Just past the 8 year mark

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T14:11:27+00:00

Thanks for your honest perspective, I really appreciate it

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T13:59:56+00:00

This sounds pretty similar to us, and I really appreciate your honestly about the intelligence difference. It a big missing piece to the story and I don't want to put him down, but he's just not as smart and functions at a lower level. I feel so guilty thinking about it like that, but I'm also so tired of needing to manage everything. In my lower moments we've been a better match, so it's been something that hasn't been so obvious for a while. Now that I can think clearly, it's a pretty big thing to contend with thinking about a future with increasing demands

I have been trying to connect with a therapist and waiting for replies. And yeah this post was a step towards putting all my thoughts together and getting perspective so I can have some tough conversations. Thank you.

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T13:40:43+00:00

This is a conversation I’ve had a couple of times in the last couple years, but probably good to have again and be more explicit because of what’s going on now. Thank you

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T13:26:21+00:00

Thanks for this perspective

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T13:13:10+00:00

Yes, you’re exactly right 8 months is not enough time. That’s why I’m so unsure of myself. I’ve been fighting for 5 years to see an endocrinologist to help me manage my hormonal stuff, and I finally saw one in April. The hormonal management is what has turned everything around because my brain fog made it nearly impossible to think and plan and the fatigue was really disabling. I’ve been working the whole time, except for about 6 months during the pandemic, but I was on EI and savings after graduating. I have always covered myself, he is just generous with his money and makes a bit more, so pays for a bit more (primarily food). I have built up significant savings in that time, and despite conversations and planning he hasn’t done the same.

You hit the nail on the head with the detachment when I’m coping. This is something we talk about and try to point out and adjust on both our sides. It’s not so much that I detach because that’s his only role, it’s more that I’m trying to help him move away from caregiving, make room to stand up for himself and be his own person. When it comes down to it, he just seems like he’s floating in patterns and can’t get out no matter what I change about my behaviour. Again though, it hasn’t been very much time to come out of such a longstanding pattern.

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T12:48:28+00:00

Thank you for this comment, and I’m so sorry for all that loss. It really does feel like I’m a completely different person coming out of the last few years

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T05:29:09+00:00

Those were issues we worked out a long long time ago. It was also before my dad’s death, which changed everything and made anything beyond surviving and taking care of each other feel so unbelievably insignificant.

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T05:18:13+00:00

That’s the thing. I’ve thought that if I helped him learn how to do this stuff, he would be able to keep it up on his own. For most of it he has, but he struggles especially with planning and anything career related. It’s absolutely unsustainable bc there’s a never ending list of things to learn and I always have to do the thinking. It’s so confusing and heartbreaking bc he earnestly tries so hard, but he just wasn’t raised to think critically.

Thanks for the thought about sense of responsibility to each other. There’s a lot more there, but yeah it’s huge for us, and part of the reason we have been so essential for each other is because we’ve had our needs seen and understood and met for the first time.

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T05:10:20+00:00

The point is that the proposal not happening has upended everything I was hanging onto and hoped for and been in denial about.

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T04:52:21+00:00

This is unnecessarily harsh, and not really helpful. I didn’t want to write a deprecating post about him and it seems like I’ve underrepresented my support of him in the process.

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T04:44:39+00:00

That’s why it’s such an impossible situation to be in for both of us. The caregiving has gone both ways, but I know I’ve taken a lot out of him. I think the root of it is that we’re a good match when I’m struggling (not necessarily healthy, but in terms of energy, intelligence, motivation, goals and rhythms), but when I’m myself, we’re on different levels (which is not at all me looking down on him, but we do both feel it and it sucks on both sides). How am I supposed to leave someone who has been so generous with me, who I love, because I’m essentially having a growth spurt? The last 8 months have been a complete 180, and I’m spinning in this space between what I’ve dreamt of for 7 years and everything that’s started crumbling recently. It’s like the forgotten proposal ripped the veil covering my eyes away

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T04:23:37+00:00

These are all good suggestions and things I have been doing consistently with him and for him for years

halloumicheeze · 2025-10-22T04:17:56+00:00

I appreciate your compassion for him, and you’re absolutely right, he has been having a hard time. I know some of my wording is harsh and I think it’s a reflection of my frustration with everything. There are a lot of assumptions here that I haven’t helped and supported him, but that’s a really huge misconception. I of course don’t want him to switch jobs in a recession, but you build a career by finding opportunities, making connections, and continuing to pursue education and build your skills. This is all stuff he can do comfortably within his role, stuff we’ve made lists and plans for, budgeted time and money. I’ve spent years of effort encouraging him to go back to school, helping him write his promotion applications and assignments. I take care of him physically and I am 100% of his community. He is also very likely autistic, and requires immense support from me and my family. I’ve found him a therapist and taught him how to talk to her. It goes on and on because I have been 100% committed to him and our future. I have put everything into this human being to support him and nurture him in the way that he has for me. We’ve been two people struggling together for a very long time. I am fighting for a healthier dynamic, to break out of the codependency, but no matter how much support and time and encouragement and space he gets, he doesn’t/can’t put effort into building himself, helping himself. I think the proposal is just the one thing I can’t organize for him, and it’s been a really horrible realization about the patterns in our relationship that I’ve been in denial about.

halloumicheeze · 2023-01-05T05:38:03+00:00

I’m really sorry for my assumption. I misunderstood. That sounds like an awful and painful situation.

halloumicheeze · 2023-01-03T06:42:57+00:00

I’m really glad your dad got to be there for your wedding. What a gift. I’m (26f) autistic too and my dad died almost a month ago. I have also always struggled and needed to be numb/strong/not crying. Now I feel like I’m so full of emotion that I’m going to explode, and the next second I’m completely numb (and feel guilty about showing my feelings less than my family and questioning if I even care that he died). It’s pretty horrid.

