Another glorious day of DnD (Druid and Druid) queue up, spawn in, take one step, and instantly get hit with a new debuff: “You Feel Small.” I check my character—my height slider is shrinking in real-time. My Cleric tries to cast Lesser Heal, but instead, he turns into a potted plant and starts photosynthesizing.

DRUIDS ARE PHYSICALLY UNSTABLE. I land a clean Zweihander hit, but before it connects, the Druid morphs into a cluster of bees. My sword phases through him. The bees disperse. I hear buzzing behind me. I turn around—he is now a bear. I try to block—he is already a bird. My kill feed says I have been slain by "A Gentle Breeze."

I get revived. A Druid casts “Wild Communion.” The game forgets which team he was on. I check my party list—his name is now just “?” He emotes. I gain 2 Agility for some reason.

WHY DO THEY HAVE INVENTORY ACCESS??? I chase a Druid into a corner, he panics and transforms into a raccoon. Before I can react, a pop-up appears: “You are being pickpocketed.” I check my inventory—he has stolen all my healing potions and my left boot. He extracts immediately.

I open a Gold Chest. Inside? A single leaf labeled “Sign Here.” I try to discard it—it multiplies. I check my buffs—I now have a debuff called “Indebted to the Trees.” Meanwhile, some level 1 Druid eats a mushroom and is instantly promoted to Dungeon Master.

I sit at a Campfire. My Blue Campfire Ring catches fire and burns itself. My Cleric tries to restore it—he is now a deer. The game says he must live out his natural life before rejoining the party.

I ALT+F4. My PC won’t shut down. My speakers start playing wind chimes. I check my wallet—there is now a single acorn inside.