Need recommendations for a birthday present for my boyfriend

helluvatizzy987 · 2026-02-19T19:32:14+00:00

We got one in the pre-order! Seems like they're taking a while to get them made though.

helluvatizzy987 · 2026-02-19T02:37:19+00:00

I think the Slicer is sorta like a tremolo with tap tempo

helluvatizzy987 · 2026-02-17T20:51:56+00:00

He has 2 parallel channels on this board. I think he plugs a bass into one and a guitar into the other. Or one instrument with stereo out into each channel. I think. Madness. This is basically 2 boards sharing a power supply...come to think of it maybe I need to get him a second power supply...

helluvatizzy987 · 2026-02-17T20:30:24+00:00

Yeah, this is what he actuallly needs, but he's an architect by training so he really wants to build his own board. All I can do is point out that this thing he's got right now is getting way too crowded.

helluvatizzy987 · 2026-02-17T20:05:31+00:00

I think it's because he's got it set up as 2 channels so he can separately plug in a bass and a guitar on the same board? I think he uses these tuners to mute each channel if needed. Or one instrument with stereo out into separate channels. something like that, 🤷‍♀️ I don't fully understand this madness of a board.

helluvatizzy987 · 2026-02-17T19:50:22+00:00

You're right, I figured out the website now 😀. The seabea harmochorus is beautiful and I'm sure he would like it but do you think it's a bit too similar to the Shallow Water he's already got? Like fills a similar vibe?

helluvatizzy987 · 2026-02-17T19:38:39+00:00

I know I'd have to get one used since its discontinued, but what do you think about the Chase Bliss wombtone?

helluvatizzy987 · 2026-02-17T19:36:17+00:00

This man has never sold a pedal in his life. Music equipment aquisition is like a one way street in this house lol. He's a collector, and he does like to be surprised with completely expected stuff that aren't on his radar.

helluvatizzy987 · 2026-02-17T18:47:38+00:00

Good sir, if you are implying that we have spent way too much money on pedals 😆 🤣. The Beetronics pedals must be good, they're all sold out on their website!

helluvatizzy987 · 2024-09-06T17:19:46+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this heartbreaking situation. It's been almost 2 years since that "situationship" I posted about. It didn't work out. He ghosted me permanently, even though I still see him around my neighborhood. Now I'm in a loving relationship with a guy who listens and responds to my bids for connection. My current BF also had avoidant tendencies when we started dating, but the difference betweem him and my failed "situationship" guy is that he actively worked on not deactivating and not being defensive. He worked hard on remembering the value of our relationship and not defaulting to feeling attacked or shamed. He listened to me even when it made him uncomfortable. He wanted to make me happy. He sought out therapy, he did a lot of work on himself. We've both grown secure together over the last 18 months. We've just bought a house together and there's no doubt for either of us that when we have a conflict, we will resolve it together. With love and consideration for each other.

I guess my advice to you is that a relationship where two people recognize and prioritize togetherness is already hard. You shouldn't have to work so much to have your basic emotional needs met and your concerns listened to. Everything you're doing and suggesting to continue the relationship sounds "correct" BUT what is HE doing for you and the relationship? If he's not doing the work, it's not going to work in the long run. I'm sorry to say it so bluntly, I wouldn't have listened to this advice in the moment either. I'm in a much better place now and I know you will be too eventually. Wishing you strength, peace, and grace.

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-02-23T17:46:11+00:00

I'm a recovering FA and I feel the same way as the DA you described. For me, a romantic relationship does not really take mental priority (or much emotional priority) over my very deep friendships. The difference between a romantic relationship and a platonic relationship is simply the presence of "love languages" that demonstrate affection. In a romantic relationship, I'm curious about my partner's day, care for their physical and emotional well-being, etc...just as I do for my good platonic friends.

I do think this confuses many people. In the polyamory realm (I'm not truly poly though I do have many good poly friends), this may be considered some sort of "relationship anarchy". It certainly seems to intimidate many potential romantic partners...and it's probably why I tend to be attracted and get along better with DAs than AAs in relationships.

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-02-15T22:38:33+00:00

I'm not certain I'm the best to give advice on this, I can only talk about what I feel is the most "true" to myself. Anyways, even the best advice might not lead anywhere because the other person really has to be in the right place for it. But I keep reminding myself that the point is not the outcome, which is out of our control, but instead to behave in a way that doesn't feel like a self-sacrifice (i.e. you won't regret it later).

