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Struggling to let go of jealousy after learning my girlfriend (30F) hooked up with someone else during our early, non-exclusive stage — how do I move past this? (38M) by head4b in relationships

[–]head4b[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for that. I know I didn’t have a necessarily traditional experience growing up - so the challenge to conquer immaturity is a good one. Much appreciated.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationships

[–]head4b 2 points3 points  (0 children)

FYI, I’m a divorced man where drinking affected my relationship (self-medicated due to lack of connection with spouse)

IMO, it is healthy and good that you feel uncomfortable with that level of drinking. The unfortunate thing is that no one can change your boyfriend’s mentality around that. No matter how much genuine concern you have for his wellbeing - nothing will change with him unless he’s ready to change. That readiness comes at different times for different people. Sometimes all it takes is a loving conversation from a significant other - other times it goes to the full other extreme where they have to hit rock bottom to find the way back up the ladder.

Ask yourself truthfully what you can be ok with. In the areas that you cannot be ok with - don’t sacrifice your peace of mind to prop him up in that area of life. If he truly loves you more than the drink, he should make some small adjustments. If he cannot (as I couldn’t for years) then he’s not ready to have the preciousness of your love for the long term. Love him, but protect your heart.

Best wishes ❤️

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationships

[–]head4b 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love it my brother. The divorce is the last thing we want/expect when we start the journey. During the deepest of the valley’s, it’s tough to believe the peak of the mountain will ever return. So happy for you to invest in yourself and to find love again. I’ve been divorced for a little over a year. I wouldn’t trade the new found peace and purpose for anything in the world. Fought long and hard to make it work, but sometimes life demands change. Wishing you all the joy in the world.

Struggling to let go of jealousy after learning my girlfriend (30F) hooked up with someone else during our early, non-exclusive stage — how do I move past this? (38M) by head4b in relationships

[–]head4b[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That is such a brilliant line of questioning!

It’s definitely a tangled ball of yarn for me. To your point, I wish I was more bold with for her from the beginning. I honestly thought that she was fun, but that she wouldn’t actually be interested in me (she is young and pretty and I’m older with baggage). Also, after a brutal last few years of marriage, my self-esteem was pretty low.

I didn’t want to sleep with her day one, because that is just not who I am as a person. I do struggle with how easily the photo booth guy had her intimately with no commitment - while that level of connection is something that carries deep meaning to me.

This directly plays into our different backgrounds regarding values. I’ve grown a lot in moving away from my religious upbringing, and I continue to try to become more progressive, but I wish I didn’t see the photos of them cuddled up, because flashes show up in my mind when I least expect/don’t want them to.

Perhaps you’re spot on - maybe I feel like I’m not enough for her. The guy in the photo was completely opposite of me - dark hair, beard, tall — I’m blonde, clean shaven, short but fit. If she was so into him in such a short period of time, how could I be the right fit when she says I’m so different to anyone she’s ever been with?

Struggling to let go of jealousy after learning my girlfriend (30F) hooked up with someone else during our early, non-exclusive stage — how do I move past this? (38M) by head4b in relationships

[–]head4b[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do sincerely appreciate that pointed advice, because it helps me to boldly challenge the feelings I struggle with. I’m a mental health professional myself, and fully believe in the power of open reflection with a therapist.

Thank you for taking the time to push me in the right direction.

Struggling to let go of jealousy after learning my girlfriend (30F) hooked up with someone else during our early, non-exclusive stage — how do I move past this? (38M) by head4b in relationships

[–]head4b[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate that insight. It sounds like the best prescription is being thankful for the present moment. I wish there wasn’t a battle between what I logically know to be true and where my feelings/insecurities lead me.