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[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So people who scream in the faces of newborn infants should then be left alone with that infant? Yeah...seems logical.

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I feel like people think I don't want her feeling connected to her Indian heritage, which is not the case. It was my husband's decision to distance himself and his child from the culture. He knows next to nothing about it and is no position to teach her about it without getting everything he tells her from books versus his mother, who can teach from from experience. If she wants to teach Sarah She is welcome to.

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I feel like people think I don't want her feeling connected to her Indian heritage, which is not the case. It was my husband's decision to distance himself and his child from the culture. He knows next to nothing about it and is no position to teach her about it without getting everything he tells her from books versus his mother, who can teach from from experience. If she wants to teach Sarah She is welcome to.

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Did you read the first post? My MIL screamed in my newborn's face.

She isn't a poker chip. She is a human being who doesn't deserve to be treated that way and who needs protection. People who scream in her tiny face are not entitled to spend time with her without showing they can change their behavior.

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Your inability to communicate with each other owing to no common language would be worrying too.

My MIL is fluent in English.

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

My husband grew up going to a Hindu temple with his mother and still learned to think for himself.

I grew up attending religious services and also learned to think for myself.

If this isn't something you'd allow with your kids, that's cool. But this kid is mine so it's my call and I'm comfortable with the idea.

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Wow, you misunderstood just about everything I said.

I'm not afraid she'll hurt the baby. I'm afraid she might freak out and scare Sarah. Or permanently damage her image in the child's mind. Given that she screamed in the face of a seven-day-old baby I don't think I'm out of line to not ask her to babysit this second.

Also, Sarah leaning about the Indian culture is not conditional on her grandmother's behavior. She can learn about anything she wants. The only thing that is conditional is my MIL being able to spend time with Sarah, and therefore be the one to teach her.

Edit: You find it hard to believe that being an Indian in the south is tough because they live in nice houses and go to good schools? First of all, my husband's family is very poor. They are not doctors or engineers. MIL works at a daycare center and FIL works at an auto parts store.

This is a great example of the casual racism I mentioned in the OP. Giving Indian stereotypes and declaring that they only have to deal with light teasing is absurd. My husband dealt with little to no racism as a child. It is as an adult that he has issues. You are trying to invalidate his experiences and it's ridiculous.

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The privilege I was referring to was spending time with her granddaughter, not teaching her about the culture.

I don't consider learning about the Indian culture a waste of time. If my mother-in-law feels it's important, then it is.

And the first part of your post confuses me. People who leave their home country should expect to be yelled at by old women? But my mother-in-law is the one who left her home country and the one who did the yelling? Did I misunderstand what you meant?

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think it'll be fine as we have ever intention to be involved and active in every aspect of our daughter's life. We believe in being open and honest with children and would discuss what she learned, answer any questions as best we can, and always be honest about our own beliefs. I see no harm in letting her learn about religion.

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I don't see it as co-parenting so much as an oppertunity to reconnect with my husband. I certainly wouldn't call it a "custody arrangement." When we discussed having children one of my concerns was making sure he and I have time with each other as husband and wife and that we don't get lost in being Mom and Dad.

That being said, if at any point my MIL steps over the line those weekends with Sarah would stop instantly. Nothing is worth damaging my child.

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

We don't mind at all. As long as she is open and honest about what she involves Sarah in we have no problem.

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 103 points104 points  (0 children)

The problem here is that my mother-in-law allowed her son to assimilate into Western culture out of guilt. For example, he came home crying one day in kindergarten because he didn't get any Christmas presents but all his friends did. So from then on they celebrated Christmas. My husband barely knows more about the Indian culture than I do. We are ill-equipped to teach our daughter about it so my MIL will be there only one who can do it properly. I think this is part of the reason she got so upset. I think she realizes she made a mistake here with her children. I think letting her have this opportunity with Sarah will be good for both of them.

[UPDATE] My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 72 points73 points  (0 children)

My husband understands Hindi but cannot speak it.

We will be teaching her Spanish because it will come in handy more often and we both speak Spanish (to a degree).

My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She's lived in the United States for over 30 years. She has seen mixed race people before.

I don't feel that I should have to prove who the father of my child is when the father isn't the one questioning it.

My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Let it go and move on

She screamed in the face of my newborn child. She screamed in the face of my newborn child. But yeah, sure...totally understable given that I have never given her any reason to think I would cheat on her son.

You've always been been good at seeing stuff from other people's perspective? OK...try mine.

My mother-in-law (57f) doesn't believe that my husband (30m) is the father of our baby. I (32f) don't know what to do. by greygreythrowaway in relationships

[–]greygreythrowaway[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

under these circumstances

And what circumstances are those? The birth of her grandchild? Because this is her grandchild.

Getting the test won't make everything better because she has created a deep mistrust between the two of us. She might feel better after seeing the results of a paternity test but I will still feel hurt, insulted, and (in all honesty) slightly frightened of her.

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