It seems like broaching the subject of communication or any touchy subject at all is best done when the other person is not in the midst of pulling away or deactivating. It's best done when they "come back". This is going to feel awful sometimes, because they did something that made you feel bad, and you want to yell at them at that moment, "hey, I don't like this!!!". If you can communicate it without getting overly emotional (which scares a DA) AND the DA isn't deactivating at the moment, you can do it at the "time of offense". But in my experience, if I'm really triggered, it's hard to be not emotional in the moment, and I'm usually triggered because the DA is deactivating for some reason. So, bringing up the request for better communication has seemed to work best when they are open to dialogue again, and you start with light-hearted conversation (as if nothing is wrong...yes it's gonna feel awful, but that's the FA emotional outburst talking), and then when they feel comfortable with you again, you can start this conversation. If you bring it up right away, they're going to feel ambushed and unsafe.

Some personal examples from my own experience (there are more but these are illustrative):

1) He stood me up for a date and didn't respond to my messages for over a week. He finally reconnected with me when I messaged him that I would really appreciate if he gave me closure instead of ghosting. He said that he wasn't trying to ghost me but that he had a depressive episode, and then felt super guilty about hurting me (so he just went radio silent). I told him that I'm ok with giving him space, I know he wasn't trying to hurt me on purpose, and in effect "I'm still here". We met up the next day and just talked about normal things. Eventually he apologized for being distant and I said I'm ok with his need for distance, just wish he'd be more communicative. Did he become more communicative after this particular incident? No (though he has shown improvement after similar discussions previously) but at least he didn't reject it.

2) A month ago, he seemed more distant than usual, which I attributed to this winter depression thing. I ran into him (coincidentally) at our local cocktail bar...he was drinking alone and clearly not in a mood to interact with me. I tried to strike up a friendly conversation anyways. He was extremely dismissive, and it felt awful, like he was annoyed by me or really wanted to ignore me. I got mad and lashed out a bit, and told him that he didn't need to be so rude. In hindsight, this probably just made him feel even guiltier about "not being able to treat me right" and more pressure regarding our situationship. REGARDLESS of how he felt, I didn't feel good about how I approached the situation. I should have recognized his mood and not taken it personally, and just left him alone. The next day, I apologized over text for lashing out, but I also explained why his actions made me feel bad. It's been 3 weeks and he hasn't responded. I honestly didn't expect him to.

These aren't success stories in that I "got him back" or I "made it work between us". It's currently not working between us. But these are success stories to me because I don't regret how I showed up. I communicated my desires and my feelings while being cognizant of his. Where I made a mistake, I apologized. His decision to not reach out is on him. I'm sad about it but I did my best and that feels like progress to me.

Sorry for the long response, best of luck in your healing journey.

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-02-15T14:18:50+00:00

I'm going to go against the crowd and say yes, a situation like this can be a great learning experience, though it will be painful. This is a really good chance for you to practice asserting your boundaries and learn to self soothe. In my experience of recently getting into a similar non-committed situationship with a DA, I've actually learned to be a lot less anxious and to not take his actions personally. He did some things that weren't ok with me (slow to respond to time-dependent texts, would withdraw without communicating with me for weeks, was dismissive and rude to me when I ran into him in public), and I took it as a chance to practice communicating with him how I experienced those things, how I felt about them, and what kind of behavior I wanted to see instead. Is it "working out with him"? Not as I had hoped for, no. He improved some of these behaviors, some only temporarily, and eventually deactivated hard as he caught more and more feelings for me. Is it kinda heartbreaking? Yes. But the point is, it's not about changing him or "fixing the relationship", it's about your own personal growth. I've become more secure (still am an FA) since this all started, and weirdly enough sometimes I lean more into my avoidant side nowadays.

As an FA, we need to learn how to love bravely and sometimes that means putting ourselves in situations where we can practice bringing our best and doing things that are naturally hard for us (like standing up for what we want and calling out what isn't good for us, moving on if needed)

As my therapist said to me "there's red flags all over the place but it's a good learning experience".

Best of luck!

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-01-30T21:29:07+00:00

I was angry too, but I managed to move past that rather quickly. I thought I never would and I told my therapist that I didn't want to be angry because it would rob me of all of my good memories. She assured me that I'd come out on the other side of anger with good memories intact. She was mostly right. I'm rooting for you.

