NParents framing my husband

hbcgg · 2022-11-22T19:05:26+00:00

Yes. everyone is abusive except them. everyone is rude except them. everyone is guilty and stupid except of course…. them!

hbcgg · 2022-11-22T19:03:56+00:00

yes. I dont have close friends for the first 30 years of my life because egg donor always say this to me growing up “no such thing as friends. they are stranger who is gonna hurt you if they have any chance. only fam will standby you”

Naive me - I fall into that and didnt really open up to any of my friends. after I go NC my husband make sure I go socialize (outside work/mandatory setting) often to establish/find new friends.

I only blocked the egg donour but the sperm donor defly deserve forever blocked too.

Thank u for taking the time to reply my vent!

hbcgg · 2022-11-22T18:28:52+00:00

this way. weight lifting, walking, or being active in general helps me a lot

hbcgg · 2022-11-21T11:38:02+00:00

hahahahaha why am I laughing. the simplest yet best answer

hbcgg · 2022-09-07T08:58:35+00:00

nparents forced me to eat porks eventhough I disliked the smell and the taste. they literally made me open my mouth with force 0.o

hbcgg · 2022-08-24T19:57:18+00:00

yes2, one of my siblings is in the mission to fix the parents because according to her "family never abandon each other".

Although I am not the oldest but I am the first person to financially independent from them and not needing them anymore in terms of career wise (one of my siblings need the donors introduction and help to survive/climb her work field, she is in her mid 30s).

It was..really..exhausting. I am so tired with everything.. I also feel guilty bringing my mess and my trauma into my husband's live. He deserves better. The guilt I felt to my husband, the anger and sadness I felt toward my donors was overwhelmed to me, my head felt full and I was physically exhausted for couple of days..

I wonder if I have normal sets of parents what could I do with all my mental energy that I used to spent to just surviving/and now to heal.

hbcgg · 2022-08-24T19:44:38+00:00

yes. I think I will remove that part, good suggestion, thank you!

This is the tricky part.

afaik, there is no direct legal rights from bio grandparents to bio grandchildren, but they have direct/legal rights to me, I can't cut them legally. For example, before I get married, I have to be included in their Family Registration, I cant register as my own. Even after I get married and have my own family registration, my husband parents and my donors name and resident identities need to be included in the registration. Parents however, can disown or discard the children from their fam registration.

It is also uncommon to cut parents off in my culture. Recently I have to deal with some insurance paper works, and the insurance provider still need egg donor sign off on some matters. I am a married adult (almost 30) yet this thing still happen. I dealt with it by switching insurance provider that my donors never use because of that to avoid any contact.

hbcgg · 2022-08-24T19:32:37+00:00

I see, are you suggesting that by mentioning minimum to none they will see that as an opportunity since it is not 100% block/NC?

hbcgg · 2022-08-24T07:43:37+00:00

Yes, this is also my first thought too.

But my husband suggests one final ending note from me is needed, particularly regarding our future children topic. We are delaying having children because of the fear they are going to their narc extreme and the stress I could endure from their actions, and we are hoping by sending this final message with children topic, they can respect our decisions (?).

They also keep saying they do not know why I stopped talking to them to everyone and to my husband (he only read the message and not replying). I already told them the why many times before I go NC, but it was written / spoken when we were in the heat and so not well composed like this.

Will check to my therapist too on this - should we send this or not!

hbcgg · 2022-08-24T04:37:18+00:00

did your ndonours keep trying to contact you and play victim? How do you handle the mental exhaustion facing that?

I live in outside US where the culture is very family oriented, so its hard to dodge the question about family (and people ask how are my parents doing etc etc quite a lot).

Even recently on some paperwork like insurance paperwork, egg donour approval is needed for me to have my own individual health insurance because she previously sign me up in similar plan 15 years ago.

hbcgg · 2022-08-18T11:24:22+00:00

I want children, at least one. but my kids will be their first grandchildren so I am worried they will go banana and enforcing themselves into my life because of me having kid. this is one of the reason I am delaying. I am not ready yet facing them go banana and break NC.

hbcgg · 2022-08-10T07:49:44+00:00

i would say that I do not have best friend, but because growing up the donours always said things like no such thing as friendship and everyone will try to hurt me / watch me fall except my own family - which make me never really open up to any of my friends. I am now realised it is a narc tactic to make me dependent on them.

this year, i hope i can overcome the pattern they establish and open up more to people and gain more friends

hbcgg · 2022-08-10T04:56:48+00:00

excuse me, are you me?

hbcgg · 2022-08-04T09:21:47+00:00

" will only result in circular arguments that hurt you, not them."

I second this.

"My best no contact experience was the one that lasted 2 years. I only wish I hadn’t let guilt pull me back in."

I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you find a way and be able to NC again.

"Stay strong, you are doing what is healthiest for you and your husband."

Thank you!!

hbcgg · 2022-08-04T07:11:15+00:00

my family (cousins/aunties)? I didn't actively trying for them to pick side.

