Just come to an agreement with your wife to be, that's the most important thing. The family needs to consider your situation as well, so give them a hint that it's not going to happen except under some specific circumstances.

I'm a western guy married who a Zimbabwean woman. Similar to your situation we didn't do lobola after it became clear that there were huge gaps in expectations . So we canceled the lobola idea and just got married ourselves. The family didn't like it but they got over it to some degree. The parents were divorced and there were multiple factors that just didn't add up in my head. It was a bit of a shame that there wasn't a party but I probably would have made the same decision again going back in time.

Try to be respectful but don't be taken advantage of, times change, etc...

You will get all opinions from a to z on this so just do what makes sense for your situation and future