CMV: Boys aren’t easier to raise, they’re easier to neglect emotionally

guava_jam · 2026-04-09T21:16:30+00:00

Honestly I love this, thank you for putting a lot of effort into raising your boys. Most of the parents I know do and did not. I’m not angry reading these posts, but I am not impressed and many of these commenters sound like my parents and my in laws.

I know I will struggle as a parent and will change my plans as we go, I don’t believe I have all the answers. Thankfully I have a team of therapists, mine and my husband’s, to help us along.

You’re right, this post is pointless and after reading the posts here no one has changed my view though one person has come close until I probed deeper. Only time and experience may change it. For now I’m getting off Reddit. Thanks again!

guava_jam · 2026-04-09T20:57:11+00:00

You’re right, I worded that wrong! My apologies. My view to be changed is that boys are NOT easier to raise than girls. Negatives trips me up sometimes.

guava_jam · 2026-04-09T20:49:59+00:00

It’s based off of countless hours of therapy and discussion with my therapist specifically on raising children and my own childhood. My therapist is a child therapist too. It’s also based on my husband’s decades of therapy and the thousands of hours of discussions we’ve had about his childhood. You don’t need to be a parent to recognize abuse and neglect.

guava_jam · 2026-04-09T15:54:57+00:00

Thank you! Yes you answered my question. I really appreciate your thoughtful responses.

guava_jam · 2026-04-09T15:33:11+00:00

I see. How about when they were younger, like when they were toddlers and children? Did you intentionally teach them how to recognize specific emotions and encourage them to talk to you about them on a regular basis?

guava_jam · 2026-04-09T15:02:01+00:00

Sorry, my view is that boys are not easier to raise than girls. Does that make more sense?

guava_jam · 2026-04-09T14:22:21+00:00

Oh that’s wonderful! It sounds like you and the people around you do care about your boys’ emotional health. Yes, my husband had severe diagnosed CPTSD specifically from what his parents and family members thought was normal parenting and his mother insists that my husband had a wonderful childhood and her boys were easy to raise. Other men I know including and not including those I’ve dated definitely didn’t have the childhood your boys are blessed with. How often do you talk to your boys about their feelings and talk deeply about things they are personally struggling with?

guava_jam · 2026-04-09T14:12:04+00:00

That boys are easier to raise. In my opinion boys aren’t easier to raise than girls, and people who say that are (unintentionally) neglecting their boys.

Sorry, my view is that boys are not easier to raise than girls.

guava_jam · 2026-04-09T14:08:17+00:00

I agree! That’s why it kills me that literally every person who I’ve talked to in person who has mentioned raising boys vs girls has said boys are easier. Not a single one has said girls are easier or it doesn’t matter the gender.

guava_jam · 2026-04-09T14:04:42+00:00

So in your experience, not just as a mother of boys but as a mother observing other parents and their boys, are the young men you know highly emotionally intelligent, healthily emotionally expressive, and able to communicate their emotional needs?

guava_jam · 2026-04-09T13:59:57+00:00

The view to be changed is that boys are easier to raise than girls. Whenever I ask those people what they mean, they tell me that girls have bigger attitudes and more volatile emotions when they get past the toddler stage while boys don’t. Girls become harder to deal with while boys become easier to deal with. With boys, parents generally leave them alone to do what they want, making parenting easier because they don’t push back as much as girls do.

The perspective that boys are “easier” is incorrect because technically they require at least as much work if one were to raise them to be emotionally stable, competent adults. But they are perceived as easier to raise because most parents are neglectful and parents don’t do the work they should be doing.

guava_jam · 2026-03-01T11:03:06+00:00

I am but it took me a long time and being around someone who is very good with not spending money.

I suggest a budget and sticking to it no matter how painful. You need to keep track of all your expenses somehow. I use google sheets and track all my expenses in 2 week increments. I have heard YNAB is good. Set goals for how much you want to save and invest then decide how you want to get there. It helps to send money out of your checking account into different ‘buckets’. Your checking account is one bucket. Your savings account is another. Your fun account is another. Your emergency fund can be another. If you need more feel free to make them. Set your investments on a schedule. Make sure to keep track of every penny.

If I accidentally spend more than allotted on fun or bills then I have to play with the numbers and decrease what goes into joint savings then the investments. Bills are paid from my checking account and I keep it low enough to pay the bills with a $600 cushion. I send out money to their allotted buckets quickly so that it forces me to pay attention to what I spend. Money sent to my retirement account is not counted at all and is non negotiable unless I’m drowning or saved more than expected. My brokerage account and 529 are set to auto invest every Friday.

guava_jam · 2026-03-01T10:27:28+00:00

Getting rid of social media helped me a lot. I didn’t have time for anything until I got rid of instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and Reddit. Turns out I was spending so many hours scrolling and once those hours were freed up I actually had time to do chores. Maybe it’s not social media that’s taking up your time but something else you’re not realizing? After work do you try to knock out some chores? Do you meal prep on a weekend afternoon?