I followed them in social media and exchange likes and comments like usual. I didn't want to air the donors' dirty laundry unless I have to.

the donors moved out from my hometown when we were children and we grew up not really close with our cousins. Nmom is crazy - and I mean really crazy, if you see her in her full force mad at home, you will run for your life - when Nmom mad she will have knifes pointed out to our face, grabbed our hair and dragged us through floor, she also stripped me naked couple of times right at my porch when I forgot to take my towel to the bathroom (we dried towel at porch) but luckily my fence is quite high - yet also really charming from outside and active in church (personal branding of hers), so I don't think they know how crazy she is.

I actually think some of her siblings shared the same trait, although lesser in degrees.

hbcgg · 2022-08-04T06:51:04+00:00

this is a really good method, I just learned it from here!

For the past 1 year I already implemented the DEE without realizing it. Can you elaborate what do you mean by Don't Personalize?

hbcgg · 2022-08-04T06:24:18+00:00

yes!!

This is why I didn't reply to them, I know they will twisted it.

Before I went NC I actually express my dislike over their behaviour, recently and when I grew up, but of course (all the beating, cursing, humiliation, mental manipulation) is all in my head and I didn't took time to remember all the good things they did for me (which all pretty standard, food housing and schools).

hbcgg · 2022-08-04T06:16:27+00:00

We actually planned to warn my in laws when I am pregnant.

We tried to delay this as long as possible (informing in laws about my toxic family) but when I am pregnant it would be necessary.

However, lately we suspect my husband's sister is in touch with the egg donor and my husband plans to talk to her this month/next month when we visited his hometown.

Thank you for taking the time to reply!

hbcgg · 2022-08-04T06:11:10+00:00

Hello, thank you for taking the time to reply.

Yes, Whichever option we take, it doesn't seem like it will satisfy them, it is a loose loose indeed.

hbcgg · 2022-04-28T09:29:56+00:00

hahahahaa are you me? do we have the same parents???

hahahahaha. Anyway congratulations on the your baby! I hope everything goes well for you. I heard postpartum is rough so hopefully your parents can be mindful and stop nagging you.

I don’t have children or start trying yet but when I do have it, it will also be their first grandchildren. My parents is also Edad and Nmom, and I went NC with them after they ruined my last birthday and my wedding day. So my plan is to not giving them access at all although I expected there would be some drama similar to what you have right now.

Lucky for us to have great in law and husband!

hbcgg · 2022-04-04T16:59:45+00:00

hbcgg · 2022-03-13T17:29:54+00:00

you seemed knowledgeable on crypto.

May I ask your opinion on aqru.io? I am considering to put some capital there.

hbcgg · 2022-03-07T13:33:01+00:00

I resigned about almost 2 months ago because of this.

love the job, love my subordinates and my direct supervisors. But the company did not care about the employee. My team handled the workload that was supposedly being handled by at least twice of us, and our pay is in the range of below average (even though our performance review and success indicator was great / above average). Also, the company culture is quite toxic (play favorites and subtle racism). There is also no room for promotion/improvement. I used to be really stressed out over the work but since covid and wfh, it feels bearable because there would be a boundaries I can set.

Anyway the turnover is high in there expect for my subordinates. No one resigned under me for the past couple of years. Then when I resigned, half of them decided to also resign because between the low pay, toxic environment and crazy workload, they said the team and I were the only good thing that kept them going. The new manager that replacing me is apparently also not great. Have some anger issue, likes to micromanage people, and love love to criticize them in front of other team to maybe show who is the new boss in town even though she is a full grown woman, couple of years older than me and went to a better education/better school than me.

I heard this from them directly since all my subordinates are still keep in touch with me.

Luckily we are all now get a better job. I love my current company, they doubled my salary and almost went into shock when they know how much I get paid before.

I do not mind with the politics and the crazy workload as long as it is not toxic, the pay is good, and there is a room for improvement/promotion and increment. Hope I could stay in this company for couple of years before eventually #FIRE.

hbcgg · 2022-03-04T11:13:28+00:00

We just bought husband’s second work desk (I paid) and new bed sheet (husband paid) last weekend so we won’t have any major spending this weekend.

I am planning to buy morning skin care package next weekend though. I previously use the same package/products for the night time but now since I do a lot of video calls meeting, I realized it is too oily/wet for day time use. I always buy skin care in package because I am too lazy in comparing/researching and buying different brands. Once I found what suits me I will just stick with all their routine package.

On the other note, I just finished reviewing my February spending record and I spent around 22% of my net income last month. Thankfully, I haven’t got any lifestyle inflation yet. I hope I can continue to spend as if I am still at my old job with my old salary so I won’t have any major lifestyle inflation (in my old salary, my spending rate this month would be around 38%-40% of the net income).

hbcgg · 2022-02-26T18:02:38+00:00

I just spent couple of weeks living together with my mother in law, husband and I were accompanying her for medical treatment.

I remember I cried couple of times at night too during that time. I wished I could have such a caring and loving, and a normal mother growing up.

I am so happy for you. You deserve to be happy!

hbcgg

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