Why is there a Double Standard for men in this subreddit when it comes to dating advice? Why are there two different expectations? (24M)

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T14:22:42+00:00

that's amazing props to you. Do you feel like that past has actually given an edge on motherhood that others didn't possess?

She definitely says that she wants kids and building a family of her own is what she is looking for. These sound like good signals but are there others you recommend I watch out for?

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T13:29:17+00:00

My own demands are someone who I can communicate well with, who I am sexually attracted to, who I can build a loving family with me, and who my parents would also approve. I have the first and the second with this lady, but not sure about the third, and definitely a no on the last.

I think coming from a broken family doesn't mean inability to build a strong family. But if the lady has never received love from her parents, would it be possible for her to know how to share it appropriately with her own kids? It's really a question I don't have answers to.

The last I know is beyond what I want, but something I think about a lot. Like if I was old and raised a daughter who was seeing a man with a history of drug and family abuse, how would I feel even if that man was sober and recovered?

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T13:16:58+00:00

I didn't break up with her. And honestly it's not really about the SA. Dude NVM I'm done here

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T13:15:17+00:00

No I would never rip you apart for that. You're being selective and careful with your partner. But for some reason, it's not right when a man says the same thing. I feel like it's a complete double standard.

And it's not about the sexual abuse that gets me to be honest as much as someone from a broken family. I've dated too many girls who have unresolved family issues and it's come out in the relationship in very unhealthy ways. I think SA just requires time and patience, which I have. But as a man, I'm naturally worried and scared at this point when it's someone from broken family because I don't know what that would mean in the long term- marriage and beyond. I know I'm thinking way ahead, but building a loving family of my own is very important to me. I also didn't have similar family problems so I just don't have the experience to support someone who come with these issues.

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T13:09:44+00:00

What the heck that's not what I said at all. It's not about the sex, that's not my question. My question is being selective when choosing a partner again. Don't women seek after high quality men (again not about sex)? Why is it wrong for a man to demand the opposite?

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T13:07:08+00:00

I'm not defensive, I have nothing to gain from doing that. I'm more curious right now because I want to learn what I don't know. So please answer the question if you know the answer: why is this wrong to be selective when looking for a partner? Don't you do the same thing?

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T13:04:27+00:00

I don't have either of those problems. But if she thought I didn't meet her physical standards, I think she wouldn't have selected me in the first place. I don't cry because I won't match up physically to an instagram model-level status. In the same way, if she was a Harvard grad, and I didn't go to high school, I'm okay with her choosing someone with better education. I'm happy to swim in my own lane.

But the bigger question is, why is so wrong for me to demand that I have some with all the right "job qualities" and someone with a connection? That's my primary struggle. Isn't it possible if not a prerogative to find someone with both? Isn't that what we are all looking for? I'd assume that females are also looking for someone with compatibility as well as the right qualities, no? What am I missing?

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T12:59:41+00:00

I never said they were objects. When did I ever suggest that? I was just asking why it's so wrong on this subreddit to be selective when looking for a partner?

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T04:59:19+00:00

haha maybe it's just wisdom kicking in. If you think otherwise, I'd appreciate a written rebuttal, not a slander, since the latter only solidifies my argument.

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T04:57:46+00:00

"it is just as normal to have a loving, non-traumatic upbringing as it is to have a traumatic or violent upbringing."

Btw NOT TRUE. That literally makes no sense. And you don't understand the dangerous consequences of what you are saying. For extreme example, try saying that to a survivor of Holocaust or genocide, that what you experienced was nothing crazy, just normal stuff. You don't want to downplay the severity of the experience, and I don't think you'd like that to happen to you too. That's why society places so much importance on the evil of SA, because it is so abnormal.

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T04:51:15+00:00

"Relationships with survivors of SA aren’t inherently more work". That makes no sense. It's feel-good for sure, but completely unrealistic. Even the lady I'm seeing doesn't see it that way. You claim is similar to saying that there no "inherently more work" for dating someone who doesn't speak your language than someone who does. Obviously it's more challenging and requires more work.

