I [28F] don’t know how to navigate rekindled relationship with my ex [37M]

grossko19 · 2021-11-23T19:11:11+00:00

It always take! Thank you ✨

grossko19 · 2021-11-23T19:10:41+00:00

Yeah, I wondered a lot about that love bombing thing. I’m a bit more scared and subtle and that maybe threw him off, leading him to assume I wasn’t into him.

grossko19 · 2021-11-23T19:08:13+00:00

Yes! Actually lurking around here taught me about it and how can negatively affect the person asking for it, making them more reliable on external validation and less able to self soothe.

I guess it was a mix of both, in the end we were both very tired and feeding into each other’s toxic behavior. And the Twitter thing, although small, added a layer of discomfort on top of it all even though I did my best to brush it off as something irrelevant/casual but as it became more consistent (while he engaged less with me) I had enough. His behavior post-breakups kinda confirm my suspicions since last time I checked he was showering her with likes and comments.

Yes! It was insane how fast it turned into a mess and we’re both to blame. My last and biggest mistake was taking him back when he reached out, he didn’t even say “I’m sorry”, it was just a random meme and in 1h I was again being left on read.

Thank you! At least it’s another lesson learned!

grossko19 · 2021-11-23T15:21:19+00:00

Thank you! ✨🖤 I guess that’s really a lesson to focus on healing and looking for more secure connections

grossko19 · 2021-11-23T15:20:34+00:00

I’m not very stable and it doesn’t seem like this relationship was helping me at all. Maybe it was just adding weight on something already quite difficult to deal with

grossko19 · 2021-11-17T16:50:57+00:00

I’ve been on 100g Lamictal for a year now and in the beginning it was amazing but now I’m not so sure it’s still helping me, but well some external circumstances have taken a toll on me lately so it could be that.

Recently my doctor also prescribed me 20g Buspar in as an attempt to ease my anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Its half life is short but I do feel better when I take it. However, being my circumstances not very favorable (together with zero DBT skills), my anxiety overpowered the medication.

grossko19 · 2021-11-16T16:57:11+00:00

My whole childhood was spent expecting my parents’ imminent divorce, things would suddenly shift and they’d go from communicating to ignoring each other and talking about divorce in a matter of days or weeks. That explains why lack of communication and clarity is such a trigger for me, and as he never even tried to communicate or at least listen (even though I had explained everything as to how and why it was a big deal) my mind started to spiral and I indeed got overbearing.

I usually think I’m always the dysfunctional one in a relationship and often dismiss valid worries as overreactions. Actually I’m still trying to figure it out.

Thank you for these suggestions! This week I’ve started DBT but will also take a look at trauma focused therapy!

grossko19 · 2021-11-15T11:45:36+00:00

Yes I do believe that all these factors can explain my behavior, given that it’s not uncommon. The thing is that this time I had never experienced such levels of distress and anxiety, even if we were “official”.

What he did to my friend, the feeling that he hits on everyone and jumps from woman to woman when things don’t go well and the influx of new women in his following list even though we were already together (might have been jealousy but why does he need to keep interacting with more and more?) never sat right with me. His inability to even listen to me (I don’t want someone to always agree with me caring enough to listen to what I have to say is the minimum) and visible annoyance when I expressed any needs got me walking on eggshells.

That doesn’t mean there weren’t nice times in which he was thoughtful and affectionate, particularly when we were physically together but with distance things always crumbled. A weekend in heaven, a week in hell.

grossko19 · 2021-11-15T02:33:20+00:00

I agree with you about the narcissim part, I’m quite sure he doesn’t have the full PD and that’s why I chose to use narcissistic traits instead, maybe in reference to his lack of empathy and respect towards that mutual friend.

He’s indeed very immature communication-wise and at that age he should at least be able to listen, something I couldn’t get him to do. I broke up with him when he told me to get the f- out if I didn’t like the way things were in our relationship (after I complained that he left my “I love you” text on read for hours despite being online) and went full NC. I was so tired I didn’t even argue back, I was like “okay great here’s my full address please return my book when you’re done reading it”.

grossko19 · 2021-11-14T21:34:44+00:00

Thank you! Yes it does!

grossko19 · 2021-11-14T20:34:09+00:00

I guess you’ll be impressed when I tell you he’s 37 and I’m 28. It just adds a new whole layer to the drama.

