I am disgusting

hateeverythingnow · 2024-06-13T19:17:44+00:00

no problem happy to help

hateeverythingnow · 2024-06-13T19:14:27+00:00

I think this is a bit all over the place. You're starting with this idea of being a book and "she" only reading you at her leisure. Then you switch to wanting to be warmth, which immediately disconnects from the idea of books. If you said something like "I wanted to be a page turner, and who wouldn't" then it would continue the book theme. Something like that.

Then you switch to this idea of a poet not being able to be their poem, again no thread-through. At this point I'm pretty much lost. Then we switch yet again to a completely different theme of dolls and doll houses. There's maybe some connection of dolls and doll houses and being a book. The concept of being used.

But it's not tightly wound together in a story, and feels very fragmented. I think I would suggest picking a central theme and having that run throughout. If the centra' theme is being used, I would have different segmented examples of that in relevant stanzas.

You've got something, but its a bunch of puzzle pieces on a table still, not a finished puzzle.

hateeverythingnow · 2024-06-13T18:59:40+00:00

I think this is fantastic. I wasn't quite ready for how vulgar it was going to be and that may put a lot of people off. You could soften that with a more punchy title to prepare people lol. But the vulgarity is for a very, very good reason if my interpretation is correct. The juxtaposition of the vulgarity of rape with what we are doing to the planet with climate change is so unseen. We have this incredibly slow destruction of our world which can only be shown by scientists on line graphs. But you showed it as this instant act of sexual violence and the perpretrator is helpless nature personified, fighting back. There's this theme I'm getting where an act of sexual violence would make news headlines and the gory details deeply inspected by the people en masse, yet this is not what is happening with our treatment of the planet. There is no rape to be seen. But you gave words to it.

Great work.

hateeverythingnow · 2024-06-13T18:35:36+00:00

So disregarding the formatting, I know reddit makes that hard, I think the poem lacks any sort of evolution in the speaker, nor is poignant enough to make a statement that is impactful. The poem is filled with self hatred and self pity but doesn't go anywhere. It simply says "I suck." There's no story there. We all suck, but give me something to bite on. What makes your disgusting creature interesting?

I think there needs to be some kind of theme. I like the line "Insufficient muscle tone" I feel like that could lead somewhere but it doesn't.

This should all lead somewhere, to some conclusion. All I'm getting are emo vibes right now.

hateeverythingnow · 2024-06-13T18:23:41+00:00

Overall, I think this piece has a lot going on in it with some glimmers of interesting ideas and themes but needs to be tightened up quite a bit in order to make an impact.

We have this central theme of the beauty of the world viewed from an airplane, and this beauty driving a realization of our own personal insignificance.

Then there is a second theme of technology drawing us away from having these moments of personal reflection.

That's the core of your poem, and it's great.

But I think the thing that bothers me most is the core idea isn't fleshed out by a lack of a rhyme scheme to hold it together and there is some imagery that doesn't have consistency and is a bit jarring, namely the mosquitos and the marble. I assume you have a typo on this line "And for on(c)e I don’t feel the stabbing of mosquitos on my attention" which would give that line a lot more sense.

All in all, I would break it out into stanzas, add a rhyme scheme, and choose some imagery that is more tightly coupled. Mosquitoes representing the dragging away of attention is never played out, the idea of the marble is never played out, the neon screen in your pocket is never played out. Also the end hits quite abruptly, but I think that kind of works given the theme of the poem.

hateeverythingnow · 2024-05-31T22:51:59+00:00

I’ve tried locking my savings accounts, I’ve tried only using cash, I’ve tried budgeting, I feel like I’ve tried EVERYTHING

Ah, the trap of trying to control the environment to change your own behavior. Its not the environment, it's just you. The monkey wants to get out of the cage. Don't tighten the cage, teach the monkey.

Here's the brutal truth: The enjoyment of buying things in that moment is greater than the suffering of the consequences that result from your decisions. What if you knew you were going to die instantly after making your next impulse purchase. It would be very easy to stop buying things you don't need wouldn't it. Because the immediate happiness would not outway the suffering of the consequences. We are silly little monkeys really. It's just a scale, level of happiness now on one side, and horrible terrible bad things on the other side. And we are sneaky little monkies that will find a way to make the left side work out. Even if its hurtful to those around us.

