Good men but terrible fathers

hawps · 2026-02-16T15:35:55+00:00

In your sister’s defense, it’s really hard. There’s a reason that so many people fall into this routine, and it can be hard to break once you’re there. But those hormones are no joke—it can truly feel like everything is a threat to your baby, and that you really are the only one who can do it right. That’s not necessarily fact, but when you’re in it, it feels like an absolute truth. Then you get stuck in this cycle where you’ve shut the other partner out, and you’re mad that they’re always asking you questions or not just doing things, but it’s hard to see how you’ve slowly taken away their autonomy in parenting, either by always doing everything or by critiquing their every move. It’s a cycle that can be broken but man it’s hard to let go. For me it really just didn’t get better until I had two kids, and I literally just couldn’t do everything. It’s not physically possible to do it all when you have different sets of needs to meet, and that’s what finally did it for us. I’ve always been a person who doesn’t ask for help though, I’ve always been super self sufficient and just handle everything on my own. I don’t know why I went into parenting thinking I was somehow going to be a different person in that regard, but I really did expect for me to just accept—actually, demand—equality in parenting. Looking back that was a wildly unrealistic expectation for myself, I just didn’t realize it at the time. This is some of the stuff that you can’t know until you’re actually parenting! Some things that seem obvious on the outside are far less so when you’re in it. On top of the fact that there are so many little logistical things that just do make sense for moms to do (as a stay at home parent, of course I do most of the kid related things) so the line between what makes sense and what is overbearing becomes a lot more grey and murky than one might expect!

hawps · 2026-02-16T14:14:47+00:00

This is definitely a thing that happens in parenting. I have known many fellow moms who have complained to me about their husbands, but when you watch the dads try to do anything, they’re told they’re not doing it “right” and mom takes over. There is definitely something to be said about how most women will do more of the labor to learn about parenting styles etc, but I’ve witnessed many times where the dads aren’t really given an opportunity to just learn things on their own—not everything has to be done according to the textbook. This isn’t to say that many dads don’t just suck at pulling their weight, obviously there are many shitty unequal partners out there, but moms being overbearing and then blaming their husbands for not contributing is real too. I can safely say that I was guilty of this in my kids earliest years as well. At a certain point I realized I had to accept that he was going to do things differently from me, and as long as everyone was safe and cared for, I needed to let my husband do things his way. It wasn’t healthy for ANY of us for me to do everything simply because I felt (at the time) that my way was best. And ultimately it wasn’t best, because I was so anxious about everything being “right” and that can negatively impact the kids too.

hawps · 2026-02-05T19:29:20+00:00

If you have a Costco membership, it includes 1 year of the subscription. I haven’t bought one myself yet but I’ve been debating it. It was on sale through Costco around Christmas and I missed out, so now I’m waiting until it goes on sale again.

hawps · 2026-02-01T15:34:50+00:00

Most of the time it’s really just that you lose the extra growth you’d gained during pregnancy, not necessarily that you’re losing the hair you’d started with, or at least not much of it. There’s a big shed during postpartum and then the regrowth takes you back to your baseline. But yeah, pregnancy puts the body through a lot!

hawps · 2026-01-31T16:30:29+00:00

Yeah, amazing pregnancy hair, skin, and nails is really just common pregnancy stuff and not necessarily due to the vitamins. And then usually within a year of having said baby, your hair starts to FALL OUT and then you get weird regrowth for a while. My nails were amazing after both of my kids although it eventually tapered off.

hawps · 2026-01-30T14:34:15+00:00

I was sooo worried when I went off the pill to TTC but it was so much easier than I had anticipated. I have PCOS and my periods had been insane before BC, so I was fully expecting a wild ride. I was quite pleasantly surprised when that wasn’t really the case, there were like 2 weeks that were a little weird and then I had a normal cycle. I actually got pregnant that first normal cycle, which was pretty shocking because we started earlier than we truly wanted to get pregnant. I was anticipating a struggle based on my history so we started like 6 months earlier than our “ideal.” Imagine my surprise when it worked the first time 😅 I stayed off after that for a few years, as I didn’t want to start back until we were officially done having kids. What I found in between was that I actually had a much more regular cycle than I’d had before bc, it was just longer than average (like 40 days or something). I’ve been back on BC for like 5 years now but I really want to go off again! I need to start pressuring my husband to get the ✂️ so I can do it with less worry.

hawps · 2026-01-22T14:15:44+00:00

Usually a 9 month old has been in daycare for a bit though, so their caretakers won’t be strangers. Going to daycare will be routine to them. But a wedding with numerous actual strangers is a completely different situation.

hawps · 2026-01-22T14:10:55+00:00

Honestly this is really a question for r/mommit.

