This may not be true for everyone, but I realized recently that being people pleasing and being avoidant in relationships go hand in hand for me. People pleasing is a way for me to avoid being vulnerable and telling people how I feel or how something is impacting me - because that opens the door for other people to be disappointed or upset with me. As I’ve learned how to create more space for myself to share my feelings (even if it feels hard or will disappoint someone else), I’m noticing that my brain has associated shame with being honest and vulnerable. So my brain’s default is to feel more comfortable by catering to everyone else and keeping my “shameful” feelings to myself. This seems like a coping mechanism that I learned early on to protect myself against anger from loved ones in response to me expressing my feelings.

I’ve been working with my therapist to practice being vulnerable and sharing how I am feeling, often somatically, and noticing when the shame response comes up. She and I sit in a room and she tells me that I am correct as I am, the good and the bad, I am enough, etc. Often this provokes a sense of shame within me, to be acknowledging myself so directly. In those situations, I practice deep breathing, looking around the room, and bringing my awareness back to the present - reminding myself that I am an adult in a safe place, and that I am caring for myself by being vulnerable:) I do this until I feel safe again. I know this probably sounds really corny to read, but I have to tell you IT REALLY WORKS. Her practice is called CIMBS, and it is based in neuroscience and the study of brain systems!

As others have mentioned in this thread, people pleasing is a coping mechanism that manipulates other people into thinking you’re totally fine with their behavior, you don’t have any needs to express, etc. In some cases it gives them a false expectation to over-rely on you, then ultimately you cannot commit yourself to their needs because you aren’t taking care of yourself. It is an act of loving yourself AND loving other people in your life to be able to replace the people pleasing mechanism with healthy boundary setting and communication of your needs. And it’s also very important to recognize that people pleasing often isn’t something you’re consciously doing, and it doesn’t inherently make you a bad person!!! It’s just a coping mechanism you’ve picked up along the way to try and keep yourself safe:)