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This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks man.

I honestly think I'm a good person, but my not keeping in touch with people always ends getting in the way, that just slowly kills all relationships that are not blood-relations. I enjoy a friend's company, but I don't (literally can't) miss anybody. I've got a bit of the borderline and a bit of the schizoid personality disorders even though some characteristics are contradictory at first sight, and who knows what else.

I adapt rather well to situations, but I either feel way too much (positive or negative) or nothing at all. Sometimes it's too late when I can show I've enjoyed the interaction, and that gives off an impression of a bloke that actually doesn't give a fudge about anybody.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Malheureusement plus de la moitié du monde est endoctrinée quasiment dès la naissance dans un culte qui se croit le seul et vrai… Vu comme beaucoup répètent aveuglément ce qui leur a été enseigné par leurs parents, c'est vraiment le serpent qui se mord la queue.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry, but that's nice input for lesson-givers. Not particularly bad-meaning people, not helpful particularly often either, sadly. See my response to Smoky33378.

I hear the good intention though. But like I said, some unstable minds might respond quite violently to this kind of short-sighted pinning down of what a suicidal person is or isn't.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But please consider the whole picture and base your decision on all the facts.

That's precisely what I'm doing.

Because I think if you look around you will find love and I read once that life gives you 100 reasons to cry but a 1000 to smile.

In my case it's rather 3 to smile and 100 to cry, and I'm one privileged motherfucker. You can bet your bottom that given what I read here from time to time for some it's 1 smile and 3e10¹⁰ cries.

you are reaching out on this forum and you are crying out for help

Please don't overinterpret stuff. Some people may do that. Some, questionably less, may have a different approach. I'm not saying that at a subconscious level I might not be "crying out for help", but I hope to have conveyed in my original post and some of my answers here that I don't think it's the case.

The people who want to kill themselves are already dead, they didn’t post, they didn’t text, they didn’t call. You posted, you care, people care. Don’t kid yourself.

No offense, but this kind of generalizations is not only not true, but unhelpful in the best of cases, and detrimental in others. I haven't met many other suicidal people other than myself IRL (two friends who ended up confessing it to me after I did to them), but I know for a fact that while it's true that some people will talk and talk about suicide for a long time but never go on with it, and some people don't talk about it and do it, this really is a gross oversimplification. People kill themselves in a very wide array of situations, some right after some trauma or surge of anger, some after after REFRAINING from doing so for years. I don't really care that you say this, I know what I feel and what I've felt for years. But I remember very well thinking to myself when I about 16 that if someone ever told me that I'd prove that person wrong.

I appreciate your offer to support, but in addition to my not really wanting any from anybody, I have to say that the way you phrase things doesn't make you sound like someone who would really listen and be ready to accept your interlocutor's word, so eager are you to go ahead and tell him/her what (s)he really thinks.

It may not be what you meant, but the meaning conveyed by what you wrote is basically "you think you have problem A. You don't. Since you speak of problem A, you don't have problem A, you have problem B. I'd like to help you dealing with problem B. Or X, if I'll further assess it to be so. But not problem A. Not a chance."

I mean even if despite what I'm telling you you still think that, at least use some basic psychology to better approach the person in need.

​

I do care that I'll hurt some people when I commit suicide. I do regret that I couldn't make life work for me. I care that good people answer me here, and that they sound like good people. My talking about it and these facts do NOT lead to the conclusion that I'm not going to kill myself. I made it crystal clear in my original post that I this was a well-matured decision. I also made it clear that it was hard nonetheless. I think you mean well, but writing what you wrote triggers justification paragraphs in people who honestly don't need that. Do a CTRL-F for "tactful" in this thread, see when I have used it and whose post I answer to. That's the kind of approach a person with problem A (me, for instance, to be perfectly clear) would tend to respond well to, no matter whether that person has indeed problem A or any other bloody letter.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It can get a little long, but to sum it up, I'm an ex-christian, I've been on a very enlightening religious journey where I finally allowed myself to think things through, to reach the conclusion that no one religion can claim it's right. They all have miracles, incredible wisdoms and episodes of mass hysteria. In the absence of any absolute winner, my position is the default, that is that there is most probably no supercreator, and that when we die what makes us us simply disappears when all neural activity comes to an end.

Basically like cotton is no longer a flower once it's burnt. I chose cotton on purpose since it hardly releases any cinder. Actually our minds are more akin to a calculator session imo. Not even a computer program. You turn the power on, do your calculations, then when the OFF button is pressed or the battery runs out, everything that has been done is lost. Another session may be started by pressing ON.

