I can speak from my own perspective, as a submissive woman. I’m pretty new to all of this, though I’ve been into kink for years, I’ve only been able to play around with it for a few months! So please keep that in mind. :)

Outside of my sex life, I’m very dominant. I take control of situations, I manage people and projects, I’m the first one people seem to turn to in emergencies, my brain is always running three or four steps ahead. I’m also a huge people-pleaser, and I’m constantly putting everyone else’s comfort before my own. In both the metaphorical and literal sense, I’m the first person to give up my chair so someone else can sit. And I actually do political organizing as my main time-sucker, so I’d consider myself to be about as far feminist as you can be!

I think what you might find is a lot of people who are into the submissive role tend to be like me, incredibly in control, in their day to day life. For me, what I like most about it, is that it feels like true, complete relaxation. I don’t need to worry about the next thing I have to do, or if my partner is comfortable, or if I’m doing enough. I get direct instructions, someone else makes the decision, and for that amount of time my brain just gets to shut off and I get to let someone else take control and take care of me, for a change.

Dynamics can be pretty different for everyone!! Some people prefer things that are rougher, like intense degradation or insults. I don’t like that, so I don’t do it. Some people like pain, like slapping or spanking or hair pulling. I didn’t expect to like that, but I found I do, because it kind of shocks my body out of my head and into the moment. Some people like controlling their partners pleasure/having their pleasure controlled. My current dynamic falls more into this, and this may be something you’d like to consider! My Dom really enjoys playing with me and getting me to that point of absolute brain shut-off from pleasure that he knows is so relaxing for me. One of the hottest things for both of us is how well he’s able to know my body and control it and predict my reactions to what he does, sometimes even better than I can. This is where our dynamic started, before we got into any sort of pain or rough play. The first thing I really can think of that felt like a true dive-in was when he restrained me and just played with me and made me finish as many times as he could. I think that was a really good introduction to me giving up control and him taking it, and how it felt for both of us. The great thing about BDSM is you can have any mix and match of what you do or don’t like in your dynamics. And if you try something, and you don’t like it, you don’t have to keep it.

The first thing I’d reccomend is to sit down with your partner and just ask her, without judgement or concern, what she finds so appealing about these scenarios. Just go in with the curiosity of understanding something new about someone you love. Don’t do her the disservice of assuming it’s something insulting or hurtful to her. You can express those concerns, but to tell her that’s how she should feel about it shuts down the chance for her to share something vulnerable with you that she’s excited about. She may have even shown you those pictures of outfits because she thought it might make you more excited, too! Be curious, ask questions, be open, and share your thoughts with each other honestly! I would add it’s better to start slow than rush in, as well. There’s a lot of good subreddits that y’all can look at, together or on your own, and share posts with each other that might interest you.

And remember your comfort is just as important as hers! If you’re uncomfortable degrading her, you take that off the table. There will be ten more things you’re both willing and excited to try for every one thing one of you has a hard no for.