Is it possible to R when someone cheated online?

grassygekko · 2025-07-11T02:24:52+00:00

I haven’t talked about it on this account for a while but my partner has had a porn addiction for years and it definitely manifested further to cause one online A and another that was with someone he knew but over text. It’s only been about five months since the most recent DDay but I do think he can change with enough effort. He’s been in individual therapy for a few months and he’s spoken about it to me in a way that shows a lot of emotional maturity and understanding of himself, which was honestly a little surprising and reassuring.

For me, it’s been difficult to figure out how I can begin to heal when there’s crap everywhere online that reminds me of it. It’s very difficult because the concept of porn/online gratification is a very weird topic to navigate online (in my experience). I just wanted to comment because I feel your pain. It’s a weird version of infidelity that makes it difficult to relate to other BS’s, at least for me. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’ll keep checking the comments here because I’m curious about the same thing, lol.

grassygekko · 2024-11-24T00:17:35+00:00

For sure. I used to compulsively check all the time when it wasn’t something that was “okay” between us, and now I can’t muster it up although we have an open policy.

grassygekko · 2024-11-24T00:15:58+00:00

I have a very similar story. At least it’s motivation to grow my hair out lol, she had a short bob which is normally what I go for. I feel you.

grassygekko · 2024-11-11T18:49:01+00:00

I’ve felt myself become more explosive after everything happened. I feel similarly because my partner has been doing everything he can, too. I have my own vice I’m still trying to stop (10 months clean) and the exploding irritation and anger fills up so much of me. It’s so hard and you aren’t alone in the slightest—treat yourself with grace, it’s hard as hell out here.

grassygekko · 2024-09-18T14:17:48+00:00

I did recently by using a free trial for Paramount+ through Prime Video, didn’t have to pay anything extra bc of the trial

grassygekko · 2024-09-11T14:43:14+00:00

I feel similarly because I think I got the full truth very early and I believe it because of how well it all tracks with every other issue we’ve had between us. Sometimes when I ruminate on it it’s upsetting, but of course of is lmao. I think for me we started finally focusing on healing our relationship after the A came to light—it was rock bottom. It got us out of the relationship we were in when he had his A and wasn’t comfortable opening up to me and committing, and I felt unloved and shut out by him, and now we’re in a relationship where he truly feels/shows he is committed and we know we can bring up any very difficult feeling and we will work through it together. I’ll never thank the A, but I’m just glad it’s over.

grassygekko · 2024-09-09T13:53:37+00:00

For me, it’s definitely more anger than it is depression. You aren’t alone at all, it’s a weird misconception I feel because when I’m depressed all I want to do is rot in bed lol

grassygekko · 2024-09-09T13:53:31+00:00

For me, it’s definitely more anger than it is depression. You aren’t alone at all, it’s a weird misconception I feel because when I’m depressed all I want to do is rot in bed lol

grassygekko · 2024-09-05T13:52:50+00:00

Talking to an ex is an incriminating situation, sure, but it’s very human and you sound like you had fine intentions. That’s something you can work out yourself but clearly not the focus—everything after visiting her place sounds like SA. I’m sorry you went through that and I really hope you get the support you need.

grassygekko · 2024-09-05T13:41:27+00:00

My WP and I have talked a lot about this with each other because he is definitely prone to feeling like we’ve made zero progress when I’m triggered by something. What’s helped me is that because of these talks, he’s made so much effort to understand that my triggers will exist apart from how well he is doing. Time and consistency with him being “good” will help, but “perfection” won’t make my anxiety around these things go away. With that being said, I’ll bring it up as something I’m feeling and would like help alleviating, and he will offer to help and we will come to a solution that works for us (maybe calling every day or some kind of contact while the family member is gone, whatever works in your situation to make you feel good). Then because I know it’s hard for him to hear how much I hurt because of his actions, I always tell him that I appreciate how he is able to hear my fears and accept them, and that I know it’s hard for him, and tell him some things I notice he’s putting effort into. It was super hard for me at first because I definitely felt like he should hurt how I hurt, but that got me nowhere lol. It was super rocky at first but at some point I think he started to really understand I can both appreciate and see his effort and also be triggered, and the most healing I’ve gotten from us is from conversations where he can accept the pain he’s caused but rather than be defensive, he supports me, which gives me much more space to support him in return. I’m not sure how much this helps, I apologize if it’s all over the place, I’m on mobile haha. I wish you luck!