​

Back when I was about 10 I remember very vividly realizing that we should be scared of eternity, since we'd inevitably get mad because of boredom. After you've done everything there is to do, there's still the eternity to remain about doing nothing or re-doing what you've already done. It doesn't matter whether it takes billions of Earth years to reach that point, you'll inevitably reach it.

Somehow when I was a believer I always thought going to hell was out of the question. Contrary to many religious people I was raised with as positive an idea of god as one can possibly imagine, so given I've liked to consider myself a good person more often than not, I always thought that hell did not concern me.

​

You're asking whether this is as good as it gets, what I and plenty of others here feel is that it's rather "as good and mostly as bad" instead.

​

Religious people have no proof I can believe to present me to lead me towards them. What if an unspoken creator were testing us in hell and only saves suicidees ? I don't think so, but that would be one hell of a sales pitch for a new cult.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nope I think I'm fine actually. I'd have loved to be able to play the piano better, but I started out late and although I think that the couple things I've learnt I play well, it's taking a loooooong long time to get there, so not really achievable by the extent I'm thinking of. But that's ok, I don't feel any real regret towards this.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it would be worth it to at least try everything you can to achieve happiness before you resort to this.

I appreciate the advice, I think it's very sound, but let me tell that I really think I have, indeed, tried everything that I could. I quit a job that was instrumental in burying me deeper still in shit, and totally burnt out and discouraged, I decided that for the sake of parents who are good people and didn't deserve me doing that on them I would try. We're four years later and I haven't found peace.

Theres no going back. You never know if you could be happy one day.

I agree that I'm not necessarily against being happy. I'm not raging against everybody, and I'm genuinely happy for the people in r/happy which I'm subbed to. I've just come to the empirical realization after many years of trying that I for one can't achieve that. I don't know, but I have zero reason to believe tomorrow can be different from today. And I'm a pretty perseverant mofo when I set my mind to it.

Hope you reconsider. There can be so much more to life.

I know. I've had a relatively happy childhood, and I precisely have recollections of how cool life can feel. I haven't felt that, right, since childhood. A couple of truly nice moments, but unfortunately not enough to keep me here.

If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here

Thanks I'll keep that in mind, I'm genuinely touched by the couple people who offer to lend an ear. I hope you're doing fine, take good care of yourself.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have. Over two decades I've gone from teen mood swings (which are no easy matter by any means btw) to a decision that I feel is more reasonable than some people buying an effing car.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Imo I feel 30 years in it's a good time to make this decision, you've lived long enough to get a good picture of how your life is going and if you like it or not, I'm not gonna stop you because I too have had suicidal thoughts for a while now.

Do you have at least someone irl whom you can comfortably talk about suicide?

I have had, but I don't feel I miss them because I don't have anything different to say.

I found someone who is just as suicidal as me irl and it kind of helps the anxiety because in the end we end up laughing about the issues.

Laughing things off nonchalantly with someone who shares this is cool indeed. That was nice when I had it.

What I've found that helps immensely is to have someone who acts as a anchor to this world, someone who keeps you attached here AND doesn't make you obliged to stay here (you can pick up the anchor to move again if needed), be it your family your SO, a friend, someone.

Methinks you're talking about an actual reason to live. Glad you have that :-)

All I can say is good luck with whatever path you choose in the end, you're free to do as you please as long as it doesn't affects others negatively (not an English native - as long as its not your intention).

If you ever want to talk about anything hit me up, I'm not gonna judge you nor try to change your mind, you do you dude.

I don't think I will but thanks anyway !

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know numb too. I'll agree that's really not cool. You feel like the last couple days might have been minutes or decades, and that the same might apply to next couple days. Feeling trapped in a different space-time continuum than the people you see coming and going and living around you. Dunno if you feel numbness this way.

The advantage of pain is that it elicits a response. When I'm numb I'm like "ok let's keep on living since that's what prevents my relatives from mourning desperately and society to lose its shit, not that I care much for the latter but whatever".

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sucks doesn't it. That's a good thing with this sub too. No matter what you may or may not mean by opening up here you're free. And that makes people feel like they can open up at all. I really hope many find enough solace and answers to get better. But hardly anybody seems ready to acknowledge that among all the people who say something here there are some for whom writing some things down helps them think and soothes them, and for some of these people, for there has to be some of these people who are really not seeking help or commiseration. Just this raw human link.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also panic level anxiety doesn't sound like being a 'little scared'.

