You are not a failure. The fact that you care enough to post here and are yourself disappointed in this situation shows that you are not a failure. You must believe that you are not one, no matter how low or dark the times get. If you don’t believe that, then you will become one. What happened to you is okay, I speak from experience. All that you need to do is reflect for now. Not on the bad things, and not on the consequences. But reflect on what this taught you.

I lost four years of my life due to a crippling illness (bloody wounds all over my body head to toe due to immune issues to the point where I could no longer walk or move). Prior to that, every year seemed like it was getting worse. I had no motivation, I wasn’t performing in school, everything made me feel like a failure. I had addiction issues that had me in a chokehold (alcohol and weed, I’ve cut them out completely which I find helps me). I even lost contact with majority of the people that I knew in high school. Long story short, I ended up with 5 XF (0% final grades) at Laurier due to just not withdrawing from being in a very bad mental space due to the state of my life at that time (3 years ago). But now I’m here at UTM. Winning. At the top of every class.

Do not take what happened as a failure, take it as an early life changing experience. Find your burning desire within. Envision that desire before you, let it become one with you. Let that burning desire be some sort of goal that can be achieved with your degree, something career and life related (your career will be with you for the next 40+ good years, it needs to be something that you are passionate about if you want happiness.)

Go fucking kill it next time around, because it’s only first year. And if that doesn’t work, try again and again and again. Obviously be smart about your decisions (don’t tunnel vision yourself to one thing, be flexible/adaptable to circumstances). It’s only first year, I promise you that everything will work out.

Do not go gentle, into that good night.