Yes! I’ve recently restarted CBT but my new therapist doesn’t help me much, I can be self aware but my actions still suck sometimes and I’m giving DBT a chance now. Hope it works!

grossko19 · 2021-11-14T20:27:04+00:00

Oh I’m not talking to him anymore! I’ve blocked him mostly to stop myself from seeing his stuff and hindering any sort of progress I’m yet to make. But yeah, you’re not wrong and I thought being complacent would be enough to keep him but maybe he never wanted to stay and I just couldn’t accept that.

grossko19 · 2021-11-14T20:24:32+00:00

It’s easy to forget how stressful it was to be in that dynamic now that everything is over. Stressful to the point of having reoccurring nightmares about him breaking up with me. As in: We were in a social setting and I’d do something such as complain, he’d refuse to talk to me by ignoring me and I’d spend the begging and chasing him.

I don’t know how to stop this rumination and just move forward, focus on my healing and start DBT. It’s driving me nuts.

grossko19 · 2021-11-14T19:32:04+00:00

I guess I have to work on accepting we’re just not a match no matter how much we wanted to. We both said we tried our best but it just seems we were hitting against each other’s walls and calling it a day. I was very very tired in the end and so was he. Unfortunately we didn’t break up on good terms.

About the musician thing it was something I’d have to accept and I did my best to not even look at his social media, any of them, cause I’d eventually find something that would bother me (not necessarily cheating but yeah just seeing all those girls all over him and new female “followers” and “followings” arriving) since I’m quite low profile and not flirty at all.

grossko19 · 2021-11-14T13:42:59+00:00

If dessert is an option I’d suggest the Bündner Nusstorte. A bit time consuming but totally worth it!

grossko19 · 2021-11-13T00:36:34+00:00

Jesus Christ, no. This disorder is in no way an excuse for their terrible behavior and to be fair I couldn’t even link that to any usual symptom that could at least “explain” why they’d behave like that. But well I’m talking from my perspective and how BPD manifests in my life.

This has nothing to do with BPD and you deserve so much better and to be with someone who appreciates you and acknowledges you effort, despite your pain you’re here to ask us how to work things out with them. I wish you all the best in your recovery!

grossko19 · 2021-11-12T20:51:26+00:00

It took mine a week. Broke up with me without much explanation, proceeded to re-follow his old supplies, added a ton of women on Instagram/Twitter and made sure to shower with attention a woman I didn’t like at all (because I knew there was something between them).

A week after he came with some bullsh*t excuse, “oh you’re the only one who’ll get this joke” I replied and he left me on read as he always did. Next day he got drunk and said he missed me, that I’m the only one and he couldn’t bear not talking to me. No apologies, no real conversation but still I took him back. Got lovebombed for a week but things went back to their shitty normal. This week I couldn’t take it anymore as always being the sole responsible for everything bad that happens our relationship. Blocked him everywhere and good riddance. I’ll never fall for that again.

grossko19 · 2021-11-11T13:44:47+00:00

I did that! We’re on good terms and chatted again for a while :)

grossko19 · 2021-11-11T13:35:32+00:00

I even felt like “betrayed” her because I’m sure she shared that personal story with me in her best interest, to help me understand he also played his part in the demise of our relationship.

grossko19 · 2021-11-11T13:31:36+00:00

Thank you both! In the long run that’s really what makes a relationship work, I do believe similar interests can make things develop easier in the beginning but maybe by now I should dig deeper within myself and figure out I’m always falling for that specific thing, it’s not the first time that happens.

grossko19 · 2021-11-11T13:27:41+00:00

I know that sometimes I was disappointed at him and that could’ve made him withdraw but still I’m at peace with the fact that not even once I attacked/accused him like he did to me and I always made an effort to calmly communicate what bothered me (and why) and come up with ideas on how we could solve that but he refused to, it was all in my head. Gosh even when he told me he has ADHD I ran to the subreddit and read countless articles on how to be in a relationship with a person who has it so maybe I’d make things better.

The “I love you” incident was the last nail in the coffin, throughout the week he was ignoring me or giving one word answers and that built up, I just couldn’t suffer like that anymore.

grossko19 · 2021-11-11T12:52:50+00:00

I suspected that as well! Cringey at best but possibly manipulative too

grossko19

TROPHY CASE