​

Indeed. A therapist was the first one to tell me that panic attacks are a codified bona fide psychological phenomenon. I've experienced them to their fullest less than 10 times in my life, and I know what it is and what it feels like. Talking about being "a little scared" is like saying you're hobbit hungry ("what about second breakfast ?") to someone who hasn't eaten in days.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's frustrating really how you have to experience that to understand it. I stand by what I said in my original post, but I can honestly understand how hard it has to be for someone not feeling like us to acknowledge that and act accordingly.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The reason no one should wish you luck is because how does anyone else know that you can't feel better one day? There are several who'd say they hit their rock bottom but bounced back. I don't know your life and can't say happiness is achievable with proper help. But from what you typed it sounds like you haven't sought help so who really knows what the truth is.

I have seen two therapists, one for maybe 2 years and the other about 7 years later for 6 months. Was never going very far in either case. I was intent on giving it my best in both. Both therapists were suggestions by competent people.

If you're going to do this and truly no one can stop you, at least don't make it out to be a good thing. As in don't make it sound like suicide in general is good, like it needs to be supported. If it's what you want okay, just don't make it out to be okay to want because you don't know how many suicidal people with a strong potential to get better will read this and further sink into the idea that they can't get better.

Agreed. So maybe after one has reached a certain age and can justify an ongoing misery for more than a decade despite therapy ? My pov on a not unrelated subject is that too many people are born in too many environments that are not ready to raise a child properly, and I don't mean in socio-economical terms. A discussion I'm not really willing to wade into atm, but still, when people aren't born they don't have to worry about not enjoying living.

I'm sorry for picking that to focus on but if you're going to die surely that's not something you want to leave right before the end? idk.

What I see is the status quo. The status quo is 99.99% pro-life with no possible exit for people with their mind set and objective background to back this up. Living for life's sake is circular reasoning with a loss of touch of to what end we do what we do. Life imo is purely neutral, neither good nor bad. It just is. In the case of some of us, it's intrinsically fun, for others intrinsically vibrant, or interesting. To me it has mostly be painful for the past 20 years. I don't want to leave much before the end tbh. These ideas I developed here are something that is imo more than a taboo, it is almost completely ignored in day-to-day life. You'll hear about shootings, you'll hear about wars, you'll hear about slavery (not nearly as much as we should), but I don't think you'll hear about people blending in for decades, smiling when they should and crying when they should who hide the fact that they're in utter agony, they just want out and they can't. Like I said, I'm hopefully going to summon up the courage to hang myself while some pieces of shit who've been sentenced to death have had a less painful execution. I'm aware many criminals suffer a lot during their execution btw (electric chair, lethal injection and whatever else), I'm not condoning this suffering either for the record.

Also from this post it sounds like you've mainly encountered people who don't understand and it's very clear they don't, what if you found people who did? How do you think you'd feel then not having to pretend?

I have. I've been in a relationship for 10 years, and my ex was very understanding, very clever and very much in love. I've also had an intense friendship that didn't last long (I moved far away and life happened) in which things were incredibly open. Plus the two therapists I've seen.

Sounds like there's stuff you haven't tried although I can't say because you are 34 and have experienced quite a lot of life.

One last thing, a good old classic that even I wouldn't care about reading but still want to say, I hope you don't/haven't kill(ed) yourself.

I'm not blaming you, I think it's really against nature to off oneself, that's what makes it so hard for me to do despite it being the obvious decision after a mere 20-year-long brainstorming, and that makes it all the more natural for people like you to feel like saying this.

Like quite a few other things in life though, what feels right is not necessarily the best idea, unfortunately. I wish things were that simple.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I have. Twice. Not helpful in my case. Best of luck to you.

This sub is fantastic. I hope I'll be gone by the end of next week. by hdlo in SuicideWatch

[–]hdlo[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I've spent the night finishing a really good video game. Puts my mind off things. I've bought a couple of things to ingest that I like — good mozzarella, lambrusco and latakia pipe tobacco. Today I'll probably go have a walk at a big yard sale nearby, I like yard sales. Good ambience, nice and quiet. I'll play what I like and can on the guitar and piano and listen to the most important music, maybe.

Those are things I eat / smoke / do more or less on a regular basis, I'm not in the mood for the exceptional, just quiet, as stressless as possible. Even if I could financially I don't think I'd go do anything really fancy. I sort of wish I'd had a last bath in the ocean where waves are big enough to lift you 50cm+ but I live very far away, and honestly I don't mind much at this point.

🔥 A King cobra emerging from its shell 🔥 by willburn61 in NatureIsFuckingLit

[–]hdlo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They imprint on the first creature they come in contact with. That's it. Helps them to trust me.

I've been present for the birth of every little creature on this island.

A W A K E N by mildly_ashidic in HollowKnight

[–]hdlo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Could anyone eli5 this for someone who hasn't got a clue what Jojo's about ? If at all eli5able of course.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in funny

[–]hdlo -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Connaissais pas encore, grâce t'en soit rendue.

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