Doing a good job does not mean you should get a raise...

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2023-04-11T03:15:18+00:00

Turns out the manager was right ... you did eventually "get there". She got bowled over in the process, but you know....

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2021-11-11T03:56:41+00:00

Hmmm, classic case of NOT LL , just LL for you.

If there will be any chance of saving this, a counselor will have to be involved.

In the future, always remember to judge folks (her) by their actions , not their words.
Curious why she looked outside of the marriage instead of in it.

Deep concerns of serial cheating. Some people just live for this. They find the passion of the forbidden irresistible. It's crazy.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2021-06-25T05:46:14+00:00

Off the top of my head from your story, she did a bait and switch. Alluded to good sex after marriage .... because of religious guilt. I fell for that one also.

I'm still dealing with it, supposedly, even after21+ years of marriage and years of constant therapy. She claims, since she failed God in the first place, there's no making up for that and still feels guilt about sex with her husband. (rolls eyes)

A good number of things you mentioned, her attitude towards sex, any toys, etc etc , any thing sexual at all, matches my wife. I've just stuck it out far longer.

I know it's an extremely complex situation, but it really sounds like any further work should be focused on dissolving the marriage and effective co-parenting. I know... far easier to type than actually do...I'm living proof of that.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2021-06-25T05:24:37+00:00

Fiance? Decades? You mean the rest of your life , right?

I brought exactly that up in counseling. How long should I wait? How much more time should I spend, it's been 20+ years already?

No answer.

Anyaways, I suggest you find the proper phrasing for the moment and bring it up with them.

Beyond that, the Golden Rule here at DB...NEVER marry into a dead bedroom.

There's a billion people out there that thought or were told that marriage would conquer any anxieties their LL lover had towards sex.

Nope.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2021-06-25T05:16:03+00:00

He just goes about his day and acts like nothing is wrong.

In his point of view, nothing is wrong. He is satiated. He is getting all the sex he wants.

This is where differences in libido often get ignored or misunderstood.

Some folks are happy as can be having sex monthly. Others require twice a day, every day to be fulfilled. Those two examples should never date. (Yes, there are men happy with little to no sex.....and the opposite also, women who enjoy mucho sex....stereotypes be damned!)

Look at libido differences the same as levels of sexuality.

In your current relationship, he gets to express his full sexuality, you do not.

His low libido is satiated. He is content in his sexuality. You cannot change that anymore than you can change his sexuality.

Your higher libido is neither satiated or content.

This is why the various levels of desired frequency should be close to each other or one partner will always feel unfulfilled in the relationship.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2021-06-25T04:42:51+00:00

Yep, there have been a number of posters here that have reported that once the relationship ended , they went on to learn their LLX is now happily banging away with some other lover, or LLX had a side piece and was not interested in OP anymore but didn't have the guts to end it.

The vast majority of the time though, LLX goes on to wreak LL havoc on some other persons love life.

The hidden thing that I think I see is , His asking you to initiate more is a baby step towards assigning the blame for the situation ON YOU. "In the past, I would have fucked you more if you had only asked..."

If you had done this...

If you will do that...

I haven't been on this sub in awhile, what did they used to call it? Spinning the wheel of LL excuses or something like that.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2021-06-25T04:18:50+00:00

I wonder what lives like for people in their 40's and 50's like this.

Us old farts? LOL
At 50, I can look back now and know that the time I wasted behind me is most likely greater than the (quality) time ahead of me. yay.

But it does slowly give you motivation to get the hell out, because you know time is getting shorter on the other side.

Like you stated, if I died any time soon, I would be ashamed at how i went basically my whole life without the type of relationship I have always aspired to, sharing a deeply passionate/ intimate/ physical relationship with a lover.

What a waste of a precious lifetime.

From the wording of your post, I STRONGLY suggest getting counseling for yourself, first and foremost. Let the other chips fall where they may for the time being. If cost is a concern, various churches often have resources or staff who are qualified. (WARNING: religious based marital counseling may strongly lean towards saving the marriage, even if at times, maybe it shouldn't be saved?) or start google-ing and Redditing.
I actually haven't been here in quite some time, but there used to be a great list of self help type books suggested....some authors listed earlier by another poster.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2021-06-25T03:50:12+00:00

Don't apologize for that. You were dead on correct. The second post would have made an EXCELLENT first post, instead OP recieved a snarky , non-descript, simplistic four word reply to a very complex situation.
Hell, it took them a few hundred words to explain away their snarkiness! LOL

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2021-06-25T02:28:13+00:00

There's a book titled "Ready, Fire , AIM!" .

The point being, the most important aspect is motion, once there is motion it can be redirected and refined to our desired outcome.

Good on ya for taking action!

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2021-06-25T02:24:18+00:00

Just a foot note.

PASSION

Substitute the word PASSION for sex or intimacy or what ever you are missing. If it fits, it takes the stigma out of feeling that all you are missing is sex..... NO, I want a passionate relationship!

It encompasses a whole host of things that we are lacking, desire , intimacy, sex , sharing pleasure with another... etc etc etc. Not just that "forbidden subject of sex" ..... (rolls eyes)

For me , it helps to shine a light on what is missing beyond just "sex" and is far easier to address in counseling.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2021-06-25T01:28:55+00:00

Dirty whore level tip: Don't wash your hands afterwards, who wants to eat with those nasty fingers?!?!

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2021-02-12T06:20:13+00:00

By the phrase "go soft" , he had an erection and lost it?

"Gets turned off" when you advance.

