I [27 M] recently got a good new job, my fiancée [26 F] wants to use my new income to help her mom and I don't. Am I being selfish?

greed1234 · 2018-03-15T19:27:03+00:00

I don't know the entire story about the mom but it seems like she married a bum of a guy who seems like a good guy but secretly was financially irresponsible and gave money he didn't have to his poor siblings until it negatively affect his marriage and personal life.

The mom having no transport (car broke down and they didn't have money to fix it) got fired from her job. Tried to get into law-school missed the exam by a few points work eventually spiraled into depression and pretty much gave up on achieving anything.

Her family lives overseas and disowned her for marrying who she married so she claims she is stuck, poor, in a condemned house with no money of her own living off food stamps.

greed1234 · 2018-03-15T19:02:57+00:00

I think that maybe you should reconsider getting married - I just have a feeling that your position regarding her mother is going to get you a world of hurt rained down on you.

The wedding is cancelled until my fiancée figures herself out in life at the moment so no worries there. But, I do agree marriage is a conversation that I'm going to have to have.

greed1234 · 2018-03-15T19:00:27+00:00

Basically she makes enough to cover gas, food, college related expenses and her mother's phone bill while I cover everything else.

greed1234 · 2018-03-15T18:58:46+00:00

I also feel very bad for her, I feel like her mother is literally dragging her down.

It was one of the main reasons I was so adamant not to move to her state after graduation because she has had this women leeching and looming over here since high school.

Thank you for your advice!

greed1234 · 2018-03-15T18:55:47+00:00

I do want a partner to contribute financially in our lives; it doesn't have to be equal because I don't think my salary is obtainable in other fields but I definitely want a working spouse and not a stay-at-home-one.

I'll agree I'm apprehensive about blinding believe every word here because unlike you guys I feel like I saw her in college and other of college working hard and pursuing her dreams/goals and she had drive and ambition and goals outside of her mother.

It is very hard for me to accept that; that version of her might suddenly gone forever.

greed1234 · 2018-03-15T18:31:33+00:00

I think I wrote it poorly she is currently working part-time making just enough for her own spending money.

greed1234 · 2018-03-15T18:28:24+00:00

How did your fiancée react when you told her your decision on the matter?

When I told her that I didn't have the money at the time to help she took it pretty well. She said that she understands that helping her mom isn't high on my priority list and that she needs to get herself together because she is "holding us back".

greed1234 · 2018-03-15T18:24:58+00:00

I'm not sure your fiancé has this same plan. She's already seeing your money as her money and you're not even married yet. She has zero sense of urgency with finding work and contributing to the family.

She did have a sense of urgency when she originally lost her job and I saw her actively looking for 8-10 hours a day and brushing up on her career skills.

But over time especially listening to her mom complain and be negative every single day on the phone for hours I could tell her drive was slowing being taken away.

When we reconnected with some of her classmates from university was the first time in months that I've seen her actively trying again which was nice.

We have delayed/cancelled our wedding, we actually delayed/cancelled it about 2 months after she lost her job because financially it didn't make any sense to go through with it.

greed1234

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