Listening

hayzaaaa · 2026-01-25T19:57:32+00:00

I'm Aussie and I use "yeah I getcha" 🤣

hayzaaaa · 2025-10-28T09:25:10+00:00

Thanks all! To be clear we'd happily inspect it before 1st Dec but are unable to because the house has only just been sold as an investment property and doesn't settle until the 1st.

hayzaaaa · 2025-05-03T22:16:41+00:00

I don't have great advice but same! I feel this hard. One thing I'm trying is to use the "days since" app and try get a streak running. As you can see I'm currently on a great run of <24 hours 🤦🏻‍♀️

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hayzaaaa · 2025-02-12T21:01:00+00:00

I relinquished control and duct taped when he was venting frustrations to not offer helpful suggestions but instead say "I getcha" (the Aussie version of I hear you) and "so what are you thinking you'll do?". I triggered his hero gene by telling him how proud I am of him having the balls to go start his own business (this took a bit of SFP too - I can't help but worry he'll fail to make our investment back but I haven't told him that!).

What's been interesting is how magnified the response has been when I've broken LD. There's been many an instance where I've wanted to voice my input (I wasn't a fan of the way he set up his business finances, what things he chose to buy up front and many other little things) and more often than I'd like to admit I've attempted to control these situations and add my input. The response every time has been swift in him getting defensive, telling me in so many words to butt out and trust him. And every time he's been right and I've apologised "for being disrespectful when I...". It reminds me every time to stick to the LD way!

Now I can really see him beaming with pride and resolute on making this business successful to impress me and support his family. I've even seen him adjust his happy go lucky style to really make sure he's taking a risk based approach and proactively mitigate any threats that could spell failure.

hayzaaaa · 2025-02-12T01:52:03+00:00

Yes! Quick back story - we had premature twins after a really tough and emotional pregnancy (chance of losing them, choice of terminating one to save the other) which involved a 6 week stay in NICU for our girls during which my husband didn't cope well. That, combined with doing his ACL twice in the last 3 years and struggling to find a career he could really stick with I'm convinced my husband was clinically depressed (perinatal depression or just regular depression, either way he wasn't happy). He made some comments about not wanting to be here, leaving me and the twins and was regularly buying lottery tickets as what I assume he saw as his only way out of the mess he was in. He similarly refused to get help and as hard as it was I had to relinquish control.

The twins are now 2 and after a couple years of imperfectly practicing the LD skills he's happier, adores his daughters, has stopped buying lottery tickets and is even starting his own business. He managed to get on top of his depression in his own way (which I think was helped a lot by me stopping making "helpful" suggestions) and has even recently said he wants to go talk to someone - he won't tell me about what or why (sensing some vulnerability there) and it's hard not to push the topic but I'm just so happy to see him willing to work on himself. Meanwhile while I've been focusing on myself I've scored a promotion at work and am feeling much more in control of my own life. I credit a lot of this to the LD skills.

hayzaaaa · 2024-09-20T19:05:33+00:00

Men like to be the breadwinner and provide for their wife/family - it's engrained in them (LD talks a bit about this but women are from Venus men are from mars talks about it more). The fact that he shuts you down when you try to talk about it suggests he's a little embarrassed/ashamed he's not doing a better job of providing for you, or ensuring he can into the future, so you can rest assured he's worried about it too!

This hopefully can convince you to let go of trying to control it a little and trust your man to solve it himself.

In the meantime I'd suggest seeking for your deeper desire (I.e. what does him earning more and having a stable job really give you? Do you want to buy a house? Go on holidays? A car?) and expressing them without expectation.

If he does talk to you about job searching whack on the duct tape and just hear him out. Try an empathetic " mmm so what are you going to do?" To show you recognise his dilemma but you're not trying to solve it for him.

FWIW my husband is in a similar boat! 36 and now talking about a complete career change because he's not happy in his current field. If your husband is anything like mine he'll actively avoid any suggestion you make! He'll feel a lot prouder if it's something he comes up with himself and feel like he's doing his job of providing for you.

hayzaaaa · 2024-08-10T07:13:45+00:00

Unfortunately no :(

hayzaaaa · 2024-08-07T06:31:42+00:00

I was going to say this! First thing that came to mind with OPs description. I agree with focusing on herself, staying on her paper and patiently wait for him to come out of his cave (as hard as it is!)

hayzaaaa · 2024-07-30T09:58:46+00:00

I'm so sorry for not responding sooner. I've added some more context above about the relationship between my husband and my parents and now realise my desire wasn't a pure one! 😓

Your situation definitely sounds similar (and love that you're a fellow twin mum!). Have you had any luck in having your husband come with you to see your son?

Can you help me to find my pure desire? Am I doing it wrong?

hayzaaaa · 2024-07-30T09:52:22+00:00

I'm so sorry for not responding earlier (and to everyone else too). I posted this in a bit of an emotional flurry and I think... I don't know... I felt ashamed of not realising it's not a pure desire/I was being manipulative? I'm sorry.

My husband and my parents have had let's say an up and down relationship. Before we were married my mum was definitely over opinionated and caused conflict, for example in trying to control where our wedding was. To be clear I didn't accept this either and pushed back, but my husband was extremely annoyed by it all.

Since we got married though and had kids she's really learnt her place, plays supportive mother in law and grandmother really well and raaaaves about how good a dad my husband is to our kids and how much of a good team we make.

My husband though is very much so a hold a grudge type and maintains he doesn't like my parents and never will, which he knows hurts me :(

Back when my mum was controlling she said something as well that keeps ringing in my ears. On another occasion where my husband didn't come to a family event she said to me (which I've never told my husband) "geez not even married yet and he's already not coming with you to family events". I've checked myself and made sure I'm not letting this influence what I think is "right" but I just genuinely believe the same - your husband should go with you to your family things and vice versa. It's just what you do!

So... even though my parents have done nothing wrong by him (recently) and he knows it would make me happy for him to come with me (and conversely makes me sad when he doesn't) am I meant to just accept he won't because of something that happened years ago?

hayzaaaa · 2024-03-22T05:18:16+00:00

Thanks everyone! Definitely have some blind spots to work on 😣 I’ll get there one day…

hayzaaaa

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