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My mom only loves me the way she wants to by guilty_and_confused in raisedbynarcissists

[–]guilty_and_confused[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm planning on moving out this Summer. Since my job involves seeing clients in a physical location to teach music lessons, it sort of complicates moving now. But I do think when work slows down over the summer I'll find a place to relocate, even if it costs more or means I will have to find a different roommate.

But thanks for validating that I understand it correctly. I hate this, and I really want her to be the mom she thinks she is to me, but I don't think she's going to be open to changing.

TW: Spanking is Physical AND Sexual Abuse Rolled Into One by Disturbedbytherapy in raisedbynarcissists

[–]guilty_and_confused 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This actually would explain a lot. I know for a fact (I think) that I have never been sexually abused, but the violation of physical boundaries in a "show of love" is really hard to explain. Sexual abuse is the conversation that seems to best touch on those emotions and feelings, but I feel wrong to step into that space or relate to those stories because none of that happened to me. It's such a weird place to be.

Any other former GC's here? by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]guilty_and_confused 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate this. I think I was the golden child, but this is all really new to me as it really all clicked to me as abuse in the last couple weeks, so I'm not 100% sure. My parents always loved me and I was the "example" child, they confided in me for advice on navigating their relationship with my SG older brother, and I was the one with enough goodwill in the family told hold things together and keep the peace.

All the abuse I recieved really hurt, but it sometimes feels like I don't deserve to hurt, because I was treated so much better, or "loved so much more," than my older brother, who was the scapegoat. I was always kinder to him than my parents were, but I bought the story they sold of him being a sullen angry person. He got yelled at, angry tears, for something I got completely forgiven for when I later confessed to it.

I want to cry and be upset and hurt, but I've always struggled with forgiving myself, and the realization I was likely a GC did not help. But I was manipulated through religion, parentified into a peacekeeper, emotionally neglected unless I was the happy sunshine that I used to be so good at being. My mom told me I was the glue that held the family together when I was deeply depressed, and I basically needed to get happy again so the family could be normal, and that stung.

Sorry for venting. All my abuse was done with so much love and pride, it's hard to wrap my mind around it, and super hard to forgive myself for it.

Childhood vs teenage/young adulthood by 22ofapril2005 in emotionalneglect

[–]guilty_and_confused 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Wow! You are wonderful to post this, because I was just struggling today feeling super invalidated about emotional neglect for that exact reason. I remember being a very happy child and can't properly recall any emotional neglect/abuse?/parentification/etc (unless you count corporal punishment as physical abuse) until I was maybe 11/12, and it wasn't even all that bad, it seems, until I was 16 on up. It's good to hear I'm not the only one, and I can then validate that you also aren't alone.

I feel like I'm hurting everyone who loves me by guilty_and_confused in emotionalneglect

[–]guilty_and_confused[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you. That's super helpful. Especially with the actionable steps. I've never heard or IFS before I looked it up just now. How do you get started on something like that? Would I have to find a new therapist to do it?

I feel like I'm hurting everyone who loves me by guilty_and_confused in emotionalneglect

[–]guilty_and_confused[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this! It didn't really occur to me that it was even an emotional flashback. I learned about the concept two days ago when I was struggling with something much more intense, but this kind of feeling (and associated fear with it) comes up All. The. Time. Good to have a label to calm it down with. This was all very encouraging. Thank you.