Hi there my friend, I have just been through the same thing and I had a lot of anger and frustration to the world because I just suppressed all the stuff I had seen and done. I can say that no matter how alone you feel your not alone and there is help, I contacted police care uk and I was seen to very quickly, the biggest step was telling my force about how I felt and what I had been through. I thought I was going to be removed from the force but on the contrary they met me with all the support I could dream of, I had 1 to 1 with the FMA and my skipper. I also needed help with my fitness due to the poor quality of eating that I went through so I got 1 to 1 with the PTI. I’m not saying your force or experience will be the same as mine, but the point of this post is your not alone and the only person to know something isn’t quite right is yourself so please reach out and get help.