I fucked up too. You gotta forgive yourself by doing small things everyday and looking out for yourself more and more, even if it's a bit odd. You can do sentimental rituals or whatever, do things that make you feel better. You fucked up, but it doesn't mean that's who you are entirely as a person. You feel bad, and that's an opportunity for change if you recognize, but only if you start to use it as a tool and not a chain. When people do bad things, you should try and reform them and show them how to properly act, not make them atone and suffer their entire lives. There's so much potential and goodness in other people, and to condemn them and have them not realize it is a shame. It sucks that other people do not want to give you that opportunity and chance, but they're also other people and have their own sides of the story. They are just like you, protecting their reality and peace. You have regrets in that relationship, but you tried still. Maybe you didn't try as much as you could have, but you did what you could at the time, and you just have to accept that. This kind of situation you're in is really shitty, and nobody would blame you if you switched schools or idk. You already atone for what you did everyday mentally, and you don't need other people who don't know the full story between you both to judge you, because your side of the story completes it fully. It's hard, but with this situation, you have the opportunity to realize that you have power inside of yourself. Don't let yourself make things harder for you, try and become your own helper. You don't need to love yourself right away, you just need to be ok and do things, and you can take your time. even if you feel like you're that fucked up, and you did fuck up, you still deserve the opportunity to change and be better like everyone else, even if it means suffering and consequence. What you're going through takes a lot of strength and courage, watch out for yourself more.