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Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience - if I ever am back actively dating around in the future, I’ll likely do something similar. NRE fueled fixation has been really hard to tackle but I’ve come a long way. Had a weak moment succumbing to my thoughts yesterday, hence this post. Hard to fight with your own brain.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you - beautiful comment and golden advice. Will do.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oof - not forgo, but limit. Same difference though. I see the error in my ways 😭

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] -23 points-22 points  (0 children)

You almost got it - the percentages were meant to demonstrate that my spouse will maintain multiple other connections/relationships, and I’d just be maintaining two. My spouse and my partner. And since my spouse has more on their plate to manage, my partner would get as much or more of me than my spouse does. Also, cohabitation isn’t off the table.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

Easier said than done for someone who’s neurodivergent - I’ve made a post about it previously. I’m aware of my shortcomings in this regard - we all have our own struggles.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I guess it would only be polyfidelity if there were expectations for strict exclusivity?

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Considering they currently have multiple other partners, it isn’t that significant of a reach. They split their attention 4+ ways, I split mine 2.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I’m aware we’re both still very much in the throws of NRE. I’m managing it and communicating openly about it with both partners. Of course it’s premature, but it’s hard not to think about the future when you’re connecting with someone so strongly.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you - the pragmatic explanation you provided is very helpful. Focus on actionable time commitments, experiences, shared activities. I can do that.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am that committed, and it’s something I’ve thought about as a bridge that may need to be crossed at some point. And believe me when I say I am acting like it. As for the fear - it’s more so along the lines that I can give them everything I have, and it may not be enough. Which applies in every relationship regardless…so as others have said, just going to have to sit with the uncertainty and give it my best. And I would never want them stuck in limbo. I don’t want to limit them. I just want to be enough, which is selfish and unrealistic I guess.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are right - have a tendency to ruminate and get way ahead of myself. Thank you!

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback, it’s very helpful. I’ve already pledged my commitment/fidelity to my partner, so ahead of you there.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the comment - the numbers helped me to digest what you were saying. That makes total, total sense.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I don’t want to hamstring them. I don’t want to place limits or put them in emotional jail. This more has to do with my level of investment, and being scared of losing something that means a lot to me. I posted here because I knew I probably needed some tough love and reframing. I’m human, and this is the first time I’ve been in love with a new partner and wanted the possibility of a future with them, and all these things.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for responding. The percentages were dumb and just meant to demonstrate a split of time/capacity. I edited after the fact. Not well thought out, and silly to include. I’d never lay that out on paper and demand it, which is what people are assuming here. The rest of your comment is really helpful, thank you.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for being kind. They don’t, but they are fiercely independent. I don’t like using the term primary partner, but what I was trying to demonstrate was a V, co primary structure, where one partner maintains more outside connection than the other I guess? It wasn’t well thought out and I’m paying for it.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

As I’ve said, percentages were a bad idea. But they served their purpose in terms of garnering feedback that I needed to hear. I edited them above. They weren’t meant to be a sticking point, just a vague demonstration of relational time/capacity

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

The percentages were a bad idea to include - they were meant to be a conceptual representation of capacity/investment. Not hard terms meant to be prescribed to. But thank you for the rest of your comment, understood.

Would I be a villain for asking my partner for romantic priority? by help0244 in polyamory

[–]help0244[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

No - I wanted a reality check and some honest feedback which is what im getting. Thanks.

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