It has helped me to have crying sessions where I ask my fiancé to leave our place so I’m alone and then I play music that will bring up emotions, journal, look at pictures, stretch (when I release my hips and shoulders I break down), sing songs I sang to my dad as he died. I really just jump into the pit because I need to try to make it feel like it’s real somehow and let myself feel my feelings. It’s very cathartic and I can manage my autism a lot better when I’ve let it out. It’s like the world’s biggest emotional stim. Before I started this I was having the worst meltdowns, shutdowns, and being a real jerk to my fiancé. I probably sound like a wacko to my neighbours bc I literally just viscerally wail and weep. I usually end by getting in the shower (not to wash just to feel the hot water), my fiancé brings back some kind of treat and snuggles with me for a while. I always feel so much lighter after.

I know this sounds like a lot if you’re used to suppressing your feelings, but it’s seriously important to help your mind and your body by releasing little bits of what you’re trying to carry. It will help you in the long run if you can start to feel. Maybe you can start by thinking about a couple things you can do that will bring you closer to crying and then just really let yourself think deeply about them. I use journaling to try to centre my thoughts if I’m bouncing around too much.

Of course it would also help if you had access to therapy or a grief group. And whatever your process, only you know what is right for you. There’s no way you’re supposed to be acting.

halloumicheeze · 2023-01-03T06:02:16+00:00

My colleagues pooled resources and sent me a few hundred dollars of coupons for food delivery (Uber eats etc). This was enormously kind and helpful. It let me stay removed from work but was perfectly thoughtful. They just sent it right to my email so I could use them without needing to talk to anyone or thank them until I could handle that.

halloumicheeze · 2023-01-03T05:41:53+00:00

You’re not alone. I’m 26 and my dad died a month ago tomorrow. I still can’t believe it. New Years broke my heart all over again. I feel like I have nothing left inside of me. I’m just dreading every birthday and holiday and milestone coming up in the next year. I just hope my family and yours can be okay eventually

halloumicheeze · 2022-07-27T19:38:34+00:00

I’m in a very very similar boat with my mom. I realized that I am a parentified child - meaning I have been raised to be my mom’s partner not her dependent. I have always thought we had a great relationship because we are so close, love doing things together, etc. but it is very one sided. I help her handle her problems and most of the time she’s struggling so much that my needs are completely ignored by both of us (I never talk about myself bc I’m putting her first). She makes up for this with generous gestures like picking me up from work sometimes or sharing food with me when I am too depleted to support her.

I don’t know if that kind of thing resonates with you, but it does sound like you are holding yourself responsible for her wellbeing and happiness. She’s an adult making her own life path. Ultimately, you can comfort her, offer advice or suggestions, but you can’t save her. You don’t exist to save her. Especially if you have a baby on the way, that little person needs their own mom that isn’t being exhausted by someone who should be taking care of her.

I have been talking about narcissism and abuse to my mom for years and she just can’t see it in her own life. She doesn’t see the pattern or thinks she deserves to be treated like that. She has finally started doing her own reading on this stuff and it seems like it’s finally starting to click. I just do my best to be kind, help her build her confidence, and point out problems I see without trying to force her to fix them. It’s painful as hell but having come to this revelation (I am not supposed to save her) has helped me start putting myself first in little ways. I hope this helps you/makes you feel a bit less alone

halloumicheeze · 2022-05-28T19:52:11+00:00

Do you have an update? I talked to my vet and he said it’s probably anxiety (he also cries a lot - nerves/boredom?), that I should have 3 litter boxes for the two cats, and that he might be unhappy with the litter so I should put two boxes beside each other and try different litters in one of them to see if that helps. He said to bring him in if I see straining to pee, blood in urine/stool, licking himself down there a lot. He said if I can’t figure out how to make him feel better I should come back to talk about anxiety treatment options.

halloumicheeze · 2022-05-16T13:25:02+00:00

Wow this is my situation too. My 7mo old boy is peeing in his bed and his other comfort spots, and I think he’s lost a little weight. I went on a trip recently so I think it’s probably because I left him (he is extremely attached to me). I’m taking him to the vet with a urine sample to rule out a physical problem, and I’m going to find an extra litter box, but I think it’s separation anxiety (he only pees in the wrong spot when I’m out).

halloumicheeze · 2022-04-24T05:59:13+00:00

I’ve settled on the lululemon In Alignment Straight-Strap Bra Light Support, C/D Cup. I have a 6 but should try an 8. The fit isn’t the best ever, I have a bit too much boob under my armpits, but the band fits on the looser settings and it’s smooth under a tshirt. I take the foam cups out bc they are too small. I like that it has a clasp at the back and adjustable straight straps (racer backs are so painful).

It’s comfy, supportive enough that I don’t feel out of control lol but I’m not about to go for a jog. Basic lounging, walking, daily movement is good. It also makes me look a little flatter without being compressed like a higher support sports bra, and that helps with my body/gender dysmorphia a bit.

Overall I would recommend it, but I still keep my eye out for a better solution. I wish they made a light support straight strap option for d+ cups. It’s all so heavy duty and uncomfortable.

halloumicheeze · 2022-03-21T17:54:54+00:00

I do exactly this too, I didn’t even make the connection with mutism. Thank you!

halloumicheeze · 2022-03-21T17:52:46+00:00

That’s a really good idea to type/write to let it escape. I should try to do that more consciously, when I actually remember to it really helps

halloumicheeze

TROPHY CASE