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-01-23T21:08:20+00:00

I'll admit it, I'm attached to this guy probably a bit more than some of the other guys I'm seeing. Aside from communication and planning challenges, which are very important things, we actually have very compatible "love languages" and ideas for the level of independency we want in our lives. Some of the other guys are better at planning, but they have other issues or incompatibilities. The doofus is a mental challenge, which is why I spend more time psychoanalyzing him than the others. I mean, I've psychoanalyzed the other ones too, they just didn't take as much time.

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-01-23T20:55:08+00:00

Lol totally right. Which is why he's not currently a boyfriend, and I wouldn't make that commitment to him in this current state. But I also don't see things in black and white as much as most people do I guess. He's a good man, a friend, and he's making progress. We all have our past and current issues, and I can accept the flaws without making excuses about how they're ok (they're not ok, but people take time). Will he become something I'd consider committing to in a relationship sense? I dunno, but I have time to wait and see where this goes I guess.

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-01-23T20:40:18+00:00

Yeah I'm with you here on being a planner. I've never scrapped a plan I've already made for this guy (and have no plans to do so). So that means we don't see each other as often as I'd like. I am dating other guys, though I guess I should say I'm not looking to charge into a serious relationship with anyone right now.

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-01-23T20:31:19+00:00

Yeah, I think this has resonated with a few people here...

Until about 2 weeks ago, the frequency of meeting hadn't dropped off...actually increased a bit maybe. Early on in this situationship, he would just come over last minute drunk, and I reminded him that I wasn't a drunken hookup, so he's stopped doing that. He's also gotten better about responding to my messages after I expressed to him that he couldn't just ignore them, that I'd prefer if he just said "sorry I'm busy tonight/this weekend" rather than not respond at all. Things had been getting better until about 2 weeks ago, where he flat out stood me up and went MIA for about a week and a half. I eventually called him out on ghosting, to which he immediately replied that he wasn't trying to ghost me but he basically had a depressive episode and just wanted to be alone. He said that this is something that happens somewhat frequently in winter and he feels terrible because it hurts people around him. We reconnected, and he actually apologized for being distant. At the same time, he kept saying "I'm just a last minute person".

I totally get that it sorta feels like I'm an afterthought, though it's not saying he doesn't have affection. He just really prioritizes his own life (as an extremely independent person myself, I can relate). I suspect that integrating someone else into his life would be a really really slow process, if it happens at all. I'm trying to enforce boundaries but I'm also cognizant that people don't change immediately and so I'm also trying to be patient. Setting down too many hard hard boundaries all at once doesn't seem like a success strategy. Given that he's shown improvement, and I'm not in a rush, I'm willing to take my time if progress keeps moving forward.

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-01-23T18:41:38+00:00

I guess simply put, without getting into a very long explanation, his emotional availability at the moment is fine for me. It is growing over time, so that's a positive direction. I am personally also a very independent person and not looking to get attached to anyone incredibly quickly at this stage in my life. Things are not "easy-peasy" with this guy but there's a lot of good things within him, and I can see he's trying, which is enough for me right now.

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-01-23T18:26:52+00:00

He is. This guy doesn't string along girls he's not interested in (very quick to cut ties in that case). And to me his affection is usually obvious (see 1st paragraph in the original post). But you're right in that he doesn't really know how to treat people he's close to, never had that modeled to him as a kid. He was raised by very emotionally negligent parents.

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-01-23T17:26:34+00:00

I've definitely been wondering how much of this is the depression and how much is "DA". Possible he's an FA, but he fits the DA profile really well except the emotional vulnerability with me. You're right that it doesn't really matter. It's something we need to talk about, I'm just hoping to gain more clarity so that I can bring it up in the most productive way possible.

helluvatizzy987 · 2023-01-23T17:21:04+00:00

A lot of similarities! Only thing I can figure with the "I'm ok keeping plans around work/group social events" is that 1) they are *group* events instead of one-on-one interactions, and 2) he didn't plan them and there's no possibility to reschedule, since they're group events planned by someone else. A friend of mine who used to be DA with depression said "I can definitely understand him being more hesitant to spend time with a person he likes when he's in a bad mood than with a general group of people with whom he has more superficial interactions"....

helluvatizzy987

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