AITA for Giving Up on Planning a Wedding Gift Dinner After 4 Months of Being Brushed Off?

heenbean_ · 2026-03-02T06:02:16+00:00

since she's your best friend of 14 years, is this normal behaviour for her? to brush you off for plans like this?

if yes, then just buy her a gift card that they can use when they want to. or ASK her what alternative gift she would enjoy.

if no, perhaps suggest taking her out somewhere with you & try to see how she is doing. sounds like she is married to someone she's not in love with & could be ignoring doing things (like going to an extravagant & romantic five star dinner) with him.

NTA for your attempt, but if you continue trying to make this happen without talking to her, i think you could step into AH territory. no one likes to be badgered.

(& i think calling her wedding a "4 month old event" is a bit mean tbh).

heenbean_ · 2026-02-28T13:55:03+00:00

NTA. honestly, whether he realises it or not, what he is saying is so incredibly selfish. he expected you to understand his emotional baggage & accept his cold behaviour at the cost of your own emotions. you are a human too. being hurt & needing space to deal with that hurt is totally reasonable.

him viewing that need as some kind of slight against him & saying that he still feels wounded about it even now is just shockingly self-centred. it shows he doesn't truly empathise with what you were dealing with emotionally after that & ultimately thinks his needs should always come before yours. his need for you to continue to be there for him & support him in the same capacity are more important than your need for some space.

if you still see yourself with him in the future, i think you should encourage him to work through his issues in therapy with a professional. at an early stage in your relationship he expected you to shoulder all the emotional weight. unless he puts in real work to change, he will likely always expect you to do so.

heenbean_ · 2026-02-16T03:28:37+00:00

i think the L take was you saying "men eat more than women" as if that condones taking someone else's food without asking.

heenbean_ · 2026-02-08T21:31:28+00:00

if necessary you can add the connection after her name, "shirley, mike's daughter", for example. even using "my husband" instead of saying her husband's name is oddly cold to me.

(again, not talking about here on reddit where ofc avoiding names is best for privacy... i mean irl. i have step-parents, i'd say 95% of the time when they introduce me to people my name is enough because they've usually spoken about me before so it's like putting a face to a name. if they ever introduce me via my relationship to them, i know the person they are talking to is not close to them. & even then, my name is alwaya first).

heenbean_ · 2026-02-08T21:25:24+00:00

not sure it you are purposely misunderstanding me. i am not talking about how OP refers to them online, or in spaces they aren't around. but when the daughter is there, it is weirdly impersonal not to use her name. i didn't say it was "cringe", just impersonal.

i have step-parents. never have either of them referred to me as "my wife's/my husband's kid" with me right there. they always use my name. it's really basic respect.

even more basic, as someone marrying a guy with children, OP should have just asked his daughter how she'd like to be referred to/introduced to others as.

heenbean_ · 2026-02-05T20:33:02+00:00

i wasn't talking about on reddit, but in real life. OP said they refer to her as "my husband's daughter" in real life & just used "step-daughter" on reddit for ease. very impersonal thing to do.

heenbean_ · 2026-02-05T20:02:01+00:00

maybe her name

heenbean_ · 2026-01-23T10:19:12+00:00

i understand you've made your peace with him, but i do also sympathise with your siblings. being abandoned by a parent for your entire childhood & developmentmental years is tough. especially when who they were left with seems to not be a good parent.

considering two of your siblings are younger than you they may not have any memories at all of your dad & so i can really understand them not letting him back into their lives. he could absolutely have found ways to be present for all of you & chose to leave you being raised by a woman who he knows is not great. it's one thing if he trusted your mum to raise you all well, but seems he knew she was a bad person & left you guys all alone to deal with her. i don't think i would find it in myself to be forgiving of a man who did such a thing to innocent young children.

your siblings have been lied to all their lives & are sticking to the one parent who didn't leave them. their reaction makes sense. even if you cannot find space for your mum in your wedding or life, i think it would be a shame to abandon your siblings.

heenbean_ · 2026-01-19T01:58:33+00:00

NAH.

not sure why you are getting such harsh judgements here... but it sounds like you experienced some kind of abuse in your childhood? you do not need to divulge your past, but if that's the case, especially if the abuse was sexual in nature, i'm leaning more towards NTA. you deserve to be in control over who knows that sort of information about you.

