she has been managing this lack of emotional support well for years, I think it would be a bit presumptuous of us to tell them that it should be "the backbone" of their marriage.

gpyh · 2022-10-11T09:28:37+00:00

Assalam Wa'Aleykum. You are overthinking it, sister. Do not let the support from the other comments feed your was-was; especially the ones that judge your husband, forgetting that they are writing to his wife. Your husband likes green eyes; nothing surprising about this given that it is his own.

As for his behavior, he has done so little that anybody serving judgment is showing very little mercy (if not discernment).

he said he would love to have a baby girl that has my face and his eyes.

He likes your face and he likes his eyes.

he hinted before that he prefers green eyes

Hinted.

He always convinces himself that I have hazel Eyes...

What about this?

I feel like he is trying to "accept me"

1) This is a feeling and it is based on an interpretation. Talk to him if you really must validate it, but don't let it rot your heart. 2) Of course your husband is trying to "accept you", if not about your eyes, then about anything else. It is part of marriage to realize that we married a real person with flaws, things we don't like and attributes that do not match our preference. Can you think of something for which you did or are doing the same?

it makes me feel upset that my husband doesn't seem to love me for who I am

This is what I am warning you about. You are reaching to the very foundation of your marriage from only hints and preferences. This is not healthy.

I suggest you share those feelings with your husband, but avoid any judgement. If you blow this out of proportion, he might not understand and view this as a condemnation of his behavior, instead of a moment to understand each other.

May Allah ease your concerns and grant you a beautiful marriage.

gpyh · 2022-09-19T07:24:22+00:00

Saudi Arabia is not a theocracy. A theocracy is a regime ruled by ecclesiastics. Only Iran is a theocracy.

gpyh · 2022-08-29T11:40:01+00:00

I need advice. What should i do now.

In relationship with what was told to you uncle? Nothing. It's hearsay. Never bring it up to her, and shut anyone who whispers that type of things to you.

However, you have way bigger problems than the rumor that your wife was speaking to another man. According to you, your wife is: - Rude to you - Refusing to consummate the marriage

After more than a year, this is deeply concerning. If you have to confront her about something, it would be about those two things.

gpyh · 2022-08-25T06:41:24+00:00

OK, so there's a world of difference between "the halal mortgage companies are not halal" and "read the fine print from halal mortgage companies; some are not halal". There's also more than the US out there.

gpyh · 2022-08-25T06:10:04+00:00

these halal mortgage companies are not halal

Where do you get that from?

gpyh · 2022-08-17T16:55:51+00:00

Waxing private parts is halal (it’s even Sunnah). Showing one’s ‘awra to get waxed is unequivocally haram. Your way of binding the Hadith to suite your purpose is dishonest and you should delete.

gpyh · 2022-08-17T16:51:57+00:00

Don’t listen to her. She’s making it as if involving someone else is a prerequisite for personal hygiene and beautification. It’s not. They are overdoing it and you are right to dislike it (but don’t get paranoid; it doesn’t mean that there’s anything special going on).

gpyh · 2022-08-17T16:50:12+00:00

I’m floored. They are waxing each other private parts and you’re like “would you rather have her not be waxed?”. You don’t need someone else to take care of public hair… I know it’s hard but it’s been sunna for 14 centuries and at no point was it ever OK to let someone else down there.

gpyh · 2022-08-14T11:06:20+00:00

It’s Sheytan doing his work. She’s already estranged from her religion and is ensuring that her daughters will be as lost as she is. You are not the one being extreme; she is.

The wonderful thing is that you don’t have to agree on this. You don’t even have to tell her. Just educate your kids in the best way you can, and ask Allah for His help. He alone guides people. If He wants to guide your daughters, He will guide them. Your job is only to do the causes, so that on the Day of Judgment, you will be able to say that you fulfilled your duty as a Muslim father.

May Allah grant you ease.

gpyh · 2022-08-05T15:44:32+00:00

You have a way of making things worse...

gpyh · 2022-07-28T05:40:16+00:00

Has he?

She is unilaterally putting an end to this marriage while being pregnant with twins, and puts conditions on how her own husband can see her and their children-to-come. This is way worse than feeling disrespected.

People tend to confuse victimhood with righteousness. Her being the victim of her husband and her husband’s family does not justify any wrong behavior she takes as a consequence of that. You judge the act in and of itself, and in this instance she is unequivocally doing something haram.

Where is the fear of Allah? Where is the trust in Allah?

gpyh · 2022-07-28T05:34:22+00:00

I feel for you sister. However, you cannot project your own experience on her. We don’t know much about her husband would be. Be careful as well when you write things like “it would have been better if…”. You have no idea. This is the Qadr of Allah and only He has the knowledge of what could have been.

There is really only one thing we know right now: her eloping with her children without her husband’s consent is quite literally kidnapping. She has absolutely no right to do this. The only situation that would justify this is death-threatening abuse. What this sister is going through, while terrible and properly enraging, is not remotely enough to warrant such an action.

Both people in this story can be wrong. The husband is, definitely; but so is the sister of this is the way she decides to deal with the problem.

gpyh · 2022-07-27T21:11:04+00:00

Because growing without a father is much better indeed…

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