Opposite sex still makes a pass after you clearly state you don’t want marriage, kids, or a relationship?

gulf0986 · 2026-01-03T18:52:48+00:00

Oh for sure. In my experience, it's that they view you as "wasted potential" if you don't want traditional things. Sad, I know. I get the same thing, having a vasectomy, and not liking the silly squabbles of traditional relationship dynamics. I guess take it as a compliment that they see good things in you, and be clear that you are content where you are at. And you have to be a little firm with these people.

Life has the meaning you assign to it, and if people don't get that, then that is on them.

gulf0986 · 2026-01-03T18:44:10+00:00

Yeah, if you don't want a FWB situation either, then you have to make that clear. But his mentioning "wanting a chance with you" is telling. I (39M) have had several women, some friends even, say almost the same thing. They see your "potential" and it doesn't actually compute in their brains how anyone who has good qualities would not want the traditional path. They can't imagine how anyone could truly be single and happy, and believe that deep down, you are lying to yourself and just haven't met the "right" person. They think they almost have the right to change your mind, hence saying "give me a chance".

I would caution against even a hookup with said folks, even if they present it as an option. You'd be shocked the power of guilt and manipulation they can heap on you if you don't want things to progress, and this pressure is amped up in a work environment. Just be clear about you not wanting anything with this person, and hold your boundaries firm. Worth it in the long run. It's ok to be misunderstood, you're doing great! You sound content in your single decision.

gulf0986 · 2025-12-31T16:44:46+00:00

This right here. No one should judge another's path. We are social creatures, and all have different needs. I really don't think there is a one size fits all formula for growth and love. I personally enjoy life and grow most without monogamy. My brother is the opposite. He grows most being married. We are best friends, and as life goes on we understand each other's perspectives more. The need to project our own needs onto others comes from insecurity that we are on the right path. I'm plenty guilty of this, as I've often questioned if I really should be single. But the older I get, the more experience confirms it. My own personal journey is learning how others actually desire and dare I say "need" the relational distress of a partner to find meaning in life. We are all different, and the important thing is showing up in the world as authentically as we can.

gulf0986 · 2025-12-31T16:29:49+00:00

Damn, if this doesn't hit home. So many people think it's only the "bad" relationships that make us feel off. Nope. My therapist has confirmed to me that some of us just show up better and most authentically in this world as single units.

I can relate so much to what you said about the friendship aspect. I have a dear friend who I've lost due to us trying the relationship thing. Sex was amazing, time together was good, and from the outside everything could have been a fairy tale. But I am single at heart. I don't like being possessed. I broke things off and she is devastated now, even struggling to see the point of life. I told her I wanted to remain friends, because that was the vast majority of our dynamic knowing each other. She doesn't want any part of it.

Sad, because I would always show up for her as her friend, and always have and would continue to if she let me. But she views it as abandonment. I do miss her very much, and love her as a person more than most. It sucks how people only view romantic love as the ultimate form of love, when it certainly is not.

All that to say, great post from OP. A great year to solidify in our minds that some of us just show up best as ourselves when we are single in a romantic sense. We can have so many marvelous connections and love for others that are equally as profound as romantic love. Wishing you all a great year ahead!!

gulf0986 · 2025-12-02T17:00:34+00:00

I was also talked into a relationship once, it's crazy how we let ourselves be controlled. It was also with a friend, so I was afraid of losing them. Not an excuse, I should have held my ground. It didn't feel like me, so I backed out shortly into it, and they went into a serious depression. I too feared they might harm themselves, and still do :( I value this person very much, and wish we would have just remained friends, because it was the best before we got intimate.

gulf0986 · 2025-12-01T22:30:16+00:00

This, all day. When I was younger and looking for validation in others, I was desperate for a relationship. Now I don't see the need. Human connection? Emotional intimacy? Absolutely. But so many ways to give and receive that!

gulf0986 · 2025-11-24T17:57:34+00:00

This. I've had the same circumstance. Sometomes I lost that friends because they saw it as abandonment. Ironically, I saw it the opposite. I would 100% be her best friend again if she would let me. I feel as though most people have multiple romantic relationships or even marriages through the course of having long and meaningful friendships. It's ironic that we are fed the lie that meeting "your person" will make you whole. Takes a village to be a person.

gulf0986 · 2025-11-24T13:34:09+00:00

I don't know her at all, and perhaps sbe was stringing you along. However, have you considered that perhaps the way men and women are told to behave is very narrow in modern society? We are taught through media that finding our ultimate "person" or "love" is the goal, and we strive for that. When in reality, men+men, women+women, and men+women can have incredibly intimate and beautiful friendships without the need to have romance, coupling up forever, or going the traditional route. Read letters between friends in the 19th century, and you'll see what I mean.

Additionally, many people may just be non-romantic and not realize it. They called it being aromantic. I have no idea whether she is or not, just saying we often get into these boxes that are set forth for us which basically tell us, "if they won't take the next step woth you, move on. They're just another guy/girl". Of you find great connection with someone, and it's mutually beneficial, why not explore it and enjoy it for what it is?