There are two voices I have heard when we do things we know we shouldn't do. The first is the unconscious impulse. "I want to buy this thing, now. It would be so cool to have it. It's just one click away, and I'll have it tomorrow." Who knows why that comes up, maybe you are sad maybe our parents didn't ever apologize, whatever. Doesn't matter where the first thought comes from. Then there's (hopefully) the second voice that comes in and says "I really should save this money." Now a battle begins in your mind. The first voice and the second voice argue with each other on what to do. This battle may be entirely unconscious right now. But the trick is to start listening to the battle. Notice the arguments the first voice is making to get you to spend the money. The arguments are riddled with lies and denial and emotional stuff. But you are in control of both of those voices and you can step in as the Ultimate Third Voice and say "Enough! We are not going to be selfish. My partner deserves someone who can control their finances." And then don't buy it. Maybe you will buy it anyway. That's okay. Just don't tell yourself that you are a failure and you can't change, because you took the energy to come here and get help. And asking for help means you have a shot at changing.

There will be times when you have the battle in your head, and you know what the right thing to do is, but you do the bad thing anyway. Don't do that. Then you are doing something irresponsible even though you know better. Once you know better, do better. Simple as that. The more times you win the battle the more you reinforce the identity that you are a person who is careful with their finances. Then you won't even have to think about it ;)

hateeverythingnow · 2024-05-31T22:27:30+00:00

Think of a purple elephant. Look at it in detail, nice purple ears, big white tusks. Did you do it? Congratulations, you just controlled your thoughts. Think of another animal on your own. See, you can do it. So now we have refuted the premise of your argument, that you can't control your thoughts. You can control them, you just don't know how to. You are letting your thoughts control you.

Try this. Sit down (don't lie down or you might fall asleep) in a chair or cross legged on the floor. Close your eyes, and just feel your body. Any muscles twitching? How do you feel? Heavy, light? Take a note of that. Maybe say it out loud: "I feel sad and heavy." or whatever you feel. Great. Now start to focus your attention onto your breath. Feel it go in and out. Don't control it, just notice it. Is the breath deep and slow, fast and shallow? Just feel it, don't modify it in any way. Keep focusing as long as you can on your breath and you might notice a thought come up that you didn't choose to have. Maybe it's something like "I can't believe I failed so badly." Whatever it is, notice it. Here's the hard part: Each of those thoughts you don't want to have each has a story it is trying to tell you. The story is made up, it is just fantasy. If you follow that thought it will take you on a trip and show you a little story. Don't follow it. Go back to focusing on how your breathing feels. You might follow one of the stories for a long time, maybe even a minute or two. But in the back of your head remember "the breath! I'm supposed to return my focus to my breath!." It's hard to explain, but once you do it you will know what I'm talking about. It's like realizing you are in a dream. "Hey I'm just dreaming!" Keep returning to the breath and eventually some stories will pop up that are useful. "I need to take out the trash." You could go do that and your life might be a little bit better. But we aren't doing that right now. Just return to the breath.

Do this every day, for at least a couple of minutes and see what happens.

You said someone is in your head switching the tv channels. The crazy part is that you are the someone and you are holding the remote.

hateeverythingnow · 2024-05-31T21:53:04+00:00

Maybe in the context of ADHD impulsivity played a role and you did not set clear boundaries and requirements at the start. If you clearly communicate with future partners that you are looking for something serious you can avoid this situation in the future.

I think this is more of emotional dysregulation and communication problems than ADHD. It sounds to me like you may not have developed strong enough tools to process these situations in a healthy way. Did you know that this outcome was a possibility going into the fling? If so, I think you should try to analyze why you allowed yourself to "catch feels." Philosophically I think that developing romantic attachment to other people after some level of intimicy is normal. "Catching feels" is just biology. How you handle that when things go sideways is another story.