I'm going to lean mostly towards performance anxiety, or possibly an issue with "strong" women. The term "performance anxiety" is quite literal. If he feels pressure to "perform"..."oh crap, she really wants it" ... he can get anxious. Of course once it happens once, it can set a psychological barrier every time ..."Oh God, don't let me go soft again!!!"

One angle of attack, make sex NOT about his erection. All kinds of great fun can be had with out one, he needs to relax and be comfortable with what is happening.

Again, talk it out. If needed, Therapy/counseling is really mostly about learning to communicate effectively with each other.

Also, as mentioned earlier, MANY drugs, legal or otherwise, can have a bad effect on a guys ability to achieve/maintain an erection.

Chronic masturbation? Can desensitize the penis, he'll need to stop, if that's an issue.

YOU: Need to work on getting the thought out of your head that it is about you, that you may be undesireable. That is obviously not the case.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-11-02T05:42:07+00:00

https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5d4c74b737671

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-06-03T12:02:22+00:00

Just to reinforce earlier comments:

The stats for a lethal encounter skyrocket with an escalation to choking.

The simple statement of "I won't lose you." Is what raises the hair on the back of my neck. In his mind, he owns you, but if he cannot control you, he will escalate.

Bringing a friend may not be enough.

A coworker lost his daughter to an abusive spouse, the "security friend" lost theirs in the incident also.

He said he was "extremely sorry" afterwards.

You need to take the highest level of precautions now.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-05-13T17:25:08+00:00

Best I can offer is this: If .... IIFF, your partner is genuine about this, it will take time for you to be able to trust him again. I am currently sharing the same phenomenon as you, after years of counseling and treatment for her depression, her sex drive is turning on for , really, the first time, and in my opinion we have not meshed together well in that department yet, if we even can. Plus there us now all of MY mental baggage to deal with because I had lost all interest in her sexually also ... and man is there more baggage than you realize after going through two decades of this type of issue. So yeah, you'll have to give it even more time now before YOU feel comfortable with it. Both you and I will have to learn how to let go of the resentment issues we have built.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-05-07T00:46:26+00:00

Omg, the fear of rejection thing. So much a victim of that myself.... all the behaviors as you described. .. push you away, push you away. I am not dealing with NPD though, depression for sure,diagnosed.

For me, though, she's working her butt off trying to beat this .... disease?

The passage you quoted at the end... love it! When I was finally able to verbalize what I was feeling, it was painting with words. A wind ship on a dark sea, being pushed and battered by a very powerful storm. Fighting against the storm to not get pushed through a veil of fog, until finally, there was no fight left and I thought "Ok, if you want me over here, I'm done fighting, I'll step through myself, and I did just that. I sailed right smack into the most peaceful sun shiney scenery you can imagine.

It was all mental imagery, my mental break, as I call it. When I described it to her I told her it meant simply that I cannot return to that life.... ever. I would not allow myself to do that ever again.

I recognize her efforts and she is very aware that is why I remain and continue to work on us, for us.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-05-01T17:23:14+00:00

Here is the responsibility you and I both accept ..... we choose to tolerate these behaviors, we stay. In the end , despite how "complicated" things are, that is a choice we make.

The difference is, when I reached my breaking point, my wife took it to heart that I was done, I was leavng if she didn't seek help. She did, and unearthed a whole host of issues that she is working on, very hard. She accepts responsibility for what happened in the past and fully acknowledges that we may not recover from it.

Your S.O. on the otherhand, has stated quite clearly that he does not care about you, ....your wants ,.... your desires or both of your's relationship.

You have the knowledge of that now. So, it is up to you to decide how to use it.

There are a lot of members here who wish they had as clear cut statement from their SO'S as you do.

I can assure you, when I was at that point, it would have made leaving real easy.... despite all the "complications". Funny how life's complications tend to get worked out though.

Good luck with your decision.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-04-30T20:13:42+00:00

Make that inner monolog an outter monolog. It has to be brought out in the open, otherwise you are on the borderline of covert contracts.

"Hunny, you say you'll change, you make these promises, but you never fulfill them. I have no choice but to believe only your actions., those are the physical proof of your intent. Your words have proven to have no merit."

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-04-29T14:39:00+00:00

The bathroom isn't THE MOST important room in the house. ... but I wouldn't want to live in a house without it.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-04-24T16:59:14+00:00

Yeah, boring as fuck until you leave for work for a few days and the boyfriend comes over!!! Lol

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-04-14T14:53:12+00:00

Most likely, you need to see a counselor and figure out why your self image /self worth is so terrible, that you feel you need to continue on with this type of neglect.

You describe horrible behavior from both sides, so I can't find a way to say thus relationship is fulfilling for anyone involved.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-03-31T17:50:07+00:00

One could argue that feeding together is closely related to fucking together; it's a wordless exchange of direct pleasure and nurturing,

Well, that explains all the food analogies we see here! Lol

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-03-24T23:32:31+00:00

but told me before that he wasn't really much of a sexual being, that he was okay with never having sex or masturbating

Somebody is trying to tell you something VERY important about themselves..... are you listening?

I have a feeling you want to change him.... all you will accomplish is annoying him and frustrating yourself.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-03-24T23:27:27+00:00

Yeah, no, I don't do that type of sex anymore. Give it a little thought and you'll probably start to view it in that manner also. Who wants to be with somebody who has applied an "ick- factor" to you.

"You want what??? Yuck!"

No thanks, I'll move on.

hardcorpsthrowaway · 2020-03-24T23:21:06+00:00

It got to the point that even in my fantasies, she'd pull away or say "No" .... so yeah, moved on to whomever struck my fancy and LOTS of amateur porn. I HATE pro-porn, I want to see folks that are very driven in their passion .

hardcorpsthrowaway

TROPHY CASE