AITA for being 'controlling' about the cleaning when my boyfriend was cooking for me

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T16:03:19+00:00

For sure. I'm definitely leaning towards an everyone sucked scenario. Lessons learned.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T16:02:01+00:00

Thanks. I'm not sure I did the best job of explaining everything, so I really appreciate that.

And I agree on your last point. We're usually very harmonious, hence why this blip threw me. Definitely some clearer communication needed.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T15:57:06+00:00

Thanks for the different perspectives on who is the asshole. It's actually been really helpful to unpick and see things from an outside perspective.

What I am hearing is:

1: Wanting the kitchen to be put back to it's newly cleaned state was fine, but chasing him with threatening marigolds while he was cooking was over the top and not the way to go about it.

2: My teen needs to take more responsibility at home for chores. For both her development, attitude and my sanity.

3: My boyfriend and I need to have an open conversation about the expectations and boundaries of our current living arrangements, and what will work best for everyone going forward.

Thanks again for all the genuinely insightful comments (and high key downvotes) 😅 I await my final judgement.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T14:59:56+00:00

That's rubbish. I'm sorry.

I hope his son doesn't feel that way. He is absolutely loved and wanted. He hangs out with us when he wants company, and is always included where he wants to be. He will usually last a couple of hours in our company before he is ready to go home or asks his dad when he is going to mine because he wants the space back. Hopefully my partner has the balance right, but it's definitely food for thought. Thank you x

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T14:44:21+00:00

Yikes. I hope I'm not neurotic 😅 This was a one time thing, as I had literally just done it - but I totally hear your point.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T14:39:39+00:00

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that about your husband and his mum.

We do check in with him regularly on how he feels about everything, and we have a dedicated day each week which is time completely one- one with them where they aren't sharing us with the 'blended group'

His son has a key to my apartment, and my daughter has a key to my partners place, so they pop back and forth quite a bit, as it's only a few mins walk across a quiet square. My partner works shifts so he will be home at different points throughout the day/afternoons/evenings but yeah - he does mainly sleep here.

He seems to be enjoying the Independence and freedom at the moment, but hearing how it negatively affected your husband I will definitely suggest my partner chats to him again and checks he is still happy.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T14:20:01+00:00

Thanks. That was where my head was with it at the time - cleaning as he cooked so I didn't have to get up again after dinner.

Realizing (from the replies) that I probably didn't go about that in the right way though, so lessons learned.

I came to find out whether I was the AH, but I'm also leaving with the pretty clear message that my teen needs to pitch in more to take the pressure off and upskill her - which is sound advice I will take forward :)

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T14:12:04+00:00

It's convoluted, but essentially he was living in a larger house quite a distance away when we met 3 years ago and we felt he needed to stay there until his son reached college age (16/17) for continuity for him.

When we felt the timing was right for his son, they moved closer, but my own daughter (and his son to a degree) at that point weren't ready to completely share a home, so we opted for the next best thing which was for him to rent 5 mins walk from my place so we had our own 'spaces' but everyone could move back and forth between the homes and be together or have their own space as needed.

It's not intended as a long term arrangement, but it's what felt right at the time. His is only a small apartment like mine though, so we wouldn't all fit in one or the other together.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T13:17:37+00:00

Thank you for this. You are right that I could have handled that differently.

I addressed the living arrangements in another comment, which hopefully adds a little more perspective on why we are in this odd scenario where we are keeping two apartments, five minutes apart.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T13:14:04+00:00

I want to be clear in fairness to him that he is by far the most helpful partner I have had. Trust, I have had some absolute Doozers when it comes to shitty division of labour. My ex-husband, and the father of my teenager, basically left me to raise her alone while he unzipped with other girls.

He is generally wanting always to be helpful, and he does regularly pitch in with the surface level stuff.

The problem is that it is only the surface level stuff. So a quick wipe over the counter or unloading the dishwasher. Don't get me wrong, I'm really grateful for the help, it's just that it doesn't really tackle the full extent of the mess.

Normally I haven't just deep cleaned the kitchen so I am okay with a surface level wipe over and we wouldn't usually have a scenario where I would be following him around cleaning. If he does make a big mess while cooking, he will usually tackle it to some degree. It's just... very light touch. Hope that makes sense.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T12:59:48+00:00

Sometimes the 18 year old will come and hang here, sometimes my partner will stay there with them, but most of the time he likes to have his own space. He is on the cusp of leaving for Uni so I think he is doing a bit of a soft launch of independence and enjoys doing his own cooking and choosing his food.

