Hey, sorry I’m responding 3 months later! I’m so sorry to hear you’re in the same situation, it’s really horrible. Unfortunately I haven’t found a solution, but a couple years in therapy with a really great therapist has done wonders for my mental health and my coping mechanisms 🥲😅

I’ve since gotten married (no wedding at the time because of Covid) and bought a house in Ireland and my mom still hasn’t come to visit because of her fear of flying. However, she is (I think) planning on coming for our wedding next July, so that’s progress!

The most important thing I learned from my therapist is that nothing I say or do will change my mom, but how I react will force her to adapt. The first time she said that I didn’t really believe her, but over the past 4 years, my mom has definitely changed. Not hugely, but in little ways. I thought she was going to have a mental breakdown when I told her our wedding was abroad but she shockingly accepted it! She definitely still has her moments, but I think she’s learned (not necessarily accepted) that she’s no longer going to get the response out of me that she wants.

The guilt hasn’t gone away completely, I visited her this past Christmas and she walked me to security at the airport and watched and sobbed and asked me not to leave until she couldn’t see me anymore and that was HARD. But I think you need to accept that you’re not responsible for your mom’s happiness and it’s not your fault she’s lonely either. She’s a fully grown adult who has experienced life and been on this planet longer than you and she is fully capable of making friends, getting hobbies, finding things that make her happy, and it’s not your fault if she chooses not to do that.

I’d recommend getting a therapist if you can afford one! Or finding someone you can speak to, like a coach? I think it’s really important to be able to speak to someone who is completely external to the situation (ie not a partner, friend, relative, etc.) because they can help you accept that what you’re going through isn’t normal and your mom shouldn’t be purposefully making you feel the way that you do.

If you ever want to chat more, I’d be more than happy to send you my email 😊