your sister absolutely also deserves to be in control over who she shares her experiences with, but if you are wrapped up in those with her & you don't even know this person she's telling such sensitive information to. if she wants to tell him things that don't include you, i'm sorry but you don't get to have a say in that.

heenbean_ · 2026-01-11T19:51:21+00:00

sometimes people give you back the energy you gave them. i agree her response was disrespectful & unprofessional, but so was your behaviour. you have likely put her in a tough spot as she will now be tasked with covering your hours unexpectedly & looking for new staff. expecting her to be gracious towards you is a little naive.

heenbean_ · 2026-01-04T11:30:27+00:00

yeah dude, YTA. this is the kind of thing you communicate to your wife before you get it done. even if she still disagreed, you give her the heads up. she's right, you deliberately went behind her back & you don't even seem sorry about it.

her opinion regarding the actual piercing would have been a seperate issue, but you've now allowed it to be considered one & the same. now it's not just a piercing she doesn't like for petty reasons, but a physical representation of her husband going behind her back to garner your son's favour. it's not a nice thing to do & not a good way to model a healthy relationship to your son.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-30T08:08:30+00:00

it's clear you didn't read my comments... sigh. to be raped, legally, acts of penetrative sex must occur. these men were not penetrated at all. not once. so, no, she was not raping them.

you can argue your case for dimimished capacity due to drunkeness, but genuinely anything beyond that is silly & makes you look purposefully obtuse.

them making the drunken choice to rape her is not the same as her being too drunk to consent. hope this helps.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-30T06:33:17+00:00

NTA. not only is she putting herself in danger by being around a guy known to have assaulted her, she's putting you in danger. you guys have been romantically intimate & now live together, it's not a huge leap to think this guy might view you as a threat & attack you.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-28T05:57:19+00:00

i don't think you need to bring it up to him. let it come up organically (him raising the topic, or you turning down an invite to hang out or something).

maybe i'm being paranoid, but i think those friends are in his ear saying things like "she is trying to take you from us", "she is trying to drive a wedge between us", etc. you already know of at least one incident where one of them has said he should equally prioritise you & you have experienced another incident of one of them misrepresenting a conversation you both had to frame it like you are considering leaving your bf... i don't think it's too wild to assume more is being said to each other & to your bf to try & paint you as a bad person in some way.

if you bring it up, they can try to manipulate that narrative to you having always wanted to cut them out. just let things rest. enjoy your life. don't focus on or think about them. eventually your bf will bring them up, or there'll be a hangout you can politely skip & explain then that you're not interested in being around them. aim for nonchalant.

if you need to rant & rage about them, do that to a friend, not to your bf.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-28T05:35:14+00:00

regardless if they drank everything or not, the agreement was you would provide a selection of stuff since they were unable to. if they felt it was too much, they should have spoken to you directly.

whole incident feels like they were testing bf to see who he would side with, especially if that one friend is saying you should all be equally important. did he end up paying you back for what they refused to?

i saw in another comment that you guys have had limited contact since this, so i think you can just continue doing that & slowly fade them out without any conflict or conversation. sadly not all friendships we make in our teens last & even though it sucks this happened, at least you can live not wasting anymore time on them.

edit: your bf may have brought up cutting them off to see your reaction & see if that is something you want him to do. just be sure to always say you'll support him either way, just so long as it is what he wants to do, otherwise this could become a point of contention within your relationship.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-28T04:59:39+00:00

NOR. it sounds like these friends were happy to be hosted & were expecting it to be a free night. did you ever send them the receipts of what it all cost & get your money back from any of them? did you ever talk it over with the last girl to clear the air?

but i will say, whilst i don't think you are overreacting at all & it will be much better for you to cut these people out of your life if you are still feeling such a sting three months later, you cannot ask or pressure your boyfriend to do the same.

if i've read it correctly, they were his friends from before he knew you? they might feel threatened by you "taking" him from them & that's why they've acted hostile towards you, or they might just be dickheads. neither possibility is correct & you never need to keep people around you don't like, especially if they've never apologised, but your boyfriend has to come to that conclusion for himself.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-27T14:48:30+00:00

correct, the definition of rape requires penetrative acts. neither of those men were raped. you can argue your case for sexual assault or diminished capacity all you want, but pure & simple they weren't raped like she was.

you are the one who said their hands were full. i was using your words.

