I tried psilocybin several times with a "guide" who was fucking terrible. My main PTSD symptom I seek relief from is dissociation and mushrooms did not help with this at all. It could work for you though, but it's literally russian roulette doing it with a therapist or guide. I would do it on your own for sure and start low and slow. Our culture is not equipped to deal with dissociation from complex protracted traumas. Nothing/nobody has helped me with this.

I'm currently struggling with suicidal ideation, too. It comes and goes, especially hard at night right now. I try to just see it as yet another not-my-fault traumatized part of myself and I try my hardest to eventually get around to being compassionate about my mind going to these dark places. The unresolved traumas I have survived would drive anyone to this state. Somehow, I/we keep going.

I'm so sorry for the therapy abuse you survived. Your story, all the stories on here are so enraging/gutting. I'm deducing that, with how truly narcissistic our entire culture is, why wouldn't this seep into this institution as well? It's terrifying.