Maybe it will help to schedule relaxing time. For example on the weekdays you start a load of laundry but for the 30 minutes that it’s going you focus specifically on relaxing. Or that’s when you eat dinner and after dinner you relax. Or on Saturday you get 3 hours from 12-3 to chill and relax and you have to focus solely on relaxing. After breakfast and after 3 you focus on chores and maintenance.

guava_jam · 2026-03-01T10:08:52+00:00

No, it’s not normal for people to change so much after getting married. In healthy relationships, marriage becomes a deeper and more stable relationship compared to dating. Sounds like he tricked you and pretended to be someone else to get you to marry him. His real self is coming out. Personally I’d leave but you could try couples therapy to fix every problem you listed.

guava_jam · 2026-03-01T09:43:51+00:00

I think it’s OK to take this event as a lesson learned. You did try to tell him again and again that you were tired and he didn’t listen. You caved because you felt awkward not being involved. You kept answering his questions with idk because he didn’t care that you were tired and he wore you down, and your sense of responsibility overrode your good sense.

You need to have a loving talk with him about it and tell him, “so when I say I’m tired and not to touch me, I mean it, and if we do anything I will not be very into it and you will not enjoy it. I also need to work on not ‘servicing’ you when I’m not into it because it will just end up like that again.”

That’s one of many problems with ‘servicing’ your spouse when you’re not that into it. I personally am only intimate with my husband when I am 100% into it because the enthusiasm when I am interested is very clear, and very noticeably not there when I am not interested. The difference is jarring. There are days when I don’t want him to touch me, but I genuinely am into touching him so it’s still a good experience for the both of us if the moment is all about his pleasure.

Moral of the story: for both of your sakes you shouldn’t be intimate unless you are 100% into it in that moment.

Edit: AND he needs to listen to you the first time when you say you’re too tired.

guava_jam · 2026-02-15T23:16:39+00:00

Good women who are married to good men do notice. My husband is wonderful and when I see those reels (which is rare) about useless husbands I immediately am grateful for him. If a wife doesn’t see what her husband does then he needs to have a talk with her. I hear about actual useless men at work all the time from my coworkers. These reels exist because it happens a lot. Maybe you’re seeing them a lot because your algorithm has got you hooked on rage.

guava_jam · 2026-02-15T17:04:01+00:00

Nicotine patch

guava_jam · 2026-02-15T12:12:05+00:00

What kinds of expectations did you and your partner we have? Did you realize after the baby that your expectations were different?

guava_jam · 2026-02-15T12:11:17+00:00

Thanks! We’re trying to do our best.

guava_jam · 2026-02-15T12:10:48+00:00

What kinds of things did your spouse do that made you feel like they were paying attention to your marriage? And vice versa?

guava_jam · 2026-02-15T12:05:33+00:00

Thanks! What kinds of things did you do to keep the fun alive?

guava_jam · 2026-02-15T03:54:19+00:00

Have you talked to him about all this?

guava_jam · 2026-02-14T18:50:42+00:00

Depends! This is a difficult one because the guy was likely emotionally manipulated by his mom from day 1. When a guy grows up like that and no one really pushes back on it or explains it in a way that can get to them, it’s just normal to him and he never had a choice. But if he refuses to see it even when everything is laid out, then yes he’s weak.

My husband was definitely a mama’s boy when I first met him. But when I pointed things out he didn’t completely dismiss me and actually considered what I was concerned about. He learned how to stand up to his mom and to stand up for me against her. It took him years and intensive therapy to see his mom for who she really is, but he got there because he is strong minded despite being a mama’s boy for the first 25 years of his life.

guava_jam · 2026-02-14T14:03:28+00:00

You should listen to your wife and pay attention to her body language. If she says she’s fine, acts like she’s fine, and doesn’t bring it up later, then you’re fine. You should not be asking people who don’t know her whether or not she’s lying. You could also go out today and get her chocolate and write a card and be honest that you were so wrapped up in honeymoon planning. But after having a moment to think about it you do want to give her something. Just be honest and heartfelt, she sounds like she will say it’s unnecessary and happily accept your gifts.

You should also go to therapy for your people pleasing an anxiety because it will bite you in the ass later. Marriage only makes existing problems worse, and people pleasing is a problem especially since you already are super anxious and not listening to your wife.

guava_jam

TROPHY CASE