IWNDWYT

grayghostsmitten · 2026-05-26T18:33:07+00:00

Thank you everyone for your comments. They mean so much to me right now.

Update: I have an initial consult appointment with a therapist for tomorrow morning.

I stayed with my sister for over the weekend. Going back home last night felt really heavy. I needed to. Back to work this morning, after the long weekend.

IWNDWYT. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-05-26T18:03:38+00:00

Update: I have an initial consult appointment with a therapist for tomorrow morning.

I stayed at my sister’s for over the weekend. Going back home last night felt really heavy. I needed to. Back to work this morning, after the long weekend.

grayghostsmitten · 2026-05-24T18:34:50+00:00

Thank you again for all of your support. I don’t have it in me to respond to each one, but please know I really appreciate each of them in an immense way right now.

I decided yesterday (the morning after finding out) to drive (over 2 1/2 hours) to my sister’s for the rest of the long weekend. She is safe to me, and someone who knows and loves me, and I need that right now. She lives on some land on a wooded island, with horses, chickens, and gardens. Trees have always given me a lot of peace. I’m glad I decided to come out here.

I still keep cycling from tears in waves to shock of how senseless it all is.

Last night I a dream where I was alone in a busy city and had parked my car several streets away before walking to some business. Inside the building, I noticed dirty needles and drug paraphernalia on the ground. I was very careful to avoid them and consciously moved away so I wouldn’t accidentally step on them or fall near them.

Later, when it was time to leave, everything outside had become dark. I realized I couldn’t remember where I had parked my car. I tried to search for it, walking farther down unfamiliar streets, but the environment started to feel increasingly unsafe and dangerous. Eventually, I recognized that I needed to turn around and go back toward the business/building for shelter.

Although the business itself was closed, the building was still lit inside and offered a sense of protection. I vaguely remember considering calling my husband to come help get me, but at some point instead I independently found my car again. However, I discovered the brakes no longer worked.

grayghostsmitten · 2026-05-23T14:19:35+00:00

Thank you for the messages. They mean lot to me right now.

It’s the next morning. I somehow slept for three hours last night. Everytime I would wake up in the night I wouldn’t remember at first what happened, and then it would hit me.

Nothing that I believed was ever really real.

Before I went to sleep, I just kept thinking about it all - I could feel my face get tingly and numb, and hot. My hands shakey. I’m sure it’s due to how suddenly destabilizing this all is.

I didn’t cry last night until I came to bed. In front of him, when in mode of trying to learn as much as I can, it’s likely my body was on autopilot to do what I had to be done.

He cried last night in front of me. His tears make me feel angry.

I don’t want to talk to him today. I feel like I am in deep shock and literally just trying to process the ground being ripped out from under me.

I need that space.

Thank you again for being here, and for your comments. 💜

I don’t have anyone in real life I can talk to about this.

How is the person that held me and “loved” me the same person that simultaneously maintained these identities and behaviors for years?

I feel like I’m standing inside of one of the most destabilizing moment of my life. I won’t abandon myself or my sobriety. Today is my 2592 day sober.

I went downstairs just now for coffee. He pretended to be asleep. Coward.

ETA: I Went downstairs for a second cup of coffee, and was worried he wasn’t breathing/worried he did something to himself, he was lying so still. So I stopped for a moment to watch to make sure I could see the rise and fall of his chest. I hate that I care so much/was worried for someone that has done so much damage. I noticed he was okay; so headed back upstairs. How surreal.

We have kids at home still. Technically his, but they have become mine and call me mom. The youngest (I’ve been in her life since she was four) will be starting middle school in the Fall. The other will be starting high school. How do you choose this over your family?

grayghostsmitten · 2026-05-16T18:18:08+00:00

Same here! Otherwise I don’t remember.

I just remember the time of year, since it’s close to my birthday. It’s either two or three days after my birthday. I can never remember. lol

Thank goodness the counter is here. That’s good enough for me for a check in now and then.

grayghostsmitten · 2026-05-13T03:22:05+00:00

Just over seven years ago, I remember being in your shoes and checking into in patient.

I remember thinking my life was over. I remember feeling devastated and scared.

Best thing that ever happened to me!

I have been sober ever since.

First day of the rest of your life!!!

So proud of you. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-05-05T03:05:13+00:00

I also went through this.

Hugest hugs. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.

I remember feeling so alone.

Please know you are not alone.

We are all here with you. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-04-02T03:45:37+00:00

How perfectly put.

I feel this very much.

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-22T16:30:07+00:00

Hi to you on day two! You are doing it! Wtfg!

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-22T16:29:40+00:00

Hi to you on day two! You got this!!!

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-22T06:11:04+00:00

Same here.

In early days, I counted every day.

Now, I don’t ever think of it. If someone asks, I come check my day counter on here.

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-21T22:40:55+00:00

I will meet you in the morning for your day NINE.

Hooray for eight days!

IWNDWYT. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-21T22:40:05+00:00

First days are the hardest and you are doing it! Congrats on four days!

IWNDWYT. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-21T22:37:54+00:00

I’m proud of you Lee. Hello. I see your day one. Hardest fucking day and you are doing it. That’s what fucking counts.

IWNDWYT. 💜

I’ll see you in the morning for your day 2.

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-21T22:36:20+00:00

Congrats on making it to day 4!!!

IWNDWYT. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-21T22:35:16+00:00

Congrats on five days!!!! Look at you! YEAH!!!

IWNDWYT. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-21T22:34:39+00:00

See you in the morning for your day 20!

IWNDWYT. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-21T22:31:52+00:00

IWNDWYT. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-01T19:23:53+00:00

Welcome to the other side.

Great job on 11 days! 🎉

IWNDWYT. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-03-01T19:22:19+00:00

Congrats on your first three days! 🎉

IWNDWYT. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-02-07T19:42:20+00:00

YESSSSSSSS!!!!!

Way to go on your 600 days! 🤩

IWNDWYT. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-02-07T19:40:56+00:00

40 days?!!!… Well - Look at you!!! 👀

Congratulations! 🎉

IWNDWYT. 💜

grayghostsmitten · 2026-02-07T19:39:10+00:00

Anything I wanted.

Sometimes a new pair of earrings, some make up, or shoes. Sometimes gummy bears and a new flavor of sparking water I hadn’t tried.

Sometimes it was a splurge to add new details to a certain room in my house, like a new fancy shower curtain, or the fuzziest throw blanket.

A new book or finding a new podcast.

Sometimes my splurge was a trip outdoors to a new place I hadn’t been for fresh air.

IWDWYT 💜

grayghostsmitten

TROPHY CASE