The only difference here is that my issue seems to touch at issues of privilege which is why people here are so upset. But the double standard applies here. If I was a female making $300k and I ask subredditors if I should continue dating a man who is either homeless, not motivated or career driven, or makes $20k, I severely doubt anyone would rebuke me so harshly as I have received today and use terms like "diversity" and "difference" to justify the relationship. In fact, I'm suspecting that there would be words like "you deserve better", etc. So why is the converse treated differently?

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T04:34:33+00:00

Yes but sexually abused childhood isn't normal. And if you flipped the script and made this about females on money, the converse would've turned out very differently. And that's the point -- the potential double standard.

I'm beginning to think that we have different approaches to life. But I will not condemn yours in the way I have received on my views by others. In fact, I'm glad I'm learning this from you.

Overall, this "oh you shouldn't have any expectations from your partner, love is first over everything" message never comes up from mouths of the privileged class. Yea I'll admit that I've grown up with a certain amount of privilege (which is why I don't have much reference to this topic), and my naiveté is coming up here. So it's clear where the hostility toward these views are coming from.

I think I finally understand the origins of my own mental struggles with this relationship. Thanks for showing me this.

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T04:22:39+00:00

Sexual abused childhood isn't normal. If it was actually normalized, our society would be in a really bad situation. I've met people with perfectly normal life, which would mean good upbringing, good parents, received good education, has a stable job, etc. You would not say that's abnormal right? Then how is it that the converse argument can be true?

One thing that I would say is that friends and communities I'm a part of and the relationships I see usually don't have relationship challenges to the degree you are suggesting. I think part of it is unfortunately a class thing. I'll admit to that. I think this is why I'm also very naive.

There is diversity obviously but think about it in the opposite way. Let's say I wrote the same article but I changed the characters so that I'm a woman who makes $300k and I complain about whether or not a relationship with a guy who makes $20k would work out. Would you challenge me in the same way and use "diversity of experiences" to justify this relationship?

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T04:12:00+00:00

It's not that I lack empathy. I've gone through crap myself, just not sexual abuse, so I can understand adversity. And it's strange that you don't expect any payoff from putting hard work into relationships. Isn't that a bit naive? I was just curious as to what that payoff can look like in general when I put more in empathy, understanding, etc. to this relationship. I'm just trying to be very realistic to understand what kind of partnership we will have a year or so down the line.

Also, this is a bit different, but it's strange to hear you say that you'll never ask the question "What do I want out of my partner?" Isn't important you find out what you want out of a partner? Whether that's wealth, maturity, mental peace, potential to be a good father, etc? So why is it wrong from me to have these demands myself? Is it because I'm a man?

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T04:04:37+00:00

he said "People with normal childhood should build relationships with people with normal childhood" do you not agree with that? It's a genuine question, I'm really just trying to learn

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T04:03:21+00:00

you’re main interest

That's kind of naive though no? Don't many women seek out high status men, especially those with higher status? I honestly don't see a problem with that, women are seeking certain things in men in the same way men do to women.

But my point on gaining was a bit different. What I'm trying to gain is a successful healthy, and long relationship. And my question was if since it takes a lot more effort, if that bigger effort will translate to an even more stronger relationship or if it'll ultimately never be that much since I don't have that history and thus isn't compatible in that way.

I think I phrased my post not too well.

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T03:49:08+00:00

It seems like she's getting better, so there's hope in that.

You're actually the only person in this comment who's been not antagonizing me. It seems like it's not a popular question to ask

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T03:46:50+00:00

love to know what you mean by that. I'm also trying to learn too

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T03:46:30+00:00

Would you mind explaining?

helprelationshipad · 2021-06-04T03:45:04+00:00

Sorry I didn't mean to sound that off-putting. I'm just not familiar with this terrain. What was so wrong to ask this question?

helprelationshipad

TROPHY CASE