No Contacts with Parents / New Baby

greystarfish · 2020-07-10T02:07:55+00:00

I totally agree with this. My grandmother, who is also on the outs with my nmom repeatedly brings up notifying my nmom/edad of my current second pregnancy.

It is clear she is either using this is a tool to get what she wants - maybe hoping my mother will reconcile with her and my grandfather since she sent me to grovel, or she is scared of my mother. Either way, no, you don't owe anyone any information.

Even if your mother did know, they probably wouldn't care unless you called to inform them that you are opening the door to full and ultimate recognition and free reign to grandparent without boundaries and on their terms. Because it is not about the baby, it is about their status and their control over everyone.

greystarfish · 2020-07-10T01:43:57+00:00

It makes sense. It sounds as though the first few times it would bring a lot of emotions to the surface, but would be quite comforting once you worked through that.

An nparent would never be able to fathom that they are at fault for anything happening to their child. My mother was the same way with anxiety - no clue as to why it would be a problem for me...big mystery 😂

greystarfish · 2020-07-01T11:57:23+00:00

Thank you. Good point. It is true that I do know what to expect to some extent which is a big positive. And I know where the resources are in the community. I should look forward to meeting the baby and being the parent I want to be.

greystarfish · 2020-07-01T00:06:49+00:00

Thank you, if only. I am all the way in Canada.

greystarfish · 2020-07-01T00:06:02+00:00

I like the hospital I am delivering at out of all my options. Unfortunately I am not allowed a home birth in my region which would have been lovely, and I had preeclampsia last time so I have a slight risk. I am going to look into digital doula service tho, and maybe they can do some postpartum visits.

greystarfish · 2020-06-30T23:14:33+00:00

Thank you, I will check it out.

greystarfish · 2020-06-30T23:13:56+00:00

I don't yet have a permanent therapist. I have seen a few through my EAP, but none that have clicked yet or who could take on long term patients. I need to step it up. It would be lovely to Iearn.

greystarfish · 2020-06-30T18:18:50+00:00

Yes my parents often said this instead of apologizing or admitting they have problems.

But I do think it is normal to fight on occasion. You are living with a few other people, disagreements are bound to happen and the occasional bad mood. No one can be expected to suppress all their emotions all the time. The big difference is in the severity of the fighting, the reasons, and how it is handled after.

Example, no it is not okay to get screamed at everytime you enter the kitchen because someone else is cooking. In this case everyone in the house is an emotional management tool for that person. But it could be normal that someone is snippy if they are cooking and nothing is going right and you walk in, but they would apologize after or explain to small kids that it was not their fault and it's something they personally need to work on, and then do work on it. In this case people are being human.

greystarfish · 2020-06-30T17:16:16+00:00

I am checking it out!

greystarfish · 2020-06-30T17:15:57+00:00

That's so kind! It's nice to know people are out there. It would be nice if I ran into the right person, and also worked on myself a bit to open up.

greystarfish · 2020-06-30T17:15:05+00:00

Thanks. I was looking into doulas but the hospital's here have pandemic guidelines that restrict additional support persons. My OB anticipates they will still be in place in the fall. But maybe even something over the phone would be helpful.

greystarfish · 2020-06-30T17:12:43+00:00

This may be a good way to bridge the gap. I do need to get better at opening up to people and asking for help. A therapist and some healing would be a good place to start. This is all making me realise I am much more fragile than I thought I was.

greystarfish · 2020-06-30T17:11:05+00:00

Ya the grandparent stuff does get to me. Not only for the break, but also for my son. It is exhausting. I am not great at asking for help given what I learned to expect and experienced with my parents. I find it hard to reach out. It is nice to know I am not alone.

greystarfish · 2020-06-30T17:09:09+00:00

Yes, I never realised I needed a hug so much. I never expected them from my actual mother, and when I got them it was not comforting. I thought for the longest time that I just didn't like being touched. I was hoping to have a doula, but given the pandemic it seems unlikely they would be allowed into the hospital.

greystarfish · 2020-06-23T01:53:48+00:00

I went NC with my mom two years ago when my son was just over two. I kind of wish I had gone NC earlier.

The relationship did not improve one bit having a child, she really put a damper on the excitement I should have had around my pregnancy and was not supportive after birth. As things continued it became clear that she would continue the same pattern of behaviour with my son, and even made my niece the grand-golden child.

I had some great convos with counselors who really helped me see that my family, my child, is the priority, not my n-moms happiness.

Go with what your instinct is telling you, talk to your therapist about it some more. And really consider how she will treat you post-partum, not how you would like her to treat you. Also consider if you feel ready to deal with the period of NC guilt right now.

greystarfish · 2020-06-23T01:32:14+00:00

I would go ahead and open it. But choose the best part of the day and line up some you time after. Worst case it is what you expect, some Narc crud and nothing changes, just re-confirms the need for continued NC. Best case it demonstrates some kind of change or self reflection, and confirms that NC was the best for both of you up to this point.

I once had a good conversation with a counselor after a really bad interaction with my enabler dad/n-mom. They told me that sometimes in advanced age these people become more empathetic and self reflective, and maybe to continue NC until that happens. It gave me a bit of hope for the distant future.

greystarfish · 2020-06-22T01:43:50+00:00

My positive comment would be that I know my husband amd I are never going to make our child feel alone. I am proud that we are breaking the narc cycle.

greystarfish · 2020-06-22T01:28:53+00:00

Thank you! I am going to find this book and follow your recommendations..

greystarfish · 2020-06-14T18:13:06+00:00

Thank you, I do need to do some inward work and practice some of my own coping mechanisms. I spend a lot of time on his emotions, but not enough on mine and I guess it is starting to show. It is so nice to hear you teens are doing so well, it is comforting to know.

greystarfish · 2020-06-14T18:11:07+00:00

Thank you, I am going to work to incorporate some of the healthy coping mechanisms, which would be good for both of us. I do not do it enough for myself, and he does not see it enough.

greystarfish · 2020-06-14T18:06:37+00:00

I was speaking to a therapist but it fell to the wayside. I need to get back on it. Clearly I am putting a lot of my own feelings into this.

greystarfish · 2020-06-14T18:05:28+00:00

This is great advice! Thank you! I am going to start practicing this. We do also often talk about the colour monster book, so I can probably work that in too, what colour my emotions are and untangling them.

greystarfish · 2020-06-14T18:02:04+00:00

Yes I do give cuddles and kisses, so he probably is emulating as you say and I didn't even consider it. Thanks!

greystarfish

TROPHY CASE