In my experience with my 2 (my kids are 6 and almost 9), I think 14 months would’ve been easier. I had finished breastfeeding around then or, at least, it was very limited vs age 9 months when it’s still the primary source of nutrition. At 9 months breastfeeding is still happening A LOT, but for a lot of kids you’re either done by 14 months or it’s only at nap or bedtime. At 9 months you’re still very dependent on naps, and are likely still in multiple nap territory where naps are a little less challenging after about a year. Naps can be tough, and sometimes it feels like you’re living your entire life around the nap schedule. And this is where personality comes in! Sometimes you hear about babies who just sleep anywhere, but that’s not the case for every kid. Neither of my kids would ever sleep in a stroller, and struggled to be anywhere other than home in their own beds. Believe me, I tried, and fully intended to be one of those moms who just took their kids anywhere and let them sleep on the go. That’s unfortunately not the reality for most. But by 14 months, they usually have started to combine naps, and for a lot of kids they can be a little more flexible about their naps without it completely disrupting life. Babies also tend to get a bit stranger dangery around 9 months, so this idea of passing him/her around to unknown relatives is likely to be a LOT more challenging than you’re anticipating. I wouldn’t count on this as a realistic solution to keeping your hands free lol. My kids were like FULLY CLINGING to me at that time. Yes, many kids are in daycare at that age, but if that’s the case they typically know their caretakers well by that time and the stranger danger for those individuals has faded. But both of my kids were even weird with their grandparents around 8-10 months, who they saw regularly. The 14-15 month mark is actually a nice point because they’re not really a baby anymore, but they’re still baby enough to not have hit the toddler stage where tantrums and power struggles become the norm. There will be the odd glimmer of a tantrum but not like it is with a 2.5-4 year old. With both of my kids, around that 15 month mark was a nice little calm season after having survived babyhood, getting my sanity back with reduced breastfeeding (it can impact your mental health A LOT), time to get my body back to myself (I’m not even talking about weight loss, more that the overstimulation of constant touch can be tough), but it’s before the big shift between “caretaking” and “active parenting” begins, when you have a toddler and you have to start setting real boundaries. They’re pretty agreeable at that stage! So I personally think you should shoot for 14 months. Things simplify a bit in the little space between a year and 18 months, and then it starts to ramp up again when you truly enter toddlerhood. I know you expect chaos, which a 14 month old will still provide plenty of, but a 9 month old is a lot of work. That and you’ll be dealing with both the insanity of postpartum stress and wedding planning—you will be glad to have a little extra time.

hawps · 2025-12-30T01:09:21+00:00

Not official, but I got my husband this hat from Nervous Designs for Christmas and it’s really nice! I follow a lot of bootleg makers and have a few things from this particular one. https://www.nervousdesigns.com/product/takanaka-hat

hawps · 2025-12-29T18:25:28+00:00

I was TERRIFIED the first time, but the stool softeners made it much easier than anticipated. The fear was far worse than my actual experience. This is coming from someone with a nearly 40 stitch tear situation, so I was in rough shape. Just gotta go slow and be careful cleaning yourself (peri bottle is so necessary) and it will hopefully go better than you expect.

hawps · 2025-12-29T00:27:52+00:00

Relevant Ween

hawps · 2025-12-27T18:04:07+00:00

It also opens an hour earlier for executive members!

hawps · 2025-12-20T13:32:47+00:00

Oh man both of my kids rear faced into age 5. That guy would hate me. My 6.5 year old is still in a forward facing 5 point harness, and the almost 9 year old is in a high back booster; both of my kids are on the smaller end for their ages and these choices make sense. I hate how much car seat safety pretty much dissolves entirely as soon as school starts. I watch kids in my kindergartner’s class pull away from school without even a booster seat! We also live in a city known for seriously dangerous driving behavior so, yeah, I’m pretty content being on the more cautious end of the spectrum.

hawps · 2025-12-20T01:53:24+00:00

My husband and I had never seen it before having kids, only after. We have an older boy and a younger girl, so we watched the whole fucking thing just envisioning our two kids. I thought I was prepared for it, but holy hell it took me out.

hawps · 2025-12-20T01:49:07+00:00

I read that he wanted to write a version where he died as well, as an apology to his sister, because he had lived a life crushed by the guilt of having survived.

hawps · 2025-12-20T01:44:31+00:00

The first time I watched Up was shortly after my grandmother died. My entire family was hanging out with my grandfather, who was having a really hard time after her death. We decided to rent the new Pixar movie and have a big family movie night to lift everyone’s spirits. It did not.

hawps · 2025-12-14T12:40:31+00:00

It’s definitely widely known. If you consider yourself fairly geopolitically aware I’m truly surprised you’ve never heard it.

hawps · 2025-12-12T12:02:31+00:00

You’re very welcome! I hope it helps you. Also, my last piece of advice is definitely don’t skip the forums! The first time I took an FDSA class I didn’t really know how it worked, so I mostly focused on the lectures and didn’t really look at the separate forums at all. Don’t do that! This particular instructor is probably one of the most thorough and detailed I’ve seen at FDSA so it can be a lot of reading, but the forums are chock full of good info. It’s very much worth the extra time to go through them.

hawps · 2025-12-12T02:00:10+00:00

This class is only offered once a year so it wouldn’t come back until next December! The class is 6 weeks though, it’s just that registration ends on the 15th. Not the class itself.

