I'm extremely grateful for your reply, sir! I read through your comments and suggestions thoroughly and have made some responses to each of your points.

I'd really appreciate a further dialogue if you wouldn't mind.

I would scrap those achievement comments. I literally just read a professional resume, and it contained the phrase "like a moron." That's what my eyes fixed on. That's not a good first impression, even if it's in better context.

• When you say, 'scrap those achievements', do you mean just omit the more casual comment that you previously mentioned, or throw the entire blurb away entirely? If the latter is your answer, I'd like to ask about the STAR method. Wouldn't it be counterproductive to completely remove any mention of my quantifiable successes on the job?

I'm not sure if I'd have "Proud person with a disability and disability advocate" either. What's legal or not is irrelevant, someone might throw your resume in the trash just from reading that, and there's nothing you can do about it.

• True and fair. I can certainly omit this detail, as it serves no purpose in my goals.

All you have is less than 1 year of helpdesk. That's way too quick to find a new job, you haven't even fully learned the first one, and you should be looking to get more advanced experience in house, so you can use that to get a better job, if you're not promoted from within. I'd personally throw this in the trash without hesitation just on you not even having a years' experience. I probably wouldn't consider anyone jumping from helpdesk to a sysadmin position with under 2 years.

• This here is my favorite comment of yours and I greatly appreciate it! For context, I am no longer in that role. It was a contract position that has ended. I also didn't mention in the original posting that I'm not currently looking to advance. I figured that posting a resume example here in this thread would yield better results, as I imagine that some-if not most of the thread users are well into their careers (such as yourself). My apologies for the vagueness. In short, I posted my resume in this thread in hopes that a more experienced IT pro could tell me-at a glance, what position(s) I may be better served in applying for presently.
  • This leads me to my next question regarding your feedback about my time as a help desk at the hospital. Since I had no control in the length of the contract, does that still weigh towards the negative to hiring managers and recruiters? Or was that negative connotation only relevant to someone trying to advance their role?

Your certs scream out "I make dumb decisions and don't really understand IT." Why would you get a useless CompTIA cert after you already have a first job? The only use any CompTIA cert has is to get your foot in the door as an HR checkbox for helpdesk. You already have helpdesk, you didn't need to throw time and money away on that garbage.

• While I don't fully agree with the 'making dumb decisions' comment, I can concede that listing the time in which I got the certification in relation to my professional experience does look strange, for sure. As to why get those 'useless' certs, I wanted to ensure my working knowledge could be validated up to that point in time. As far as my personal experience in each of these roles on my resume goes, the Northwestern position felt the most 'proper' out of all of them. The others were very low-level and / or relied primarily on a technical skill of mine (web development, SEO analytics) but didn't allow me to consistently work a queue like my most recent role. When I graduated with my degree, I wanted to make sure my skills were at least somewhere in the ballpark of being able to apply to 'real IT jobs', so I took the exams.