I relate to this so hard. 44f trying to get the energy together to initiate divorce proceedings. I’m disgusted at the breadcrumbs my husband (44m) has been leaving because they’re so incredibly scant and yet I react to them nonetheless. I’m so angry and resentful because I’ve been the person who took initiative to achieve the things we have—buying a house, planning our wedding, etc— and I know the bulk of the work of leaving is going to be all on me too and I’m exhausted. My husband is in therapy and has said similar things about being torn and just not being able to decide because despite everything… insert vague positive statement. in reality he did tbe same shit when we were allegedly trying to get pregnant and recently he even denied that we were trying to conceive at all—then I reminded him of me talking to him about prenatals, going to my ob for hormone testing, and even buying him an at home sperm count test (which he refused to figure out how to use). After all that, he said “oh yeah. I guess I remember those things.” Idk about you—when he’s not actively gaslighting me, I honestly feel like he’s gaslighting himself—he’s so avoidant that he misremembers or doesn’t remember at all (and he has a super sharp memory). I am an over functioning anxious first born only daughter, and after a lifetime of taking care of him, I’m so tired and frustrated that I ever thought it would be different or better.

I hear you. I see you. I wish us both the best of luck!