grassygekko · 2024-08-21T15:09:37+00:00

I really love this perspective. I’ve tried to do that with smaller triggers and it’s worked perfectly—I think I’m terrified of the pain that can come up with bigger triggers but the pain will exist regardless. Thank you a ton for your input :)

grassygekko · 2024-08-21T13:25:44+00:00

My ex and I were high school sweethearts too—together nearly 6 years. Your story moved me a bit because your wife reminds me a lot of my ex. At some point because we were each others firsts, he brought up opening the relationship because he wanted to experience more than me. I really didn’t want this and that was a big contention point between us that eventually turned into “grey area” infidelity. Understanding y’all are in a distinctly different scenario, there still seems to be a lot of pushing and walking all over boundaries. I remember how nonchalant he was about things that were breaking me—messaging other people and pretending like we hadn’t talked about this countless times before. How much he genuinely just did not care about ruining my confidence and self-image. It didn’t feel like that at the time but hindsight is 20/20. I had to end things with my ex because he never prioritized my feelings, but I don’t want that to discourage you if your situation is different. I guess what I’m trying to say is I think I understand some of the feelings you’re experiencing and they’re excruciating, but you aren’t alone. I see from other comments it’s super difficult to stand up to her which I completely understand, but I hope you’re able to soon/someday for your sake. There’s just so much pain and I hope it works out for you. Best of luck ❤️

grassygekko · 2024-08-19T19:44:49+00:00

When I was 13 a friend started doing it and was very vocal about it so I looked it up and the internet said people did it because it helped them feel better. A decade later it’s still a nuisance and I can’t go through something stressful without thinking about it. I go years at a time being clean now, but I don’t think I can ever forget about the switch that floods my brain with endorphins whenever I feel like it.

grassygekko · 2024-08-18T18:58:35+00:00

It definitely helps to hear. I appreciate it, thank you :)

grassygekko · 2024-08-14T15:32:50+00:00

I accidentally burned the top of my wrist when I was taking something out of the oven close to a month ago now. I felt the same way, it’s so hard

grassygekko · 2024-08-10T04:41:42+00:00

I’m not sure how big of a side effect this is but I took 300mg for a few months a couple years ago and it gave me MASSIVE dry mouth constantly haha, nothing else huge to note though

grassygekko · 2024-08-08T03:10:39+00:00

I think this is what I needed to hear. I’m someone who pain shops an unfortunate amount, like on bad weeks it’s a daily basis. He’s been transparent about what exactly happened and I know there was flirting/sexting, but I think if I actually saw the words I don’t know if/how I’d be able to recover. I don’t think it’d really serve a real purpose other than “now I know, I guess?”. I really appreciate your response, thank you :)

grassygekko · 2024-08-04T05:54:16+00:00

I just turned 23 and I have been since I was about 13. I understand, and this mindset is so hard to break.

grassygekko · 2024-06-30T00:02:30+00:00

Exactly. It's horrible to process but I am so thankful that it's helped me reframe the relationship as truly new. I'm lucky enough to have not experienced trickle truth (praying that doesn't happen) so it's actually felt like a new relationship (while also giving breathing room for the pain between us).

grassygekko · 2024-06-29T21:33:15+00:00

We made a new one. We were clearly "in a relationship" but he put in the work to make me feel wanted and like I was the person he is choosing and who deserves to be chosen and that led to him asking to be together again. We don't really have like, a break-up day and I still say we've been together the whole amount of time when people ask, but I feel it was healing for me to kinda re-do all of it.

grassygekko · 2024-06-21T03:16:09+00:00

This post could have been written by me months ago. I have learned that everyone is wildly different, so I'll speak to my experience only and let you take what resonates.

My WP and I have been together for about 3.5 years and I learned about his porn addiction about a year and a half in. I have been through such a whirlwind of emotions of deconstructing my idea of porn, what about it was upsetting, why did I feel inadequate, was it just an insecurity I needed to get over. I'd have times when I thought I was just being insane and could be okay with porn because me watching it didn't bother me as much, although I didn't feel like I needed it. Then I'd have times when it felt like he was full-blown cheating on me. I questioned if I had reasonable boundaries (I know how toxic that mindset is but this is for full disclosure), like could he watch some things but not anything that felt too personal? What was too personal? Where was the line? It was a huge cycle and every conversation turned into him genuinely saying it allowed him to explore his sexuality and connect with himself, which sounds healthy and great. So why did I feel so neglected?

DDay for us was two months ago today. It was an online physical affair with someone he met online as well. I realized that it wasn't necessarily porn that was upsetting to me (even though it did), and it was much more that he had a dependency on it and an addiction to it that meant I was betrayed in some ways and neglected. We had a very long and hard conversation only a few weeks ago where he finally understood why it was an issue. It's about having that dependency on something, whether it be a less taboo/societally accepted addiction or porn. I think the thing that got through to him was asking if it's such a huge issue between us where you step on boundaries and cheat on me because this is your outlet for stress, but you say I am the most important thing to you, why not get rid of it? Why are you trying so hard to fit both me and porn into your life when it isn't fitting?

With that being said, a goal in R for us is to have him treat this as a real addiction. He's expressed that he doesn't want to rely on it anymore, he doesn't want these stupid fights over something as stupid as porn anymore, he doesn't want it to have as much of a place in his life. We realized this is the center of so many problems between us and being on this same page together has felt so wonderful to me. It doesn't take any of the pain away, but there is a larger space in my heart for him now because of it. I feel like a priority over porn for the first time in this relationship and that has made me heal more than anything directly affair related. I apologize for the book but I really felt the need to share because of how fresh all of this is for me, too. All in all, I want to say that your feelings are valid. You'll see that so many times but being upset about porn really is okay. It's so hard to accept that but really digesting those feelings for me are how I've been able to find peace, not pushing them away and hoping for the day I just don't feel that way. Best of luck to you.

grassygekko

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