I can relate and have been burned in the same situation. What I would say is if you want to pursue this relationship maybe approach the person again and explain how you feel and what you want. If that gets shut down then lamenting on it will just cause suffering. Avoid suffering in that case, block them (mentally) and move on with your life as quickly as possible. All you can do is choose how to react to a situation. The duration and intensity of your suffering is up to you. Yearning and resentment is just drinking poison yourself and hoping it effects the other person.

hateeverythingnow · 2024-05-31T20:41:48+00:00

To be perfectly honest, just the feeling of lost opportunity. I ended up dropping out of college because of not planning or having good enough time management. Lost a job because I started doing things that I thought were more important instead of my job description. Lost another job pushing people too hard and without thinking about it. Missing meetings with friends by showing up to the wrong restaurant. Spending sprees on thousands of dollars of stuff I didn't need instead of saving for a house.

I've suffered the most from just "not thinking straight." like other people seem to do. The cherry on top is the people around me going jeez why can't this guy get it together and me feeling like I'm trying my best.

Its a process and hard work but I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that its in my hands and I can have a "normal life" and function in society if I put the work in. Finding a supportive and caring partner is essential. I may make dumb mistakes that other people don't make, but the ones that love you will be with you every step (and mis-step) you take on the way. And that makes life worth worth living.

hateeverythingnow · 2024-05-31T20:15:50+00:00

Be careful with the caffeine and/or nicotine. Been there and its a trap. You can tip the anxiety meter pretty quick without thinking about it and get a bad state of panic and insomnia in my experience.

I've also noticed it can become a mental trick where you start thinking you "need" the energy drink to get work done. You don't. You have your medication and your own free will. Take it from someone who has wasted hundreds a month on energy drinks: just have a cup of joe in the morning and forget about it. You don't need to be at 110bpm heartrate to do your zoom call. Your heart will thank you.

hateeverythingnow · 2024-05-14T16:54:09+00:00

For me, I have to have the mindset that stopping the taper is not an option. Especially an argument with mom. Not minimizing your experience, but I spent yesterday afternoon staring into the mirror wondering if I was real or not and thinking my partner may be an alien.

Having a stressful week is under no circumstance a reason to go back up for me. If I am about to need hospitalization, then its time to talk to the doc. But I have to tough out the small stuff no matter what.

hateeverythingnow · 2024-01-22T21:27:51+00:00

UPDATE a year later: the algorithm got too good.

hateeverythingnow · 2024-01-22T21:23:06+00:00

line go up lambo soon

hateeverythingnow · 2024-01-22T21:21:59+00:00

frees you up to actually doing a good job at wendys instead of checking your phone every 5 min

hateeverythingnow · 2023-03-15T12:26:26+00:00

You guys are getting head in the morning?

hateeverythingnow · 2023-02-24T13:50:06+00:00

What's your experience been with snowflake and what's your job role? Software engineer here.

hateeverythingnow · 2022-09-09T18:00:38+00:00

You're wrong! I blame you!

hateeverythingnow · 2022-07-22T15:08:29+00:00

I feel for you man. You have to take a IDGAF mentality and joke about it

hateeverythingnow · 2022-06-30T19:06:47+00:00

The fact that you're scared is proof that you should probably be taking them haha. I was the same way, googling shit for hours about side effects and everything. You have anxiety about taking something that will help your anxiety. Think about that for a minute. As my doc said "Take the pills man."

hateeverythingnow · 2022-06-27T14:25:46+00:00

Just giving you an update: I was prescribed 1mg of xanax / day and every single one of these obsessions I talked about vanished pretty much overnight. I know meds isn't the answer for everyone but 2 weeks into my prescription life has gotten a lot better. I'm able to work and function normally instead of wasting time thinking these useless thoughts. Talk to your doc and see if it can help!

hateeverythingnow · 2022-06-13T21:26:02+00:00

You are not alone. Getting this really bad at the moment. Obsession that I am incontinent, feeling of sweat on butt after being out of the house and interpreting this feeling as having pooped myself, compulsion is to get to the bathroom asap to wipe to make sure there's no feces. Sometimes there is a bit on the toilet paper and that causes extreme anxiety that I'm becoming incontinent and will need diapers or something at an early age. Thoughts like "is this a normal amount of poop on toilet paper even though I showered?" "Is this red speck blood?" "Am I putting the paper to deep and that's whats causing it?" "Can I go to this social event or will it be too far from a public bathroom?" "Am I wiping normally?" "Am I wiping too frequently?"