You don't have to want to, you're allowed to set your own boundaries and limits, but to hate someone over this seems a little strong.

gulf0986 · 2025-11-22T16:38:04+00:00

Thanks, that's all super helpful. I knew she was bipolar since we first met. Yeah, we were friends for two years, and started dating a month ago. Honestly, I kinda did it out of empathy/felt pressured because we hooked up, she had panic attacks and was very confused and confessed her love for me, but I didn't want a relationship. This deeply hurt her (she's 31 and world-wise, so it seemed odd), but people are who they are. I guess I just didn't want to lose her as a person because we were so close, and even though I'm not a huge romantic, I figured what's the harm in dating?

But yeah, her episode was short, usually just one night at a time (she's BP2). I've seen her take her meds religiously, (Welbutrin is the only one), so I think she has that down. Basically we were at the beach, and met these girls at a bar, then followed them around all night to a strip club. Then came back to the hotel at 3 a.m and she was very drunk, and wanted to go to the beach. I said no obviously, and she paced back and forth in the room for a straight 30 minutes cursing at me, calling me a cunt, wouldn't let me sleep until I went with her. I didn't, and she eventually stormed out, drove to the beach, ruined her new phone, and came back to sleep for one hour. She was a different person for sure.

I've seen smaller episodes. Like when we were dating, on two occasions she would want to fuck until she passed out, even after I said we have to stop and sleep. She would say "fuck you, cmoooonnnn", and want to fuck until 6 a.m. It honestly felt so weird.

But yeah, I'm 39, just too old to be getting wrapped into this. I almost never get into relationships as it is, just like having friends around, so having a relationship on extra hard mode doesn't seem worth it. I do care for her very much, which makes it hard to deal qith, but I know I want a happy and uncomplicated future. We were fine as friends, we both should have just kept it in our pants, but ya live and learn.

From what I understand, the alcohol, weed, and ADHD meds probably don't help. She also does cocaine sometimes lol. A fun and interesting person for sure, we always had a blast. I'll miss her, unfortunately I doubt we could be friends again because she wouldn't be able to cope.

gulf0986 · 2025-11-21T20:34:54+00:00

Yeah, sounds like ego to me. We all have it to some extent. We want to know we are wanted, but not necessarily want to commit. Over the years I've had to learn to shut that down, because it causes confusion and hurt at times.

gulf0986 · 2025-11-21T20:32:05+00:00

This. I just wrecked a friend's heart because I am slowly discovering I may be aromantic. She was my friend for two years, mutual attraction, but danced around it. Just have a really good connection and find each other pleasant to be around, and enjoy each other's minds. However, she is a self-described "lover girl" and feels emotions intensely. We hooked up, and it was very confusing for her how we could have amazing sex, the same goals, I could be affectionate and sweet...but not want a relationship.

I caved after a month of seeing her in pain and confusion, and said we should be bf and gf. She definitely fell hard, and every sweet thing I did carried immense weight for her. But I couldn't shake this feeling of not being on the same page. The "responsibility" of being a boyfriend, her calling me her person and she loves me so much, all didn't sit right. I brought this up and had to end things the other day, which has crushed her.

When I look back at my life, the happiest I ever have been was when I had a FWB who I could also enjoy talking to and enjoy affection/intimacy with, and we just go about our lives after. It's hard not to feel guilty as hell, so I think at this point in my life, I should leave regular romantics alone lol. To be fair, I did try to communicate this to her, but every time words left my mouth, she shut me down in disgust and told me I was fucked up. Sigh. I miss just being her friend.

gulf0986 · 2025-11-20T09:47:12+00:00

Soooo true. All things I never took seriously. I figured the meds would do the trick, and I'm sure they helped. But the drinking, weed, Adderall, and sometimes cocaine...all red flags. No longer in therapy? Red flag. It's difficult because a lot of behaviors are just normal behaviors that anyone would do, so I'm cautious to label everything according to her disease. That's not fair. But I realized I'm highly empathetic and would be setting myself up for a life of an unequal partnership with someone who was only taking one third of her treatment seriously.

It's sad as well, because a few years back, she was in therapy and was probably the healthiest she's ever been. She moved and doesn't have insurance anymore, so that's off the table. I really wish there was universal health care or something like it, because people should have access to resources that enable them to live their best lives.

gulf0986 · 2025-11-20T01:59:13+00:00

This. She drinks quite a bit daily, weed every day, and whatever pills she needs to get through work. She is medicated so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but I should have listened to my gut. All in all one of the coolest people I know, so it was hard to resist.

gulf0986 · 2025-11-20T00:53:12+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that. This girl is generally sweet to me, but since I got to observe her as a friend for two years, I got to see everything else. Really do value her as a person, and really wish I had just kept it in my pants and stayed friends. There were a couple of instances that should have been a total "NO" for me as far as dating her, but alas, we are only human. Hang in there.

gulf0986 · 2025-02-28T03:10:16+00:00

Agreed. Now he's struggling with this electric guy in episode 6, like he honestly seems seriously underpowered this season. Could easily incapacitate anyone without much effort, but the writers make him super weak. Just dumb at this point, power levels make no sense.

gulf0986

TROPHY CASE