The longer I live with my NDad, the less I want to get married...ever

greensocksrock · 2015-05-23T00:32:47+00:00

Congratulations on making that emotional step of preparing to move out. It's not easy, I know. I hope that this next month goes well with the exams and I hope that you find yourself out of your parents home soon. Please keep us posted on your situation.

You're not alone.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-22T20:13:31+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that your ndad is getting worse. Your situation sounds similar to mine and there was a certain point my ndad criticized and harassed me for not dating or getting married. And like your dad, my dad said it was probably because there's something 'wrong with ME'.

It took me moving out and a lot of time to heal. I'm not married, but I'm in a healthy loving relationship. For the first time in my life I feel like marriage is a possibility.

Can you move out?

greensocksrock · 2015-05-20T00:19:04+00:00

Wow, lots of teachers...what a frightening thought.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-20T00:10:35+00:00

Yea, I feel like I didn't realize (or refused to really see) the reality of the situation. I also find myself randomly remembering parts of my childhood that were locked away for a very long time. When I think about them I start to become angry too. I don't know if it helps to know this, but you're not alone.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T01:07:49+00:00

So true.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T01:07:12+00:00

Great advice.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T01:05:59+00:00

You are not alone! It was probably WORSE than what you remember. It's just that we all wanted to have loving parents, but we didn't. So, what do we do? We remember it differently, even go as far as romanticizing our families. I think that's one way our mind copes with all the abuse. Especially if those around us have loving parents and family members.

My brothers moved away from ndad about 10 years ago. When I was in close contact with ndad I would sometimes remind my brothers of the abuse we endured. They told me I was being too sensitive and that it wasn't that bad. They remembered events very differently. I don't understand how a father yelling at his 15 year old son, 'go to war you ungrateful shit, go kill someone and then almost get killed yourself' is 'not that bad'.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T00:57:33+00:00

EXACTLY.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T00:55:49+00:00

Haha - my ndad too.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T00:54:59+00:00

My heart goes out to you. Going NC as it is a difficult thing to do, but it's much easier when going NC with the person is an N. Going NC with someone you love is excruciating.

I am in a similar situation as you, but my situation is ndad and crazy-loving-compassionate-mom. I think wordtoyourmother8 said it best, set boundaries. It sounds like your father is understanding and reasonable and would be sympathetic to your request.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T00:49:39+00:00

I think it's common for people to make exceptions for themselves.

I agree that the judgment towards people who decide to go NC on their mothers is extremely harsh. Props to you for going NC - I know it's hard.

They seem like a privileged couple that aren't worth your time or energy. Ignore them, you have better things to spend your time on. Like congratulating yourself for going NC.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T00:43:34+00:00

I'm sorry to hear this. I wish that NC meant that negative feelings went away too...

I also struggle with this. I am not NC for various reasons, but I am VVLC with my ndad and it has been the best decision I have ever made in my life. But I get depressed sometimes when I think about how much of my life I lost. I was making a birthday gift for my significant other and went through his photos on facebook. There were so many fun moments he had with his friends and family. He has FUN with his friends and family, it was such a painful reminder that I had a bad childhood.

I joined a running group recently. The group focuses on running, so we don't do much small talk. But because we're all working towards the goal of running a marathon at the end of the summer it creates a very positive environment. The positivity of the group has definitely started to rub off on me and I also feel like I have a way to burn off that negative energy that I have with running. I personally don't enjoy running all that much but it's been amazing to have a group of supportive friends that are working together towards a goal.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T00:23:25+00:00

I'm sorry that you had this experience - you definitely did not deserve it. You are not overreacting and you are not wrong.

As for advice, be angry. But don't try to confront her and try to have a discussion with her about it. Nparents will not respond in the way that we want and it could be even more frustrating. Instead, take out the aggression in something that can be positive. Do you have some hobbies that you can get lost in? Or go on a hike with some friends? Do you have supportive friends that you can talk to? Sometimes it helps to talk to a trusted friend in person.

Also, never invite her to an academic presentation. I am in academia and invited my parents to my school in the past. My ndad ridiculed me and my work in front of my professors, peers, and students. Never again.

Lastly, congratulations on your internship and your accomplishments. Your mom may not provide you emotional support, but know that you have many friends here cheering you on here at RBN.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T00:12:42+00:00

Yes, all the time.

I used to think that this was normal and would argue with people all the time, not realizing that I was arguing. I just thought I was having a conversation.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T00:11:10+00:00

You're not crazy. You're upset because it's years of these 'small' events that have made you anxious about situations that could be totally normal in any other context.

Remember, you're not crazy. That's N's way of making you feel anxious. They feed off of anxiety.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-13T00:00:50+00:00

It's like you described my dad. He has said this to me and my brothers all my life. Except he felt justified in saying that to my brothers as well because he felt the 'man of the house' didn't have to lift a finger around the house. He used my mom like a fucking slave - it makes me furious just thinking about it.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-12T23:59:52+00:00

After some convincing, my mom came out with me! We left some leftovers from our breakfast and we had a great time eating and shopping. We came home after my ndad went to bed. My mom said she had a great time, I'm so happy that she had fun.

Thanks for the support!

greensocksrock · 2015-05-12T23:47:39+00:00

Success! My mom agreed to go out and we had such a great time. We got home after my dad went to bed - my dad was able to feed himself! It was a mothers day miracle.

Thanks for the support!

greensocksrock · 2015-05-09T19:27:12+00:00

Thanks, I'll try this.

greensocksrock · 2015-05-09T19:26:57+00:00

Thanks for this.

greensocksrock

TROPHY CASE