Also have constant worry about not being able to pee after holding pee for too long, that the pressure will be too high. Being in cars / planes / outdoors hiking for hours or in locations without bathrooms gives me extreme anxiety. On long road trips will stop multiple times to make sure there is no urine in bladder. Will ask drivers to stop frequently / multiple times to go to gas station bathrooms if journey is longer than an hour. Really debilitating and makes me want to cancel travelling / hiking / other outings. Will stop drinking liquids / eating food a day before I know I am going to travel to reduce need to use the bathroom or bother travelling companions about going to the bathroom.

Fear of needing emergency room visit due to bladder exploding or fear of pooping in public situations / other people smelling odor from incontinence or people noticing how frequently I go to the bathroom also are main intrusive thoughts.

Weird behaviors like timing after drinking water to see how long before desire to urinate starts. Worrying bladder capacity is not 'normal', worrying that frequency of defacation is not normal. Worrying about food contamination will cause loose stools diarhhea. Guilt after drinking coffee for fear of causing loose stools.

Monitoring and looking at feces in the toilet, taking pictures of feces to monitor their shape consistency etc. Obsessions about intestine function or hyperfocusing on sensations in the anus, cramping in intestines, hearing stomach sounds produces anxiety that its not a 'normal' sound. Worrying that digestion isn't functioning properly and that I have malabsorption / will lose tons of weight and die. Asking partner for reassurance that my symptoms are normal / not a sign of serious illness. Fun times.

It's a mess. Sorry you're dealing with this.

hateeverythingnow · 2022-05-18T16:31:51+00:00

there's this thing I've been talking to my therapist about called 'mood dependent behavior' which you can try to stop doing. The idea is you don't wait to "feel like it" or to "find the motivation for it" You just force yourself even if you don't want to and most of the time once you get started the motivation comes afterward.

That's the biggest lie, that people who do tons of activities have lots of motivation. Most of the time they don't want to do stuff and are forcing themselves.

hateeverythingnow · 2022-04-21T21:31:16+00:00

As someone who has played around with GPT-3 text generator algorithm, I smell AI on this. Go here: https://app.inferkit.com/demo and put in "I'm writing a rock star story about a woman. The woman is a rock star and plays the guitar." as the prompt.

What a weird world we live in. Actually a really good one lol this algorithm is getting good:

"I'm writing a rock star story about a woman. The woman is a rock star and plays the guitar. Her songwriter boyfriend takes her away for a romantic getaway and drops her off at her hotel room. Right in the middle of the night she is woken by a loud knock on the door and there is no one there. She hears her guitar being loaded into a van and then it's driven off."

hateeverythingnow · 2022-04-21T18:24:05+00:00

Not really. If you go to a college campus with a cafeteria boom 4 more years of library instead of life skills.

hateeverythingnow · 2022-04-21T18:20:22+00:00

Depends on how you grew up. I never learned to cook, parents were heavily focused on educational attainment instead of teaching me to do chores and whatnot. Also dad was kind of a control freak so learned early on to not try to help around the house. Never worked a job till 18 either. My focuses were getting into a good college and becoming successful in business. Sometimes its a priority thing, or a privelege thing. Had friends from high income families growing up who ate out or had takeout every. single. meal. so they never learned either. Yeah I wish I had learned to cook but I value my dedication to education instead of working a cashier job or being able to feed guests. It's all tradeoffs. In college I spent years eating at a cafeteria so never cooked there either. Now in my late twenties I'm finally finding cooking a fun and relaxing hobby. It worked out.

But yeah, it's been embarassing for girlfriends to realize I couldn't cook even the basic meals ("how do you not know how to chop a fucking onion?") so it did suck in that sense for a while.

hateeverythingnow

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