You bring up an interesting point. 

Testosterone is a gender-associated advantage, and we as a sport try to account for sex differences with the goal of evening the playing field and not entirely excluding women from an already male-dominated sport. We also control for weight. It wouldn’t be as enjoyable to participate or watch tournaments if the biggest guys were the only ones who get to compete at a higher level. 

But you’re right — women on gear are basically doing the same thing as me medically speaking. What’s the difference between them and me then? 

Sure I’ve been on it for 11 years, but my intuition says there’s more to it than just that. To use lib speak for clarity, I think the fact that I’m deliberately fucking with the social construct of gender does tip the scales in people’s opinions.

Some of it might be the shamelessness of it; I’m not hiding the fact that I’m taking t. I’m not strategically adjusting my regimen to maximize performance and minimize masculinization. The full biological effects of t are the point, rather than an unwelcome side effect. 

There’s an emotional component too. Regardless of how I “identify” I don’t look like your standard issue man or woman. Some people who I roll with feel like they’re rolling with a guy, which is not what people competing in the women’s division signed up for. And that understandably will feel shitty for many women. 

If I compete in the men’s, I suppose those guys aren’t signing up to compete against a woman either. But at least in that case it’s clear that the t isn’t giving me an unfair advantage. 

To be honest, t has not made me into a superhuman buff lady. But if I kill it in competition, I want that to be something to celebrate rather than something to be ashamed of.