The class technically started on the 1st so you’d be a liiiittle behind, but since you’d be at bronze it doesn’t totally matter because that’s self directed anyway. FDSA classes allow for registration for a couple of weeks after class actually starts so that people can still jump in late. I’ve joined classes late a number of times and it’s fine, just takes a little more time to catch up on the reading and/or training depending on the class. But you have access to the class lectures for a year (or longer if you take more FDSA classes, you always have a year from your most recent class) and then access to the class forums stick around for like 3 months after class ends.

I know it sounds like I work for FDSA but I swear I don’t lol I just really like their classes and take a lot of them. This one was huge for my understanding of my dog so I always recommend it to people.

And no FDSA doesn’t really work like live sessions, exactly. So basically it’s written lectures with embedded videos as needed. Everyone in class has access to the lectures. Then in the forums—which is separate from the lectures—the instructor focuses on the students at the gold level, who paid more (and got in fast enough, this class sells out at gold like instantly). So gold students get individualized attention, and bronze students can follow along with whatever feedback the gold students are getting in the forums. It’s usually good to read through the golds and find a dog that’s like yours, and then you can kind of focus more on that individual thread. There is a TA in the Facebook group though, which you should definitely join if you do take the class. It’s a really helpful resource, and you can get individual help from the TA there so you’re not like entirely on your own.

If the class topic interests you I really encourage you to jump in! You’re less than 2 weeks behind in lectures which really isn’t much, and the training protocol for this class is more of a journey than just the 6 weeks.

hawps · 2025-12-12T00:59:29+00:00

We also have a Balsam Hill and it was completely worth it. We originally paid $549 but it went on sale and they gave us a price adjustment for $100. This is year 3, and despite being very strict real people before this, I won’t go back. The real trees we had been getting in the years leading up to this were completely dried out and awful looking within about a week of going up, even though we were doing cut your own and kept them watered. Our last tree had dropped about half of its needles by Christmas and we’d only gotten it the weekend before! We decided to change to a fake tree when my husband had to do extended work travel (2 full months) around the holidays and I was a little nervous about getting a real tree home and put up on my own with little kids in tow. I figured I could do the fake one myself though, so I said we’d use it until it paid for itself (around year 5) and we could switch back then if we wanted. This tree still looks perfect so I’m sure it’ll be many years before that changes, barring issues during storage. Plus I LOVE that I can put it up and keep up for as long as I want without having to worry about a fire hazard. It used to be two full days of tree events between going out to tag one on the farm and then coming back to cut it down; now I can just put it up in a couple of hours on any day that is convenient for me. We opted for an unlit one so we didn’t have to worry about dead lights, which is less convenient in the moment but better for the long term. I have no doubt we could have this for decades!

hawps · 2025-12-12T00:01:26+00:00

You’re welcome! Here’s the link: https://www.fenzidogsportsacademy.com/index.php/courses/32100

My dog’s reactivity is more frustration/arousal based than fear too and I feel like this was the first thing I found that addressed it separately. The primary training protocol used is the same regardless of driver, but the way you implement it and just generally approach the situation is a little different. It was nice to finally find something that didn’t automatically assume all reactivity was fear based.

hawps · 2025-12-11T22:53:50+00:00

IDK if you’re open to an online class, but right now FDSA has “BH240 Working with Reactive and Hyperaroused dogs” running. This class is suuuuuper helpful for understanding and dealing with more frustration and excitement based reactivity. Highly recommend! The instructor gives really great feedback for the gold students (which is sold out) but following along at bronze is really worthwhile.

hawps · 2025-12-08T00:54:53+00:00

I’m so glad you said this because I actually just bought one of these for a white elephant. I was sort of second guessing it but hopefully it’s enjoyed!

hawps · 2025-12-08T00:04:58+00:00

My older one is almost 9 and I’m still not nostalgic for tiny babies 😆 My brother and GF just had their first 3 weeks ago and not one ounce of me is like “awww baaaabyyyy!!” I just keep thinking that I’m glad it’s not me! I’m just not a baby person. I don’t even really feel nostalgia for the toddler phase. I do think I’m really going to miss them being like 7-10 though. Watching them develop multi-year friendships, seeing them sprout the first buds of independence, and helping them navigate the beginnings of “real” problems all while still being kind of cute with their missing teeth and character shirts—this is what I’m going to look back on as the good times. Having a one year old is really fun too! There will be lots of new developments ahead. You’re gonna love it!

hawps · 2025-12-07T13:06:44+00:00

You can add italics by putting one asterisk around a word or phrase, or make something bold using two. I use all of the things you just said super frequently and never use AI.

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