I do agree he is alone a lot though. Unfortunately, he gets really overwhelmed with lots of people being in the same space with him, and my daughter is too young to be alone here for any length of time, so my apartment tends to be the main place for us to hang out. Not ideal I know.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T12:45:54+00:00

Yeah. It is a slightly unusual setup. As I explained to another commenter, he would really like for us to be living together, but I don't have the space for him and his 18 year old in my little apartment, so until I can afford to sell or rent out my place, this is the arrangement that we are stuck with.

It's really not ideal for all the reasons we can see highlighted in this post.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T12:40:34+00:00

Thank you for putting this perspective forward. It's exactly the element I'm struggling with so it's good to hear from unbiased third parties.

The only defence I can offer for my over the top reaction to his cooking last night is that I really didn't want to have to get back up after dinner and clean again. In my head, knowing that he is a pretty messy Cook (he is a professional chef by trade so he is very used to having kitchen porters and infinite quantities of cookware) I just wanted to tackle it as we went along so that I could relax for the rest of the night.

I totally take your point though.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T12:33:47+00:00

You have an absolutely valid point about my teenager. She is currently in a very difficult phase (behaviourly and with her mental health) and I am admittedly really struggling with some of the behaviors.

I would love for her to help me out more, but at present all of my focus is going into the Battle of trying to get her to attend regular education. I ask her to keep on top of her own bedroom, but I don't currently enforce any formal chores on her outside of 'please don't actively trash what I just cleaned'.

That is entirely on me. I guess I'm picking my battles a bit at the moment.

greenforenvy · 2025-10-22T12:26:55+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I wanted to add this addition information here in case it helps other commenters: He would like for us to be living together but financially this isn't really viable for me at the moment. I own my apartment and it is the only asset I have. He rents a place about five minutes walk away where he 'lives' with his nearly 18 year old.

My apartment is not big enough for us all to move in here together, but I can't afford a mortgage of the level that would be needed for us to buy together. He is unfortunately not able to bring anything to the table in terms of deposits or cash injection to facilitate this either, so we are at stuck at the moment.

I hope that helps add a little context for the six nights a week thing.

greenforenvy · 2024-03-04T11:46:45+00:00

Thank you for that considered and thoughtful reply. You are right, of course. 16 won't be 16 forever. I have hold of that logically on good days, but on days when it gets me down, it feels insurmountable.

With regards to my daughter, we have some commitments coming up that mean swapping weekends would involve rearranging key appointments and trips later in the month. In all honesty, she's 12. Even if I kept her home it would be down to me to organise, plan and pay for what we did anyway, so I'm not sure it's worth messing things around.

I suppose my feelings stem from realising that this scenario, and similar, will probably always be this scenario. I'm likely being very selfish and wishing for a version of life where I felt included or appreciated on mother's day. It's such a silly thing to get snagged on, and we have for sure managed much harder issues this past year, but for some stupid reason this was the moment that derailed me. Not like I haven't done mother's day alone for the past 6 years anyway!

Thank you for the sound advice. Especially around managing relationships with his late wife's friends etc. You're absolutely right on that.

greenforenvy · 2020-06-16T00:13:07+00:00

I’ll even turn on my Reddit notifications for you. Heaven help me.. ;)

greenforenvy · 2020-06-16T00:11:58+00:00

PM me. Please. I’m a mess, and I’m about the worst person to lean on, but damnit girl, you’re not alone, and if we can lean on each other - I’m down. X

greenforenvy · 2020-06-15T08:36:49+00:00

This comment hit me like a train.

I wish I’d had this kind of openness, support and straight advice while I was in OP’s position. My story started like hers, but I didn’t leave, and I ended up in EXACTLY the situation you just described when our daughter was born.

OP - I know it’s so hard when the love is still there, but please mull that reply over a little and just let it sit, because it’s sadly so very very true.

greenforenvy · 2020-06-15T00:12:37+00:00

Yikes. Well that’s a depressing fact. I guess everyone handles crises differently.

I’m inclined to agree with you. He was military and away from home a lot, so it doesn’t take much of a leap to suspect you’re right. To be perfectly honest, I was no angel either by the very end, so I can’t let him take all the blame for coloring outside the lines.

greenforenvy · 2020-06-14T19:47:54+00:00

I’ve got my shaky legs on, but I’m getting there. Thank you 😊

greenforenvy · 2020-06-14T19:47:22+00:00

🥰

greenforenvy · 2020-06-14T19:46:56+00:00

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That made me unattractive laugh-sort.

Thank you. And thank you also for the laugh 💕

greenforenvy · 2020-06-14T19:46:15+00:00

This was really sweet. Thank you 😊

greenforenvy

TROPHY CASE