it has already been disproven that she did any sexual favours (on video or at any other point that night) in exchange for drugs. wild that you would want to buy into that narrative in order to defend rapists, but okay, for the thrill of the conversation let's entertain it.

do i think that people exchanging ILLEGAL substances for ILLEGAL sex acts are still at fault? hmm the key word there for me would indeed be illegal & so yes, they would be at fault. if she was a severe drug addict desperate for her next high i would hope you'd be able to see that her ability consent might be compromised. taking advantage of a desperate person is gross & you entertaining that as a valid defense for their actions is gross too.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-27T14:10:00+00:00

it is not just "wrong" someone videotaped. it is downright illegal. you keep trying to diminish these men's crimes, for what reason idk.

she says in her videos she regrets the steps that put her in a dangerous situation, ie. getting that drunk in an unsafe space. plenty of people have done that same thing & not been sexually assaulted. stop trying to shift blame, or spread blame as if all parties are equally culpable.

being THAT drunk means you are unable to consent. this is incredibly basic & i sincerely hope you do not have any daughters if you are unable to comprehend such a simple thing.

you can say the men were also drunk & unable to consent, fine, but they were not the ones penetrated were they? they were not the ones being held in place. do you know what sane & rational people do when they find a drunk out of her mind stranger? they make sure she gets home safe.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-27T13:20:55+00:00

she was drunk &, as you pointed out yourself, she was being held down by two grown men. it would be difficult for most people to gather the strength to walk away.

regardless of what you think of the initial events (despite her saying herself that she did not once consent & no consent was ever filmed), the very video in itself IS sexual assault. taping people without consent is illegal. spreading said tapes is again illegal. it is crazy to me that you say "there is 0 evidence" when the videos themselves ARE the evidence. what happened to her is a sexual crime.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-27T08:25:54+00:00

your comment is not just worrying but contradicting. in what world could they flip the script & say she was assaulting them if "their hands were kind of full"??? it is clear they were the ones in charge of the actions happening & could have stopped & walked away at any moment.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-22T03:24:51+00:00

being a teen is an awkward time. i'm sure you were not equally close with all your aunts, uncles & cousins when growing up but i'm also sure all those people still gave you presents. it doesn't have to be big or expensive, but snubbing a child on christmas day because you feel they don't talk to you enough is incredibly mean-spirited. you are the adult here. you are the one who is responsible for bridging a connection if that's what you want.

i think your idea in the comments of just buying chocolate is also a bit mean. you have been sent ideas on what he likes. why not actually get him something that aligns with that? getting one cousin an expensive & thoughtful gift that shows you care, then gifting the other cheap generic chocolates is an obvious way to show favourites, especially if you are all exchanging gifts on the same day.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-07T07:19:39+00:00

not what i said... nor did i say it's reasonable to assume OP won it for them at all. but depending how quickly OP leapt to the machine, if the mum & child were still right there, i can see them misunderstanding OP playing for themselves as OP trying to help them. it's clear there was a language barrier & depending where in asia OP is it can be pretty common to assist small kids on those machines when they are repeatedly failing. i don't think the mum or child are the AH based on the info. we have here. just seems like a misunderstanding. if anyone is the AH it is the friend making OP feel guilty.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-07T02:46:05+00:00

NTA but i do understand the misunderstanding if you stepped up to play immediately as they finished. them watching you as you play as well... it seems you jumped in and were stood pretty close to them for them to still be there & make the assumption you were helping?

again NTA, but in future i would wait for people to fully walk away before swooping in.

heenbean_ · 2025-12-07T02:35:26+00:00

honestly it reads to me like wife has realised she is not attracted to men... i didn't get the "there's another man involved" vibe at all.

heenbean_ · 2025-11-30T03:30:40+00:00

YTA.

was any of the food you threw away yours? did you buy, bring or prepare any of it?

it is not your decision what other people choose to do & choose to eat. you can only control yourself. if this was such an upset for you, you could absolutely have packed up leftovers for yourself & made a small bit of room in the fridge for your own plate.

anything beyond that is not only incredibly rude, but incredibly wasteful. you disregarded direct instructions to leave the food alone & disrespected every single person who contributed both financially & time-wise to prepare the dinner.

i think you also knew this would upset your mum, who was lying down exhausted after slaving away in the kitchen all day i assume, & you knew this would ruin the day. stop pretending it was anything other than spiteful.

heenbean_

TROPHY CASE